Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Perfectly Flawed

I always think to myself that I know what I am doing. I tell myself I have it figured out, and know what each step is.

Then he is around, and I can't think straight. I know that the co-dependence we have isn't ok, and I can't help but go with it because I don't want him to not be in my life.

He has been here for almost a week. He started cleaning my apartment, and he makes me food when I am too tired to function. He reminds me of things I am supposed to do to survive and doesn't want anything from me, since he has a chick to bang.

When I can't help but think that I am only ever good enough to bang for a while, he reminds me that I am wanted around, unlike Lestat, who comes around whenever he's hard up for someone to bang, because I'm good and available pretty much whenever, and he doesn't tend to care too much about if it is good for either of us. The boy will be here as long as I want him around, and leave if I say to, unless I have a bad reason for it, because he knows I can't be alone for too long, and he doesn't do too well alone either.

It is a terrible co-dependence, mostly because I have no idea what he gets out of it, apart from dealing with my bullshit all the damn time.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Love and all its complications

Sometimes, I wish I didn't know how to love. I wish that I didn't have such a big heart and didn't care so deeply about so many.

Right now is definitely one of those times.

There is Eddie, that first meant-to-be guy who I ran away from when things got serious. He's back in my life and those feelings didn't go away. He makes me smile and feel safe and happy. He's a romantic heart, the only guy to ever buy me flowers. He doesn't fight with me, and ends up bowing to my will all the time.

There is.....let's call him Lestat. He challenges me, plays with me, fights me. He makes me feel wanted, until he makes me feel scared. He makes me bend to his will sometimes being too forceful, and that lack of control is as outstanding as it is terrifying. He also isn't interested in more than just messing around.

Then there is the guy I can't help but be around. He makes me feel happy and needed and vulnerable without being controlling. He challenges me to think for myself about myself, and pushes me to grow past challenges as soon as they pop up. He lets me cry long enough to release, then talks me through the tears with reminders of my strength and courage and stubbornness. He reminds me that I am the Lady's granddaughter, and can get through anything. He fights with me when I'm being too bullheaded to think things through, and yet still listens to my point of view. He shows he cares one minute, and then the next is off to go see about a girl. He knows it hurts, and pretends not to know. He's the perfect blend of Eddie and Lestat, and for all of that, he is somehow also worse than them, because he doesn't get it by choice.

What do you do when your heart aches for those who don't want you, and feels damn near nothing for those who care with all of themselves? What do you do when you have to watch the guy you care about make terrible choices and pretend not to care?  How do you deal with that? I can't even say anything about it without being told just to let it go. Hell, even when I don't say anything about it I'm told to let it go by other people. He knows and ignores it, the one subject we don't talk about. He helps me when I'm down and makes things easier for me because he refuses to let me mope. Between Lestat and this one, it reminds me of Blood by In This Moment, the dual nature of loving the negatives and hating the positives of people, specifically "I hate you for the sacrifices you make for me....I hate you for never taking control of me. I hate you for always saving me from myself. I hate you for always choosing me and not someone else. I hate you for always pulling me back from the edge. I hate you for every good word you ever said.......
I love the way you dominate and you violate me....I love you for the way you look when you lie to me. I love you for never believing in what I say. I love you for never once giving me my way. I love you for never delivering me from pain. I love you for always driving me insane."  The amount this fits my life right now is just......annoying. I can't even process this anymore.