Wide awake

It is 5 am and I've been awake since 10am. I'm exhausted, but I lay down and just toss and turn. It is frustrating to no end, and I don't know why it is happening.

I haven't had this be my life in a while. Today was an excessively bad day at work, and after slightly throwing up at my desk, I had 3 more hours to get through. Figured I would get home and just.... sleep. But nope. Can't sleep. Even a shower to help relax didn't help. Now I'm wide awake and also clean.

My life lately

It has never been the days where everything goes wrong that have are bad days. It is always the days where nothing happens, where I'm just alone, not doing anything, that I wonder why I'm even here, why I even bother. I surround myself with memories, pictures of the people I love, memorabilia of times that I felt loved, cared for, happy. I pretend that it helps. I pretend that I am ok. Today I have sat here doing nothing, even though I know that I need to get things together in the house. I actively wanted to die today, intrusive thoughts fucking with my head. I don't know what is wrong with me.  Well I do. But I have never been this bad, not ever. I wanted to die today, slit my wrists and stop existing. I just....It is bad. I've been looking at the pictures of people who love me, or used to love me, or something. I don't even know anymore. I haven't seen any of them in ages. I feel lost, and confused. I feel terrified all the time. I can't fake it when I'm not busy. I can't pretend that everything is fine. I'm too cowardly to ever actually act on intrusive thoughts, which is, in may ways a blessing I suppose or I would have been dead years ago. I've never told anyone that I often feel like taking my life would be an appropriate solution. I don't tell people that I wish that I had the courage to end my damn life because I don't feel like I'm any good, or worthwhile, no matter how much people tell me that I am. No matter how many people I help or bring a smile to, I don't feel like I have any worth. I know that I am important to people, I know that I matter to people, that I make people happier being around. I know because people tell me that, but the back of my brain consistently says that they are just pitying me, or saying it because they think its what I need to hear. I don't feel like I deserve anyone caring about me, so I push people away, distance myself as much as possible. I isolate and watch the destructive spiral happen over and over. Most people give up quickly, don't try to push too hard. There are a select few who are do push, but over time I get even the most patient people to leave, either by being too fucked up, or pretending that I have it under control. I would rather keep people away most times because it is too much for me, and I live with my brain every day. I can't imagine what it would be like if most people knew that underneath this cheery facade I would rather die than get up most mornings. I'd be in a locked ward probably, being force fed the meds that I keep forgetting to take. It would probably be better for me in the long run, honestly, but I am terrified of being in a psych ward. I don't know what to do. I think thats where I'm headed.