Monday, August 29, 2016


Someday, I want to be ok with myself. I want to be happy with who I am. I want to be comfortable showing the people I love how very important they are to me.
Someday, I want to find a person who isn't afraid to love me, a person who embraces my oddities and weaknesses as well as my strengths. I want to be able to openly show affection, without worrying if someone sees, or that it will ruin us. Someday, I want to find someone who helps me feel ok in my skin on days I feel like screaming and crying, even if their day isn't going the greatest either. Someday, I want to be that person for someone else.
Someday, I want to be a mom, want to hold my children close and kids their tears away, wrestle smiles on their faces with tickles and giggles. I want to celebrate their milestones, and comfort them after their failures, help them to accept their shortcomings, but move past them. Someday, I want my kids to fight with me for what they think is best, want them to stand up to me when I am assuming I know best without having the full story. I want them to know that I love them, even when they aren't perfect, but that I expect them to be their very best.

Someday, I want my life to be different. And I know I have to try harder to get that.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Always someone's ex

I am not someone's everything. I don't really want to be, but goddammit it would be the best thing in the world sometimes. It would be really nice to have someone care about me the way I care about him.....the way they care about the girls they adore. I just......dislike not being someone important to someone else. I hate it. I hate it so much. But I would hate to be someones everything, the only thing that matters to someone.
I am Izzy, but I am also George, and I am Meredith, and I am goddamn Karev, and I am fucking Jo. And right now I really hate being Izzy. because I know that I can't get by without my best friend. I know that it is not ok to be all or nothing all of the time.

But who am I to my person, is just a friend. and the only people who are interested in me are interested because their person isn't interested. God, it would just be nice to be someone's first choice.

Im having a hard time. Love is not easy, and accepting that you should let go of love is even more difficult. I want to be ok. I want to be happy. I want my life to be fuller. I know letting him go is best, and I am trying, but he keeps me focused and sane, and I know I am safe when he is around. He makes me care about me, about growing and being the best version of me that is possible. Maybe it is selfish, but it isn't nothing.

On the other hand there is the friend who calls me when he is sad and needs a friend, and I constantly have to tell him that if his wife hasn't gotten rid of her fling in 4 months, she isn't going to do so.