Saturday, May 16, 2015

I'm not ok.

I can say it over and over again, but it doesn't change that I really am not.

I don't understand how it is that you can say that I am enough, and turn around and say you aren't.

If you could see yourself the way I would be so much easier to explain.

Hell, if you could see yourself like most other people do in regards to me, we would be better off.

My "creator" says you look at me like I am a princess, and you radiate such care and respect, it is hard for her to not like you.

My sister sees how we respond to each other, how we communicate, and is certain that we are each others people.

Your sister thinks we are better together than not. She pushes for us to be together so much because even she can see how well we work together.

So you saying that you're bad for me? Makes absolutely no sense to me. Doesn't make a damn bit of sense to anybody.

I can't change how you feel. But I know the issue isn't that you don't want to be around me, and I know it isn't that you think I don't want you around. The issue is that you are too damn afraid of what might happen if you stay. You're too afraid that it will go badly, and you will lose my friendship, lose me. And because you're so damn afraid, you push me away, so that it is your choice, for my "own good."

You don't get to decide what is good for me. For some reason, you have decided that it could never be you, even though you and I mesh well in every way, even though you push me to be so much better, even though you help me remember the basic needs of life, the things I oftentimes forget.

I worry that you would rather have your self fulfilled prophecy, that you will drag me down, than take a shot at starting your own new chapter.

You do have a future. You deserve to turn to a new chapter with someone who cares.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Being enough

I am not a tiny girl. Not just size wise, though I will never be a size 0, or even a size 6. Everything is big for me. I can't help it, it is all I know how to be.

Oftentimes, I find that to be an issue, because so often I still feel like I am never enough. I'm not enough of what people want of me.

I cried today. We were watching This is Where I Leave You, and it hit a lot of triggers. More than anything else, it reminded me that I put up with a lot that I hated because I loved my husband. It reminded me that for everything that I give, every day, I will not ever be enough. I will never be the girl that a guy falls for. I will never be that strange girl who grows into the girl that guys fall over themselves for. I am just an odd one. I give my everything for people who don't see it, or worse, who see what I am, but don't think they deserve it.

I'm so very tired of not being enough. I'm tired of fighting with nothing to show for it.

I'm so very tired of being alone because the one person who I want to be enough for sees me as too much, or more than he deserves, or not enough of what they want.

I'm so tired of it, but have become so resigned about it.

Because honestly, ignoring what you want doesn't make it go away. And life is too damn short to not take risks, and too damn long to regret mistakes.