Monday, August 29, 2016


Someday, I want to be ok with myself. I want to be happy with who I am. I want to be comfortable showing the people I love how very important they are to me.
Someday, I want to find a person who isn't afraid to love me, a person who embraces my oddities and weaknesses as well as my strengths. I want to be able to openly show affection, without worrying if someone sees, or that it will ruin us. Someday, I want to find someone who helps me feel ok in my skin on days I feel like screaming and crying, even if their day isn't going the greatest either. Someday, I want to be that person for someone else.
Someday, I want to be a mom, want to hold my children close and kids their tears away, wrestle smiles on their faces with tickles and giggles. I want to celebrate their milestones, and comfort them after their failures, help them to accept their shortcomings, but move past them. Someday, I want my kids to fight with me for what they think is best, want them to stand up to me when I am assuming I know best without having the full story. I want them to know that I love them, even when they aren't perfect, but that I expect them to be their very best.

Someday, I want my life to be different. And I know I have to try harder to get that.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Always someone's ex

I am not someone's everything. I don't really want to be, but goddammit it would be the best thing in the world sometimes. It would be really nice to have someone care about me the way I care about him.....the way they care about the girls they adore. I just......dislike not being someone important to someone else. I hate it. I hate it so much. But I would hate to be someones everything, the only thing that matters to someone.
I am Izzy, but I am also George, and I am Meredith, and I am goddamn Karev, and I am fucking Jo. And right now I really hate being Izzy. because I know that I can't get by without my best friend. I know that it is not ok to be all or nothing all of the time.

But who am I to my person, is just a friend. and the only people who are interested in me are interested because their person isn't interested. God, it would just be nice to be someone's first choice.

Im having a hard time. Love is not easy, and accepting that you should let go of love is even more difficult. I want to be ok. I want to be happy. I want my life to be fuller. I know letting him go is best, and I am trying, but he keeps me focused and sane, and I know I am safe when he is around. He makes me care about me, about growing and being the best version of me that is possible. Maybe it is selfish, but it isn't nothing.

On the other hand there is the friend who calls me when he is sad and needs a friend, and I constantly have to tell him that if his wife hasn't gotten rid of her fling in 4 months, she isn't going to do so.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Forever feels like home sitting all alone

My brain has been everywhere lately. Thinking about everything that has happened, of all the feelings I can't seem to lock away right now. I tried dating. I tried random banging, and none of it changes anything. I don't know what to do. I just know that I need my best friend, especially right now, and if it stays as it is now, I will lose him. He will leave. I can't deal with that on top of everything else.
I'm an emotional disaster, trying like hell to keep my head above water. I feel crazy. I feel vulnerable and exposed. I went from not giving a fuck about anything, to going fucking nuts over stupid shit. I know it is dumb. I know I sound jealous, because I feel alone. I feel like no one cares, like I'm pointless if I'm not satisfying someone else's needs.
Pretty sure that it was a panic attack at work the other night, brought on by who knows what. I'm unstable. I'm trying to be more stable, and I need my constants. But my constants want their space and I don't know what to do but freak out. I don't know what to do when I'm alone unexpectedly. I don't know what I need to have people who I trust around without pushing them away.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Closed eyes

Another day,
just like every other day,
working until my fingers bleed.

Pain erupts,
so sudden it steals my breath,
doubles me over.

I lose time,
overwhelmed by the ache,
deep, and constant,
but increasing quickly and steadily.

I lose focus, can't keep my eyes open,
struggling to say anything,
to let someone know.

I lose strength,
body siphoning everything
to keep conscious.
The tears stream freely and openly,
not easing the pain.

People come in and leave,
ask questions I don't hear fully,
accept answers I don't remember being clear about.

So many people,
and I don't know if anyone understands.

I don't know if I'm being clear.
I don't know a lot of anything.
I know he's in the room,
next to me,
but I don't remember him coming in.

They strap me on the board,
ask questions;
laying down helps.

My pain stops being priority,
my body tries to lose consciousness.
Purple and blue blossom behind closed eyelids,
and I'm asked more questions.
I hear my babbling responses,
know that they don't track,
don't know how to explain,
know I'm not being understood.

The longer I lay down, the better I feel.
The trip to the hospital is long;
I see none of it.
The squeezing calms.

The hospital asks questions, does tests,
but gives no answers, no medicine.

The nurse writes my responses on a napkin.

I shouldn't be here.

Friday, March 18, 2016

I'm sorry.

I am sorry I can't let go easily. I'm sorry I've been a bitch lately. I'm sorry that I haven't done what I need to do to make life easier for all of us. I'm sorry I've been a pushover in a lot of ways.

I know you don't believe me, but I am trying. I really am. I know you understand depression. The problem is that you don't see and acknowledge when I'm fighting hard. You just tell me I need to do better without medicine or doctors, that I need to buckle down. I'm trying hard, and you don't seem to get it. I'm hurting and stressed.

I'm not blaming you. I know it seems like it. I know you don't want to live this way. I just....I'm trying. I know that isn't good enough. But it is all I can do.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

I'm not a pity fuck.

I'm not your fallback bang when you have no one else. I am not someone you take pity on and therefore deem fuckable.

I am worthwhile and amazing. I am worth taking the time to know, to love. I am not just some chick you bang. I can be your best friend, your friend with benefits, your girlfriend. I cannot and will not be your last resort.

Eventually, I will find someone who wants to be my person. Eventually I will find someone who considers me their person. In the meantime, I'm not wasting my time. I will look for them, but I will not wait for someone who refuses see what I mean to them. If they figure it out, that's on them. I'm tired of being alone, of being afraid to sleep because I'm afraid I will die alone. I'm looking. And I will find someone who sees my value, and doesn't want to let it go.