Thursday, December 10, 2015

Misfits and misunderstood

Been listening to a lot of ICP and Twisted lately. I blame my best friends.

On that note. Today was bad. I couldn't sleep, then I had a panic attack, and started freaking out about being alone in my room. My best friend accepted that I kept him awake, because he knew I needed held.

My dad died in his dorm room, because he was alone, didn't feel right, and didn't have anyone to make sure he called the hospital. He had a heart attack. They didn't find him for 3 days. He was 32. I don't know if I will ever be able to live alone. I think I'm ok, and then I freak out, and can't deal with things.

I am starting going to the gym in January. I need to get my weight controlled, because I'm 4 years away from 30, and almost twice the weight I was at 18. I can't not do this. It is important.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Giving thanks 2 days late

I like to attempt to post what I've been thankful for that year every Thanksgiving. It is dumb, but it helps me remember when my life was less than the best, when I thought it would be better to die.
This year I haven't, because while a lot has changed, it is still mostly the same.
I live with my best friend, who helps me more than he will ever know, even when we fight.
I have 2 jobs, one just because I love it, and I am working on getting my life on track much better this year than previous years.
I still fight most days to get out of bed to go to work, or get errands or housework done, and I often lose that battle when it doesn't come to work.
I still hate myself a little more every time I don't actually get done what I plan to get done, and idiotically sulk more when it happens, so other stuff doesn't get done.
I am still trying. I'm not perfect. I don't see a lot of my life as a problem until I view it from the perspective of people who grew up differently than I did. I often need the somber reality checks that break my heart, because they push me to fight more than a request or hateful threat will. They push me to be better when I want to wallow in the misery that threatens my life daily. But they also add to the pain in my heart that makes wallowing so simple.
I am lucky. I'm not in a loving relationship, my family is full of bullshit games, and I pretty consistently am on the verge of not being able to afford to live on my own. I have little siblings who love and look up to me, and some of the best friends you could ever meet who remind me that I am loveable and worthwhile, even though I'm stubborn. If that doesn't make me lucky, I don't know what could.

Killing me slowly, bc softly is a lie

You know, I'm a fuck up. I fuck things up. I don't try very hard at things too often because I'm pretty sure that I will fuck it up.

It took damn near six months to clean out his room. There isn't an excuse for it. I didn't do it because I let other things be more important, and that is wrong. But I'm trying. And the moment I start trying, he decided he was done. He tried to leave tonight, and I couldn't let him because it was breaking my heart more than normal. It breaks my heart that he doesn't want me to be his person on a daily basis. But the idea of him leaving, and I can't function. I start to bawl, and best friend or not, he doesn't get to see when he breaks my heart. So I ran away. I ran outside and broke. I cried until I was numb from cold, and I will lay in my bed and cry some more. This isn't how this is supposed to work. It just isn't.

I can't have my best friend give up on me when the rest of the world could give a fuck less. I can't. I won't make it through that. That's not being over dramatic. Its just the truth.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Are you fucking serious?

Yes, I'm mad. you probably don't think I should be, think that's left only for you. I'm sorry you didn't answer the phone any of the 5 times I called you. I'm sorry you decided you would rather go home and play video games than hang out where you would be able to remind us of laundry. I'm sorry you think that I'm being selfish or whatever it is, but we don't get home until 8am ever. and that was still 3 hours away, plenty of time to do laundry before normal bedtime. you even said you didn't know what time you wanted to do laundry, so how the fuck am I supposed to know what time I need to be home to not piss you off? Don't ignore me, then be mad I can't read your mind. and if you're pissed off, when you don't even have your clothes gathered to even attempt to go, it is going to piss me off every fucking time. I'm not a mind reader, I'm not your girlfriend, I'm not your mother. I'm your best friend, and you need to tell me specifics before you get pissed at me.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Unlikely sources

Lately, I have been doing better.

Part of this is due to my stubborn self competing with someone else's stubbornness.

Another part of it is that I am on an upswing at the moment, for some reason.

And, because I'm ridiculous, I find that this comic that I found, called depression comix, actually helps me. A LOT.
It helps me realize that I am not the only one who has the bad down swings. I am not the only person who doesn't want to die, but who also would love not existing at times. It is easier, knowing that there is someone who understands that I am able to do only so much in a day before I am overwhelmed and exhausted.

After pretending around most people, and dealing with the stubbornness of those who should definitely know better than to try to push me through it, it is REALLY refreshing, knowing that I'm not crazy.

I'm not ok..... but I am getting there.

Friday, August 28, 2015

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

I love you.

That isn't going to change, regardless of whatever else I tell you.

What will, and must, change, is me waiting around for you to figure out that you are worth that love.

This is what you keep saying you want. This is what you think we need. Who am I to say differently?

So what I am going to do is exactly what you say you want: I will be your friend, and that is all.

As always, if you change your mind, that will be on you. I will not try to change your mind about it though, and if I am not available when you finally decide to change your mind, then that is too bad.

Nothing will stop me loving you, but I don't have to hurt for it all the time. I refuse to keep having nights where I cry and feel like I am not good enough. Because, screwed up as I am, I am good enough. I am more than good enough. You just have to realize that you're worth being loved. I can't help you with that. That is all on you.

Thursday, July 30, 2015


I'm tired.

I'm so tired of fighting, of trying to be better than I am. I'm tired of having so much potential that I can't reach because no matter what I do, my brain tells me I'm a fuck up, especially when things are going well.

I'm tired of hurting all the time, of watching happy people, people who love and are loved.

When do I get to be happy?

She lies and says she's in love with him

It took me a long time to understand that song, especially that line. As someone who cannot say she loves someone unless she believes it, it blew my mind. However, lying to yourself out of fear is not the same thing.

4 years ago today, I was preparing for my wedding. I loved my fiancée, and was very excited to spend the rest of my life with him. I was nervous that it was raining, and hoping it didn't continue into the next day.

7 months later, things were downhill, but I still believed I loved him, and he thought that he had settled in our marriage, though I clearly didn't think that anyone would love me, and clung to his offered love.

4 years ago, I was preparing for the happiest day of my life.

Today, I am hurting so badly I can barely keep from crying, and trying to keep that away from JEGB, as we prepare for her happiest day. Tomorrow will be terrible, and I will have to fight so much harder, as we have the rehearsal dinner at the same time that I got married, and it won't be communication through text, but in person. I am going to have to try to build a box to shove it into for the day, until I can let it out away from her.

Today, I wish someone loved me enough to hold me, to lie to me to say it will be ok.

Monday, July 13, 2015

I've a secret

I may have found a safe online place for my thoughts. Maybe.

All I know is that I'm not the only one with issues with boundaries, yet I'm the one who is seen as the bad guy when I don't like the boundaries that we have.

Oh, and getting annoyed that I don't discuss why is SUPER hypocritical.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Scared of sleeping

It isn't that I'm not tired: I'm so exhausted a lot of the time it feels like I should have died a long time ago.
It isn't that I get too distracted by silence: I always have music.

It isn't even JUST because I am kind of terrified of not waking up.

If I am being completely honest with myself and everyone else, I am afraid that I will die in my sleep,

and no one will notice.

It has been a long time since it has been as bad as it has been the past few weeks. I used to be afraid to fall asleep anywhere there wasn't someone next to me. I made some extremely poor choices due to that. And it sounds really stupid, so I don't mention it to people.

It wasn't until my ex-husband left me, and I lived completely alone for the first time ever, that I actually realized why I was that way, which should have been stupidly obvious.

My dad had a heart attack in his dorm room, and died. Alone. And wasn't found for 3 days. That is why I worry too much to sleep, and why I always sleep better when someone is next to me, holding me and reminding me that I am not dead.

I hate that about me, so I try to avoid it a lot. I hate needing people to remind myself that I am not dead, to remind myself that there actually are people who would give a fuck if I died. So instead, I avoid it, sleep alone, or stay up for days on end until I drop from exhaustion. All because I would rather do that then go back to what I was doing, and needing someone around to sleep, inconveniencing them, and making things awkward.

Lately, it has been difficult for me. I have been without physical touch more often than not, for reasons that are complicated, yet make things easier. I can deal without physical touch when I am awake, because it isn't that huge of a deal. I can live. But when I'm trying to sleep? That lack of comfort, of knowing that there is someone who will definitely notice if something starts to go wrong with my sleeping, that is to say, it is becoming the forever sleep, and that they will try to make sure that I don't die.

It sounds so stupid to say. I hate how fucked my head is. Between this stupid need, and the fact that I losing the fight to do anything on a daily basis, even though I want to care, I feel like I am losing my mind. I just am painfully numb, until I get yelled at, then I either get stupidly defensive, or I get so that I can feel the blood pulsing in my ears and I know that I am going to lose my temper if I don't shut my eyes, and focus very closely on my breathing. It isn't even that I feel like I should be angry, I just lose control.

And the worst part of all of it, is that even through the issues, even through someone trying to get me to explain what is wrong, I can't do it out loud. I can't say out loud that I'm afraid I will die if I go to sleep. I can't say out loud that I don't actually even really care if I do. I can't say that every time they try to make me explain, I can hear my pulse in my right ear, which is what happens when I am losing control of my temper and thoughts.

Saying any of that is insanity; but that doesn't make it a lie.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

I never thought I'd be so fragile

I am bad at a lot of things. I don't always make the best choices. The way I feel so much, so often, makes the days that I feel nothing seem like blank sheets of paper, laminated so they stick out and make it impossible to mar the surface. If I do things on those days, it is a surface level emotion, not actually sticking proper in my head, if that makes any sense. Those days have, thankfully, been few and far between lately, and yet, that also makes those days seem worse when they pop up. It's almost as though they show up to remind me,
"Hey, guess what? You're still fucked up."

I used to deal with them by wallowing, by letting those days be wasted, even if I had originally had plans. I became the kind of person who would flake out at the last minute, the kind of person who never got around to things, the kind of person who seemed miserable for no damn reason. I hated everything about my life, for no reason. Things were never easy, but there are people out there who have it a lot worse than me. I would remind myself of that often. It never helped, just made me feel worse for feeling so bad for no real reason.

I started getting better at dealing with those days. I would force myself to keep plans, though if it got to be too much, I would say I wasn't feeling well and excuse myself from the situation.

This last one though? I don't know why I was hit so hard by it, except that it showed me that, as numb as I had been feeling, I wasn't the empty husk I had the potential to be when the days were really bad. I was empty this last time, and briefly considered cutting into my skin to see if I could feel anything at all. The only thing that stopped me was knowing that if I started, I probably wouldn't have stopped until I couldn't hold the knife anymore, and the guys would have come home to that, just another mess I would leave them with. 

I haven't had that bad of a day for no reason since I lived with my mother. I haven't felt so overwhelmed and worthless in almost a decade, and even then, I don't remember it being so jarring.

I don't like to actually talk about things of this nature. I can never figure out a way to explain it that doesn't seem over dramatic or like less than what it is. When I take the time to write things out, it is because I need to get it out of my head, to where it is possible for someone, anyone, to read and understand. I've always been bad at saying how I feel, because with my mother, that was always frowned upon. That's why I've never told someone I was saying that I loved them until I was sure, because the words wouldn't come out. Even if I could write it, it didn't mean the same thing until I could say it.

Maybe it was especially bad because I was home alone. Maybe it was bad because my brain started to go through every mistake I have ever made. If I had to guess, I would say it was bad because I don't feel like I have control over my life right now, but I never know why it's bad one day and not another. All I know for sure is that I can't talk or write about it until I've processed as much of it as possible. 

I'm still not 100%, but I will be at some point. That is the important part.

Thursday, June 11, 2015


I hate my life. Honestly, it isn't even that the life I live is bad. I feel empty. I feel lost. I feel like I am pointless. I hide it as best I can, but alone, I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like no matter what I do, it doesn't matter. Everything's been gray for a while. All the fun I force myself through, the conversations I barely keep an ear on because I can't focus my attention pretty much ever, the smiles and laughter I works sometimes. It gets me through, a little more refreshed than I was before. It never feels right.

I'm trying to be less of a burden. I know that I'm not very good at it, hell, I'm a fucking bitch who doesn't do things very well at all. I don't bring up the bad days, and I do my damndest to not be a drag. Most days, I even do that poorly. Tonight, I'm just laying here crying. I don't even know why.

Fuck this. Just.......fuck it. I don't even know why I'm writing, apart from that it normally helps when I am alone and confused. But, not this time. I don't feel anything but scared, and I'm terrified, even though when asked about it, I'm going to say it was no big deal, just a bad night, because I don't want to talk about it, because it won't help at all. It hasn't helped to talk, and it doesn't help to sleep, and right now, it doesn't help to write.

I'm going to ignore it for now, and maybe I will want to talk about it later. I just.....hoped that this would help.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

I'm not ok.

I can say it over and over again, but it doesn't change that I really am not.

I don't understand how it is that you can say that I am enough, and turn around and say you aren't.

If you could see yourself the way I would be so much easier to explain.

Hell, if you could see yourself like most other people do in regards to me, we would be better off.

My "creator" says you look at me like I am a princess, and you radiate such care and respect, it is hard for her to not like you.

My sister sees how we respond to each other, how we communicate, and is certain that we are each others people.

Your sister thinks we are better together than not. She pushes for us to be together so much because even she can see how well we work together.

So you saying that you're bad for me? Makes absolutely no sense to me. Doesn't make a damn bit of sense to anybody.

I can't change how you feel. But I know the issue isn't that you don't want to be around me, and I know it isn't that you think I don't want you around. The issue is that you are too damn afraid of what might happen if you stay. You're too afraid that it will go badly, and you will lose my friendship, lose me. And because you're so damn afraid, you push me away, so that it is your choice, for my "own good."

You don't get to decide what is good for me. For some reason, you have decided that it could never be you, even though you and I mesh well in every way, even though you push me to be so much better, even though you help me remember the basic needs of life, the things I oftentimes forget.

I worry that you would rather have your self fulfilled prophecy, that you will drag me down, than take a shot at starting your own new chapter.

You do have a future. You deserve to turn to a new chapter with someone who cares.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Being enough

I am not a tiny girl. Not just size wise, though I will never be a size 0, or even a size 6. Everything is big for me. I can't help it, it is all I know how to be.

Oftentimes, I find that to be an issue, because so often I still feel like I am never enough. I'm not enough of what people want of me.

I cried today. We were watching This is Where I Leave You, and it hit a lot of triggers. More than anything else, it reminded me that I put up with a lot that I hated because I loved my husband. It reminded me that for everything that I give, every day, I will not ever be enough. I will never be the girl that a guy falls for. I will never be that strange girl who grows into the girl that guys fall over themselves for. I am just an odd one. I give my everything for people who don't see it, or worse, who see what I am, but don't think they deserve it.

I'm so very tired of not being enough. I'm tired of fighting with nothing to show for it.

I'm so very tired of being alone because the one person who I want to be enough for sees me as too much, or more than he deserves, or not enough of what they want.

I'm so tired of it, but have become so resigned about it.

Because honestly, ignoring what you want doesn't make it go away. And life is too damn short to not take risks, and too damn long to regret mistakes.

Friday, April 24, 2015


Said that I wouldn't push it, but I had one last thought before I go to sleep.
I would take the pain of losing you, knowing I had been able to see if we actually work as well as everyone thinks we do, over the pain of not trying, of not knowing every day for the rest of time if we could have worked. Because it is already too late for me not to hurt for loss of you. It is already late enough that no matter what happens, what we become, we are tied together. 6 in one hand, half dozen in the other. I don't have a winning hand, but at least one seems to be less foul, less wrong.

I know I can't save you. My super hero days are long past, because it turns out, I am not Batman. I am not Superman. I am not the hero. I am merely a mortal, a girl who looks out for the one person in her life who makes anything seem possible, even as broken as he is. I am a woman who sees so much potential in a man who doesn't see it. I will love you until forever, as much good it does me, because for it, I will hurt forever, knowing that one day, you will give up, no matter what I do. One day, you will be gone, and the pain very well may kill me, regardless of if we try to be more or not.

I love you.

That doesn't change because you don't want to pull me down, or because you don't want to hurt me. No matter what we do, at some point I will hurt. This way it is constant, very near to numbing, without the hope of knowing until one day I will have that sharp, bitter painfulness of immeasurable loss. If we try, there is happiness, and one day immeasurable pain. There isn't a choice otherwise.
For not letting me save you, you're doing your damndest to try to save me from the one outcome that is not changeable. You will, one day, hurt me, by not being here any more. And you would rather I not have the happiness as a balm, preferring I take the bitter pill in the hopes of lessening the pain.

THAT is where your selfishness lies; in not understanding that happiness would make the pain more manageable. Because we would have happiness, rather than uncertainty. A thousand small cuts without the proper care will kill just as surely as a fatal stab to the heart, but will hurt much more in the meantime.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Frenzied Peace

I never thought that I would find it again
that poetic voice that used to
SCREAM inside my head,
whisper sweet nothings in my dreams.

I never thought I would feel anything again.

My heads a mess of feelings lately

good, bad
anything but apathetic.

I watched you as you slept (creepy, I know.)

and watching you sleep,
seeing you            
                                                           not pretending to be anything,
                                                           just being you,

looked like the most beautiful thing in the world.

I so rarely see you sleep,

and seeing you sleeping so soundly
awoke that voice inside me,
that hauntingly beautiful voice I hadn't heard in such a long time,
telling me to listen,
 to let my pen take over,
to write again.

You didn't do anything,
 (stupid as it is)
I love you more for that.
 I can feel again. I can put the thoughts and feelings in a place where my poetic mind can elaborate, can bleed poetically in a way it had been hiding itself. Elaborate words where simple ones would suffice. My voice was gone for so long, I thought it was dead. I thought that part of me had died, the part that expressed everything it saw with a beauty that words often make smaller.

Today, I have realized that I cannot stop loving you, but I also cannot dare to push for more than we have. To push further would be to break us, what we have. I would rather have this game of pretend than lose all of it.

Today, I understand exactly what you mean when you say you can't risk losing this. I thought that I understood before.
Life tends to be more complex than that, and without that voice, my own sort of soul, I had no way of really grasping it.

I don't know if you love me.
I know you care.
I know you want to make sure that I am ok.

You've done that for so long, I forgot how important that is.
I don't appreciate you the way that I should.

It has been a long time since a moment was so beautiful that I HAD to get a pen and paper and write it down. More than anything else, I am glad to have that back. I could watch you sleep all day. Your face at peace, brow untroubled.... it is who you are when you don't hide, who you are when you don't hurt. I'd never seen that before.

Today, I realized that I could spend the rest of my life watching you sleep,
or, at least,
as long as you would put up with me anyway.

I've never been as clear as anything in my life.

You remind me of who I m, and help me forget the dumb mistakes I've made.
You show me my best qualities, and help me get past my worst ones.

With you, I am so much better than I have been, because I know that you don't judge me for my mistakes, for my failures. You pick me back up, tell me not to be dumb and push me right back into doing things the right way.

I forgot how nice it was to have someone push me.
I forgot how good it felt to have someone believe in me.
And you did it without being mean about it, or even showing that you were pushing at all.

Now I hear your even breathing, a quiet comfort I had missed; its simple beauty so inspiring and beautiful that it almost brings me to tears.

I have found the voice through your care and kindness.

You say that you don't know what you would do if something happened and you lost me.
I don't think you have realized how much you have helped me find me again.
My book laid dormant, for want of a pen, of my thoughts,to come flowing back into it.
My hand has missed this feeling, the cramping from writing so much so quickly, letting my thoughts flow freely without blockage.

I can feel again,
         think again,
         breathe again.
This wonderful feeling is so much more than I remembered.
It takes me to a place of peace and clarity.
It shows me what my head refused to see,
because of the RISK,
of opening my heart again,
honestly and truly opening my heart,
rather than just getting past the gnawing loneliness.

For once, this isn't due to some doting suitor who is beneath me,
who doesn't deserve my attention,
or who putts me up so high above himself that I seem perfect.

This is finding my equal,
someone to walk with and grow with,
who knows my flaws and puts up with me anyway.

You've been a constant thought in my life since you came into it.
I've seen your pain and suffering, been there when you didn't think you deserved it.
You've done the same for me.
 Without you, I would still be fighting to get by, as I am now, but I would not be me.
I wouldn't be the person who feels,
and writes,
and cares,
and expresses all of those things.

You have awoken in me the girl who wrote for reasons other than pain,
I forgot how much I love that girl,
that part of me that ran away for lack of love.

I never imagined, out of anything that could ever be given to me,
that I would be able to have her back.
I thought that I would forever fight to write down my thoughts,
that I would forever lose touch of pouring my soul down through my pen, onto the paper.
I feel everything again,
the welcoming cramp of hand and wrist,
the tingling of pure bliss through my limbs.

It has been present more lately,
and seemed so unfamiliar,
so foreign, like a passing chill on a summer day,
or, more accurately,
a burst of warmth in a winter chill.
It was there the day I woke to find you standing over the hospital bed,
alarms going off because I stopped breathing.
It was there when you held my hand
as I drunkenly apologized for anything I could think of in such a drunken stupor,
and again when the events of Christmas broke my heart and tore me to tears.

I don't know how much you care about me for sure,
but I do know
that the chemistry,
and the teamwork
we have, is very rare,
 and very beautiful.

Today, I found out I am the luckiest girl in the world,
because I can watch you sleep,
and know you will still be here when I wake up.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

3 years, and 5 days

It hit me today. My ex husband left me almost exactly 3 years ago.
In 3 years, I have made such outstanding strides, and rarely think about him.


That isn't entirely true.

I still think about him. I loved him.
I loved who I was when we started off, who he was when things were easy.
I wanted to spend my life with him, and he shattered my heart into a million pieces as though it were the easiest thing in the world.

If you've known me for a while, you know that I am a much different person than I was when I was a 23 year old newly-wed, intent on taking over the world. I got kicked in the dirt a few times, and have the scars to prove it. There are times where those scars are almost visible, and I know that will be less noticeable as time marches on. I still have issues with trust, and I still have issues accepting compliments, and I still have a problem seeing myself as a capable human adult. Some of those issues are as old as I am, and some are just 3 years old.

For those of you who weren't around:

3 years ago, I wanted to end my life. For the first time since I was 16 years old, 3 years ago, I wanted to die, because I felt like I was worthless, like there was no point to me being around, when someone who said that they were going to love me forever decided I wasn't worth the effort 8 months in. Out of anything that I could ever have expected, that was the least likely on my radar, though it should have been plainly obvious. My friends showed up and talked me down, and got me to a safe place, and even took me in for a bit so that I wasn't on the streets. I hadn't had a job for a month, but I had an interview the day after, got the job and managed to find an apartment that I could not really afford, and suffered dearly for it.

2 years ago, I made it back home, and I got an apartment after minor couch surfing, which I was glad to have the ability to do, rather than have to go to a shelter or sleep outside. I barely ever had food, and I worked 3 jobs trying to support myself, but I got by with a little help from my friends.

Last year, the apartment that I lived in became the place I had lived the longest on my own, which was such an amazing feeling to me. I felt like I was actually doing something the right way for once. I still didn't do too well at keeping food in my house, but a good friend helped me on that towards the end of the year.

This year, I will be moving into a house. With a bit of hard work, I will end up with a job that will pay me decently, with a standard schedule so that I can also attempt to have a life, and I will prepare for my little sister to come live with me if she needs to next year.

I am so much better off than I have ever been, and if I didn't have my friends and family, I wouldn't be here. Because truth be told, if my friends had listened to me tell them that I would be alright, that I didn't need them to make the hour drive, I would have died that night. I came back from getting smokes, and my friends were banging on the security door in the middle of the night, trying to get someone to respond so that they could find me. I have never loved Kelsi, Tyler, and James more. Especially James. I called the one friend I knew at the time who did not have a license, and he STILL managed to get to me in an hour to make sure that I was safe.

I'm not perfect. I'm not even CLOSE. But I do have to say that for all the things that have changed in 3 years, I am glad that I still have outstanding friends, who care about me and who are there for me when things are rough, even if it is my own fault.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

What do you want from me?

I don't express myself well in person all the time.
I don't want to say things that end up pissing you off or disappointing you,
but I'm tired of this game we play, the one where I never know if you are afraid to lose my friendship and won't risk happiness,
or if you honestly feel nothing more than friendship. I know you consider them the same feelings, but I can't.
I want to have a chance to see, to try, to do what needs to be done to have that chance. But if its all pointless, if it all ends the same way, then what the hell are we doing?
Playing a game of pretend, where no one wins for losing?
Ignoring feelings for the sake of comfort and ease?
Pretending that I don't care about you doesn't work, because you see through those easily.
Pretending that it doesn't bother me when you blur lines so thoroughly that my head spins doesn't work, because I can't read you like I can read most people.
I know you want my friendship, but I don't know if you want it only because you aren't interested in me, or because you don't feel you can be.
I have chosen not to be monogamous, because in the past, I haven't had someone who meets the standards I hold. Right now, the only thing you don't do that I need is cuddle randomly, which is because of the blurring of the friendship line, which I can understand and respect.
With you, monogamy would never be a chore, or a compromise. I know you don't believe that, but it is the truth.
The problem I have, is that I don't know what the hell you want from me....
And I don't think you do either.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Proximity bombs

Because you think it matters, you think I wouldn't feel if you weren't always here. But that's not really what I see as the main point. You being here isn't what makes me think of you. I've thought of you daily since we started hanging out, before you were ever here. You just stick in my head for being you. If you hadn't, I wouldn't want to spend time with you daily. If you weren't in my head often, we wouldn't have gotten to the point of not knowing the last time that I didn't see you every day.

Proximity doesn't make things worse for my feelings. It reminds me of them, yes, but that isn't the same thing. You being here doesn't hurt me. Only has once. And we discussed that.

I like having you around, because honestly, it makes things easier for me. It isn't all that complicated. When you aren't here, I still think of you, still worry about you, still want to spend time with you.

The issue is not our proximity, as much as problems in definitions. You consider a friend a higher regard than a love interest. I think of it the opposite way. You don't put labels on things of that sort, and I feel that is alright too, as long as everyone knows where they stand. And right now, I don't. Yes, you've explained you want my friendship, but based on your definition of friendship, I am confused. That is what we don't talk about. And we don't talk about it because I can't open up that much to be dashed down because you don't feel for me the same way, even if by a different name.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

what I say, and what I don't

I told you I don't mind you here.

I didn't say that without you here, I am lost.

I told you that we would manage to get everything to work out just fine with the apartment full.

I didn't say that I didn't know if I could manage living with another person if you weren't there to buffer.

I told you that I knew what I was doing.

I didn't tell you that I value every piece of input you give me, even if you do so indirectly.

I told you that I appreciate you being here, and helping me with so much more than you know.

I didn't tell you that your claims to be a burden are the dumbest thing I have ever heard.

Even with everything I told you,

I have never told you that I would have given up a long time ago, if not for your presence.

I am no good for you,

but you still stick around.

You claim you're no good for me,

but I wouldn't run if I could.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

"The Dress"


NOW. I have a lot to say about this one. On the one hand,(and I am going to just say that it is the biggest aspect of my thoughts right now) I think that this is a beautiful way to point out that abuse is going on, and women are just going with it.

On the other hand, I also feel like there are a lot of reasons that women to tend to stay in abusive situations, and it isn't the easiest to get out of them. A lot of this is due to how society and the government still tend to view these things. There are a lot of different reasons for staying that outweigh a beating here and there for a lot of women. In some instances, it is safer for them to stay, rather than have to literally give up everything in their life (family, friends, job), just for them to have to run from their abusive ex, who is likely to find them anyway. If you don't have documentation of abuse, it is very difficult to be able to get a restraining order, which in the long run is really just a piece of paper that doesn't protect you all that much. If you manage to get out, there are some resources to help you, but giving up everything in your old life is something that is assumed you will be ok with dealing with. Asking for help after staying in that situation for a long time makes a lot of people look down on you, though that logic has never flown well with me either.

I understand the point of the ad being to not let that be the standard. I do. However, to do it in a way that shames victims for their choices while abused..... I don't know. Maybe I am just not seeing this from a good frame of mind, since I have been awake far too long at this point.

Either way, I do enjoy that an ad made me think about something a lot more serious and important than a product, and about a social issue.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Living Through My Depression, and Learning Why

News flash: Depression sucks, and while some people use it for a fleeting emotion, for those of us who deal with it on a monthly, weekly or even daily basis, depression has a habit of changing who you are and how you respond to things.

This blog started off as my venting point, when the days were too tiresome, or the moods too intense. I vented, but still kept some of the pain inside, locked away from others out of a form of protection. When I have my really bad days, I would never wish the feelings on anyone, not even my worst enemy.

While I kept a lot of it inside, it was hard to really relate to anyone. Lenny doesn't really understand it, and when I recently had a bad week, I unintentionally took it out on him. He sat me down, and tried to have me explain what was going on. My attempt to explain that I didn't care about life at the moment didn't fly over too well.

I know there are a lot of resources out there, explaining depression and how it affects people, especially since the passing of Robin Williams. As a person with depression, I found them to be both helpful and inspiring, knowing that there are people out there going through the terrible darkness with me, knowing I'm not the only person who feels this way. Trying to explain that feeling to someone who has never felt it is like explaining the terrifying feeling of being stuck in that soul damaging blackness to someone with a flashlight. While my brain understands that the depression is a chemical imbalance of sorts, and that the thoughts I have are irrational and hurtful, I cannot help but have them. To explain to someone who has only had situational depression that there are days when getting out of bed is an extremely difficult thing, or where continuing to live seems pointless, even knowing there are things to look forward to to make what's going on a reason to continue living.....its like having third degree burns and a person who had a really bad sunburn once telling you just to put some aloe on it, that it will clear up real quick. While in that comparison, there's actual physical evidence that the 2 aren't similar, the comparison of the depressed vs someone who had a rough patch is just as ridiculous.

I have a lot to look forward to in my life right now. I have a good job, I'm working towards renovating a house that I will start renting from my grandmother, and I'm getting my life in order so that I can take care of the people who are important to me. Even aware of all of those things, on the bad days, my brain tells me that none of those things matter. In 100 years, who is going to remember that some ginger 25 year old fought through life's battles to make her own way? My brain tells me that nothing matters and life would continue on without me with barely a hiccup.

I am not suicidal. I don't actively want to die. But sometimes I don't want to be alive anymore. I have to force myself to do things normal people hardly think about: eat, bathe, clothe myself, go to work, sleep.

All of those things have taught me a lot about who I am as a person. They have become a part of me that, while making my life difficult, have also, in my skewed opinion, made me a much better person than I would otherwise be.

Even in the deepest throes of my depression, I have only been legitimately suicidal once, and it was that one time that truly helped define what I consider important in my life.

My Junior year of high school was the second most difficult year I have ever had. It was when my depression really kicked into overdrive and almost threw me over the edge into oblivion. Even with everything I have gone through since, I still cringe to think of everything that went wrong, and the one thing that could have gone wrong that went so very right.

I couldn't deal with all of the stress and how difficult my life at the time was, and started thinking of the ways that I could end my life. I had finally decided upon taking a bunch of pills, and was carrying them with me as I went through what I intended to be my last day. I went to my classes, did everything that was expected of me, so as to not arouse suspicion from anyone. I went to swim practice after school, where I was one of the coach's assistants. After school, I hung out with a friend, who had noticed something was wrong, but didn't press the issue. When I got home, I worked on writing a note to leave.

About halfway through it, another friend, who was having a difficult time at the time, called me, bawling her eyes out. I put the note and the pills in my backpack, consoling her until she had to get off the phone. She thanked me for being there for her, and said that she didn't know what she would do without me. Up until that point, I honestly didn't think that anyone would miss me when I was gone. I honestly didn't think that I made a whole lot of a difference in people's day to day lives. I went to bed and woke up the next morning, realizing that I had to make sure the people around me were ok before I could die.

I carried those pills and note around for 2 weeks. I stopped feeling the need to use them after a week and a half. I stopped carrying them around because a friend found them and demanded I flush them immediately. The suicidal urge passed, and even though I have not wanted to continue life many times since, I have always remembered that I am necessary in a lot of people's lives.

Going through all of that has helped me know a very important part of my character: I am always going to be more worried about other people than myself. My purpose in life at this point is to make sure that those around me are safe and cared for. Maybe that isn't the best quality to have, but it is who I am, and what got me through the hardest of times. It is what pushes me forward when things seem too difficult. It is what makes me awesome, and useful, and needed. It is what makes me, me. And I'm more glad to have that knowledge than a perfect, carefree life.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

I don't wanna see tomorrow, but I don't wanna die

This week has been a lot of confusing, and heartache, and in general very difficult to get through. I had very few hours at work, I went to the last show of my favorite local band and I accepted that the guy I care about will never care about me the way I care about him. It wasn't all bad, though. I got to sleep for once, got to see a lot of people that I haven't seen in what seems like forever and I found someone who is willing to accept that I don't want to date, just have fun.

That being said, I also had 2 days this week where I woke up and honestly wished that I hadn't.

If you haven't paid attention to almost anything I have ever written, I have struggled with depression since high school. I've wanted to be dead a lot, and as morbid as it seems, I've thought of how many different ways I could die without having to actually kill myself. The past 4 years have been especially hard for this, because I had so much loss and what seemed like no gain at the time.

The last few months of last year, I didn't have more than a couple days where I hated life, and those days were based on events that happened those days.

I have found that I am worse at dealing with not wanting to live when I am alone in my apartment, seeing the way I live my life and not knowing why I still bother. I know that people need me, and I know that purpose helps me through a hell of a lot of the bad times, but when I am alone and don't feel like I am needed? Those are the worst times for me. That's when my brain goes into overdrive, reminding me that it wouldn't really matter if I overdosed on some pills, or fell asleep face-down in the bathtub, or starved to death, or had a heart attack, or fell asleep driving to crash headfirst into a semi. Those are the times that terrify me when they've passed, not because of the terribleness of those thoughts, but because of the calm clarity that comes with them, the realization that my life hasn't made a whole lot of an impact on the world as a whole.

Those are the times I have to force myself to see the small picture, to see that I have family and friends who would be, if not devastated or upset, at least severely inconvenienced by my death. I force myself to look through pictures of better times, even if those times are bittersweet now. I call a friend, or visit someone who matters to me, even if just to say hi, or not be alone.

The people who have helped me through these past 4 years know who they are, for the most part. They've seen the tears and heartaches I hide from most others. They've been there through all of it, and while some distanced themselves from what they couldn't deal with, all of them made life better just by being around.

This is something that I know I will always have to deal with. Even if everything were going perfectly, and I started up medication for it again, I would still have days where I don't want to live. The only difference between high school version of me and the present day version of me, is that the present day version of me is a lot happier on the days that aren't terrible because of the people I have found in the meantime, which honestly does make all the difference in the world.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Because I'm too chickenshit to say it out loud.

You're my best friend. And I love you. Those two things make everything much more difficult.

You know everything about me, and still put up with me. You tell me to suck it up when I'm just whining about things that don't matter. You remind me to take care of myself as far as food goes. You take care of me when I feel like crap, and you don't (seriously) bitch about me being so needy. You make me smile when I'm pissed at the world and don't want to smile. You hold my hand when I cry, and just knowing that you're there helps me feel better.

You say that you just do what you do because its what friends do for each other.

I don't want to lose you as my best friend, and that's increasingly difficult because I can't not love you. It isn't a choice.

I would rather spend a night in with you, watching movies or playing video games, than do almost anything else with anyone else. Hell, if I do go out, I spend most of the time wondering if you're ok, and trying to figure out a way to spend more time with you.

God it sounds so stupid to put it that way. It sounds like some stupid tween with puppy love. I can't accurately describe how it feels. The closest that I can come to it is that when you're around, I don't feel like I have to prove myself to you. I don't have to be anyone else. I can be me, and that is just fine. And when you're around, I realize how good it feels just to be me, no pressure.

Maybe that's incredibly selfish of a reason, but its better than the cliché that's also true. When you're around, I want to be better, to do better, because that's what you deserve. Even though you've made it clear you just want my friendship, I try my damndest to be a better friend.

That's why I can't actually say this to you, and though I know you will find it at some point, I just hope that point is later rather than sooner.

The time you stayed here was indescribable, mostly because it was all over the place. At first, it was just fine, then I got stupid because you were being stupid. I was happy for you as a friend, while at the same time it felt like it was stabbing me every time. You didn't like how Lestat treated me, and were very clear that you thought that it should stop. We both stopped being stupid, and that left us mostly with only each other for company. We didn't kill each other. We actually worked alright together, but my stress levels meant I snapped at you unnecessarily at times, and you just let it go.

People will probably always think we are more than friends. The truth is, I will never understand because you don't explain, or worse you explain in circles that just leave me confused.

To be honest, it isn't going to matter. Your feelings don't change mine. I attempt to keep them in until I feel I'm going to burst, then I have to vent them here, or somewhere.

To be honest, you are right that our friendship is more important, but friendships don't always get ruined because of feelings or relationships. Sometimes, it makes things better, and the risk is worth it.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Today was a bad day.

It wasn't bad because of anything in particularly. Today I woke up, and honestly felt that the world would be better if I were dead. Days like today are bad because I don't have someone around, someone who will remind me that I am needed and loved. I have to remind myself that I need to live because of my siblings. I have to remind myself that dying doesn't solve anything.

Randomness, because I can.

Saw this on one of my work trips, not 100% sure where though.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Where a bunch of songs took my head to a difficult place while driving

So I, of course, did the sensible thing, and found a bunch of quotes that explained my headspace.

You know, unrequited love is very difficult? It's not just having this one-sided love of someone who's far away. Being close, talking daily, liking a guy who's constantly near me is harder than it would be under different circumstances.
-Park So Hee

True regret is knowing you missed your only opportunity to be simply a good friend to someone that was exactly like you.
-Shannon L. Alder

My heart had been touched by him, battered by him, cradled by him as the days passed. He was cruel without meaning to be yet he was kind, and I needed him too much to let myself want him
-Mackenzie Herbert, Chasing Trains

To me, you were more than just a person. You were a place where I finally felt at home.
-Denice Envall

Only those relationships last forever that do not have a name.
-Ram Mohan