Thursday, July 30, 2015


I'm tired.

I'm so tired of fighting, of trying to be better than I am. I'm tired of having so much potential that I can't reach because no matter what I do, my brain tells me I'm a fuck up, especially when things are going well.

I'm tired of hurting all the time, of watching happy people, people who love and are loved.

When do I get to be happy?

She lies and says she's in love with him

It took me a long time to understand that song, especially that line. As someone who cannot say she loves someone unless she believes it, it blew my mind. However, lying to yourself out of fear is not the same thing.

4 years ago today, I was preparing for my wedding. I loved my fiancée, and was very excited to spend the rest of my life with him. I was nervous that it was raining, and hoping it didn't continue into the next day.

7 months later, things were downhill, but I still believed I loved him, and he thought that he had settled in our marriage, though I clearly didn't think that anyone would love me, and clung to his offered love.

4 years ago, I was preparing for the happiest day of my life.

Today, I am hurting so badly I can barely keep from crying, and trying to keep that away from JEGB, as we prepare for her happiest day. Tomorrow will be terrible, and I will have to fight so much harder, as we have the rehearsal dinner at the same time that I got married, and it won't be communication through text, but in person. I am going to have to try to build a box to shove it into for the day, until I can let it out away from her.

Today, I wish someone loved me enough to hold me, to lie to me to say it will be ok.

Monday, July 13, 2015

I've a secret

I may have found a safe online place for my thoughts. Maybe.

All I know is that I'm not the only one with issues with boundaries, yet I'm the one who is seen as the bad guy when I don't like the boundaries that we have.

Oh, and getting annoyed that I don't discuss why is SUPER hypocritical.