Tuesday, January 27, 2015

I don't wanna see tomorrow, but I don't wanna die

This week has been a lot of confusing, and heartache, and in general very difficult to get through. I had very few hours at work, I went to the last show of my favorite local band and I accepted that the guy I care about will never care about me the way I care about him. It wasn't all bad, though. I got to sleep for once, got to see a lot of people that I haven't seen in what seems like forever and I found someone who is willing to accept that I don't want to date, just have fun.

That being said, I also had 2 days this week where I woke up and honestly wished that I hadn't.

If you haven't paid attention to almost anything I have ever written, I have struggled with depression since high school. I've wanted to be dead a lot, and as morbid as it seems, I've thought of how many different ways I could die without having to actually kill myself. The past 4 years have been especially hard for this, because I had so much loss and what seemed like no gain at the time.

The last few months of last year, I didn't have more than a couple days where I hated life, and those days were based on events that happened those days.

I have found that I am worse at dealing with not wanting to live when I am alone in my apartment, seeing the way I live my life and not knowing why I still bother. I know that people need me, and I know that purpose helps me through a hell of a lot of the bad times, but when I am alone and don't feel like I am needed? Those are the worst times for me. That's when my brain goes into overdrive, reminding me that it wouldn't really matter if I overdosed on some pills, or fell asleep face-down in the bathtub, or starved to death, or had a heart attack, or fell asleep driving to crash headfirst into a semi. Those are the times that terrify me when they've passed, not because of the terribleness of those thoughts, but because of the calm clarity that comes with them, the realization that my life hasn't made a whole lot of an impact on the world as a whole.

Those are the times I have to force myself to see the small picture, to see that I have family and friends who would be, if not devastated or upset, at least severely inconvenienced by my death. I force myself to look through pictures of better times, even if those times are bittersweet now. I call a friend, or visit someone who matters to me, even if just to say hi, or not be alone.

The people who have helped me through these past 4 years know who they are, for the most part. They've seen the tears and heartaches I hide from most others. They've been there through all of it, and while some distanced themselves from what they couldn't deal with, all of them made life better just by being around.

This is something that I know I will always have to deal with. Even if everything were going perfectly, and I started up medication for it again, I would still have days where I don't want to live. The only difference between high school version of me and the present day version of me, is that the present day version of me is a lot happier on the days that aren't terrible because of the people I have found in the meantime, which honestly does make all the difference in the world.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Because I'm too chickenshit to say it out loud.

You're my best friend. And I love you. Those two things make everything much more difficult.

You know everything about me, and still put up with me. You tell me to suck it up when I'm just whining about things that don't matter. You remind me to take care of myself as far as food goes. You take care of me when I feel like crap, and you don't (seriously) bitch about me being so needy. You make me smile when I'm pissed at the world and don't want to smile. You hold my hand when I cry, and just knowing that you're there helps me feel better.

You say that you just do what you do because its what friends do for each other.

I don't want to lose you as my best friend, and that's increasingly difficult because I can't not love you. It isn't a choice.

I would rather spend a night in with you, watching movies or playing video games, than do almost anything else with anyone else. Hell, if I do go out, I spend most of the time wondering if you're ok, and trying to figure out a way to spend more time with you.

God it sounds so stupid to put it that way. It sounds like some stupid tween with puppy love. I can't accurately describe how it feels. The closest that I can come to it is that when you're around, I don't feel like I have to prove myself to you. I don't have to be anyone else. I can be me, and that is just fine. And when you're around, I realize how good it feels just to be me, no pressure.

Maybe that's incredibly selfish of a reason, but its better than the cliché that's also true. When you're around, I want to be better, to do better, because that's what you deserve. Even though you've made it clear you just want my friendship, I try my damndest to be a better friend.

That's why I can't actually say this to you, and though I know you will find it at some point, I just hope that point is later rather than sooner.

The time you stayed here was indescribable, mostly because it was all over the place. At first, it was just fine, then I got stupid because you were being stupid. I was happy for you as a friend, while at the same time it felt like it was stabbing me every time. You didn't like how Lestat treated me, and were very clear that you thought that it should stop. We both stopped being stupid, and that left us mostly with only each other for company. We didn't kill each other. We actually worked alright together, but my stress levels meant I snapped at you unnecessarily at times, and you just let it go.

People will probably always think we are more than friends. The truth is, I will never understand because you don't explain, or worse you explain in circles that just leave me confused.

To be honest, it isn't going to matter. Your feelings don't change mine. I attempt to keep them in until I feel I'm going to burst, then I have to vent them here, or somewhere.

To be honest, you are right that our friendship is more important, but friendships don't always get ruined because of feelings or relationships. Sometimes, it makes things better, and the risk is worth it.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Today was a bad day.

It wasn't bad because of anything in particularly. Today I woke up, and honestly felt that the world would be better if I were dead. Days like today are bad because I don't have someone around, someone who will remind me that I am needed and loved. I have to remind myself that I need to live because of my siblings. I have to remind myself that dying doesn't solve anything.

Randomness, because I can.

Saw this on one of my work trips, not 100% sure where though.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Where a bunch of songs took my head to a difficult place while driving

So I, of course, did the sensible thing, and found a bunch of quotes that explained my headspace.

You know, unrequited love is very difficult? It's not just having this one-sided love of someone who's far away. Being close, talking daily, liking a guy who's constantly near me is harder than it would be under different circumstances.
-Park So Hee

True regret is knowing you missed your only opportunity to be simply a good friend to someone that was exactly like you.
-Shannon L. Alder

My heart had been touched by him, battered by him, cradled by him as the days passed. He was cruel without meaning to be yet he was kind, and I needed him too much to let myself want him
-Mackenzie Herbert, Chasing Trains

To me, you were more than just a person. You were a place where I finally felt at home.
-Denice Envall

Only those relationships last forever that do not have a name.
-Ram Mohan