Friday, April 27, 2012

Day 28: Discovering me?

How I feel today

It is scary to have reached a point where I'm not quite sure what is facade and what is me anymore. Right now it seems like I'm always just covering up my pain and hurt because I can't deal with it, let alone try to let other people see it. I just.... feel really weird because I don't know how to turn that off. I don't want to deal with everything, and it is like I can't take off the security blanket of safeness. That is a redundant statement kind of but I don't care. I don't know who I am again, and that is just a really odd feeling, when I know that I had figured out who I was and what I stood for and believed in before Brian and I started dating. I have to re-evaluate what it means to be Pam, working on getting divorced, trying to understand what the hell is wrong with me that I can't keep anyone happy longer than a year and six months, including myself.

I think the problem is that I don't know how to be happy for me, how to let myself worry about my own issues before anyone else's problems. I feel like Monday is going to be hellish for me, because even typing this out, I know that when I have a chance to spend a day thinking I will end up breaking down, thinking about not just the recent craziness, but the issues that I've kept away for a long time, like my relationship with my mother, my lack of a father because of an unfair world, my failure at college, my failure to save money ever, and why I have such an issue taking care of myself and my wellness.

So yeah. Need to figure out how to be happy without anyone making me that way. Need to deal with past issues. Really need to do this on Monday, and Friday, because Saturday will not be an appropriate day to do that, as Joycie is getting married and I intend to have a good time.

Day 27: One step closer...

How I feel today

"But we don't need to rush this. Let's just take it slow."

Today was hectic. I don't really know what to think about it. I feel so stupid sometimes, and today I just could not explain anything whatsoever. I'm still having issues with it.

Bedtime I guess. Sorry. Short post.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Day 26: How I feel indeed.

How I feel today

I'm strong but I break
I'm stubborn and I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah I'm hard and life with me is never easy
to figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely......

Someday when we're at the same place
when we're on the same road
when its ok to hold my hand
without feeling lost
without all the excuses
when its just because
you love me
you let me
you need me
then maybe.....

All you have to do is hold me
and you'll know and you'll see
just how sweet it can be
if you trust me
love me
let me....

I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
and I'll probably never have it all figured out
but what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you
and I promise I'll try
I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
every single detail you missed with your eyes...

I don't wanna be tough
and I don't wanna be proud,
but I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved....
I just want to be loved by you
and I won't stop cuz I believe...

I should know better than to touch the fire twice
but I'm thinking
maybe yeah
maybe you might...
love maybe.
I talked to Bastian, a dear friend of mine, today. As much as he is trying neutrality, he doesn't like how I'm handling things, mostly because I am angry at his girl for her part in things. I feel like I'm going to lose him as a friend, and that is extremely unpleasant to me, as he is one of the people who I can talk to about anything and know I will get a reasonable response, not a response that is angry for me, or hlepy. He tells me what I need to know, and the best thing to do. I can talk to him about anything at all, no matter what, and if I lose his friendship, I don't even know what to do. I will be very sad.

In other news, I realized more exactly why I am angry about this whole situation with my husband. It isn't just the fact that the situation is a really sucky situation. It is more along the lines of, I gave him my trust, my heart, my everything, let him change who I was and some of the things I believed whole-heartedly, and having broken all of those things has the gall to stand over me like he's so much better off, with no shrapnel from the explosion he caused, and tell me that I should just get over it.

How do you leave someone completely broken and just expect that since you didn't get hit by any emotional damage that they can easily get over it?

I am working on it though. I will be ok, and things will be better each day. Every time I cry, I get better. Every time, I remember how much better off I will be without him. No more tears, no more pain, no more feeling inadequate or used. I will be my own person, and be so much happier, especially since someone likes me for who I am, baggage and all.


Day 25: I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.

How I feel today

I had a day off, and managed to get through more clothes, even though I still have probably 2 more full trash bags of stuff for Goodwill. I also cried again. It is so hard to try to deal with everything as though nothing is wrong, and while talking to my redwings fan helps immensely, my phone has been off so I haven't been able to talk to him. Being able to talk to him on Facebook is helpful too, and he catches me off guard, saying things on occasion that give me butterflies even though he is so far away.

I am just so terrified and conflicted. I adore him, but I'm still hurt, broken, healing from what my husband has done to me, continues to do, as he still won't file for divorce. He believes that he didn't do a damn thing wrong, and that I am just being a baby about everything, and doing things to piss him off. I just want this to be over, and to be able to function again.

I want to start over, to try things my way for a while. I want to learn who I am, what is important to me, who matters in my life, and how to take care of myself without worrying about how it will affect other people. That last one is the hard one. I already have a good idea on the others, but I have never been good at taking care of myself before everyone else. I feel like that is an important thing for me now, as I am working on my own career, and actually being a grown up with responsibilities. This is such a huge change for me, like everything that has happened in the past 25 days, and I'm kind of confused about it.

Things I need to do ASAP(like before the end of May):
Actually put in the application for the apartment complex.
Get a bed and/or couch, and maybe a tv stand?


Saturday, April 21, 2012

Day 22: Where I backdate like a boss (again)

How I feel today

Today started off pretty awfully actually. I woke up and realized that the last text that I had sent (at 5amish) had never actually sent. I tried again and it still wouldn't work. On a hunch, I tried to call my roommate on my phone. Phone was shut off. So now I can receive messages and calls, but can't send any out. It makes things full of the suck.

Anyway, I worked on clearing out the living room of stuff, realized oh crap it is 1230 and I have to work at 1, so I went and changed, worked on getting stuff ready for the weekend and ended up deciding to just do it after work.

Work went by pretty quickly, apart from the slow time we had towards the end. Sladjena decided that she was SUPER hungry, and since she couldn't leave, and Jaimi had already left work 3 times that day, I went to Little Ceaser's with her card and got pizza and cheesy bread for us. It was SO GOOD!

After work, I rushed home, got all dressed up for Joycie's bachelorette party, and made up stuff for staying the night at James and Donny's place. My redwings fan called me on the way to the party, since I couldn't call him, which cheered me up quite a bit, as I really didn't want to go without hearing from him, and he pretty much started off by saying he needed his ginger fix ^.^

The party was ok. I got to catch up with a few people who I hadn't seen since high school, and then after that I went to my bar of choice (The Underground in Sandusky), listened to the owner's band, ate food and had my drink of choice (Honey Jack) before going and crashing at James and Donny's place. Opal (James's pug) is SO CUTE!!! I just want to snuggle her to death.

All in all, a good day. I got to talk to awesome peoples, catch up with old friends/acquaintances, and in general have a good time.


Day 21: 3 weeks later.

I still hurt. I don't think that will go away for a long time.
I still love the man I married. I just realized that he isn't the same person any more, and I can't change that.
I am feeling a lot better about things. I'm working a job that pays well, with enough hours that I don't have time to get bored, or break down, or anything like that. I'm working on getting an apartment so that I can have a place that is just mine for once. And I think that in the long run I will be much better for this experience. It is just a matter of getting through it.

Of course, it helps having an awesome guy tell me how amazing I am, how stupid he was for leaving, and how much happier I will be once he is gone from my life for good.
It helps having awesome friends who have my back, who also tell me when I'm wrong.
It helps being able to have a job to get back onto my feet, so that I can say when all is said and done that I have bettered myself in this crazy situation.


Friday, April 20, 2012

Day 20: Ignoring all the things because I don't have the time

Today I worked with Matt, and he is a HUGE nerd, with a steel trap of a mind. It was nice to be able to talk to someone in person who is into the same kind of things that I am. We talked about comics, how to file a contract, video game preferences, movies based on books, how to close the day at work, and anime. Brian decided that when I was at work was the opportune time to tell me that I could have half the income taxes, and once he was done with work on the car, he see if he was going to help me out with getting a place.

Really? That's how its going to go?

I excused myself and bummed a smoke from Matt since he could tell something was up. Freaking out is not good at work.

Either way, it was an ok day. I got a sale, did several quotes and Matt was impressed. Pointed out the few things I needed to work on, but was really impressed that I did so well. He told me about how badly he screwed up his first contract and that it was really awesome that I was doing so well.

I got to talk to my redwings fan on break, and came back with a huge grin on my face. I always feel better after talking to him. Our talks are just.... awesome. We have pretty much the best give and take for conversations.

And then I forgot to post this because I was too tired. ::facepalm::

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Day 19: Lost and hurt, but not alone

I'm tired, sore, grouchy and upset. I also have awesome people who love me even when though I'm a weirdo. There is an amazing guy willing to talk to me until its almost morning most nights, and he does so because I'm a good person, amazing and fun to talk to. I have a job that will pay the bills once I start getting paid, and am looking for apartments so that I can get on my own 2 feet for the very first time and live on my own.

What more could a girl want?


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Day 18: Suddenly I brought this on myself?

How I feel today

He had the gall to tell me that I brought him leaving on myself.In his words:

"Your one to talk about responsability are you pam? You shirked basic adult responsability. I didn't try to turn you into a house wife. I didn't make you be a third wheele in what was our home. You refused to be part of anything we did, even things you agreed to do as part of our want to be healthier people. Your action speak for themselves and dictated the kind of person you decided to be in our marrage. I decided to cut anchor before I was dragged down any further than I could swim back from. You don't have to like that, that is fine. Go be angery, but understand you brought it on yourself."

First of all, when he had to have surgery and had to get an amputation of certain parts, I was there for him, drove from Strongsville all the way out to Norwalk, calling off work so that I could be there for him. I drove him to the hospital in the middle of the night when he was having pain in same area when we both had to be into work the next day and he had been drinking with our rooommate. I never claimed to be good at taking care of a house, and I never said I was neat. I am a messy person, and I really don't tend to care about keeping things neat. I haven't changed at ALL since we got married, and last I knew you were supposed to marry someone because you loved them, not because you loved who they could be. I never claimed perfection, only that I would be loyal and loving. I never said I wouldn't get angry, and that it would be easy. Life doesn't work that way.

Second of all, I don't have to spend time with him and our roommate in order to be a good wife. He is supposed to want to spend time with me, more than wanting to spend time with our roommate. So yes, I felt like a third wheel when all of the sudden everything changed and it was always "You should come with me and Kristina to play tennis" (a 2 person sport I'm not into) or "Come on a walk with us" (when I have hardly slept and don't really want to go for a walk) or "Kristina made food. Do you want some?" (when I wasn't hungry). Just because I don't want to spend every waking minute with the 2 of them when they act more like a couple than he ever acted around me.

I just, don't even have the words for how pissed off I am.

If he hasn't filed for divorce by my second paycheck, I will. I don't have the time to bother with him and his BS anymore. For as hurt as I am, I have still managed to struggle back up on my feet, have found myself a career, and am working on getting my own apartment. So I really don't need to be told about how I don't take care of things that need to be taken care of.
::in addition:: In other news, I managed to lose 20 lbs in 2 weeks. I think that I need to start remembering to eat before people legit think I'm anorexic. I just wish I had any sort of appetite. Would probably make remembering to eat easier.

Day 17: Where I crashed hella early

How I feel today (a little different than normal, because Felicia Day is adorable)

So. I worked from 10am to 9pm. Alone. For the first time. In my first week. And everything went fine, apart from the last hour when Murphy's law decided "Oh I totally almost missed our appointment for the day! I'll make it up to you!"

It was just an awful last hour. I had to do a contract, and for whatever reason the computer didn't want to file it, and then the person wanted to leave because she was all in a rush and then I had someone come in who wanted to close their account and get a refund, but the credit card machine was all "Oh I'm just chilling with my buddy Murphy and now I don't remember how to connect to the computer."


Not to mention that while this was working on happening, I had 5 people show up for payments within 5 minutes of each other, all while I was trying to take care of those 2 issues. They left kinda angrily. I was so freaking wiped that I passed out at 1am. That almost never happens. I was in the middle of a conversation with my redwings fan, and just ptfo.

I didn't screw up and chase him away though, so that's something.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Day 16: F M L

How I feel today

Today was rough. I had to finish all of the training videos, as tomorrow I work all by myself all day. I went over all of the different things that I had to do tomorrow and think that I will manage to do them alright.

I thought about my actual feelings today. It hurt, and right now my chest feels like someone shoved a white hot poker through my back straight into my heart. I love who Brian used to be, but, hell, we hadn't really been a couple in months. He treated me awfully, I was not as attentive due to being completely stressed, and he walked away.

A couple years ago, that would have sent me into a downward spiral, where I would take happiness from anyone that I could, and keep it all for myself, leaving them broken and bruised. I'm not that person any more (thank the gods), and in my trying to say as such, I might have chased away someone who was very dear to me.

Feelings suck. They are necessary though, so no matter how hurt I am, I can't just use people to take their happiness. I can't be her again. Jack is away for good reason, and I can't risk myself that way.

I just really care about someone, enough that I might have lost them so they didn't end up with someone as awful as me. And then I remembered how not awful I am, but it might be too late. How do you fix mistakes like that?


Saturday, April 14, 2012

Day 15: The Post I forgot to post

How I feel today

Today was another really really busy day. I went to work, came home, ate random food, talked on the phone for pretty much the rest of the night with someone who amazes me every day. It has been 2 weeks since my husband left me, and probably closer to 2 months since I've been as happy as I am right now.

I have a good job that I enjoy, that I am good at, and I have people who are on my side. I have people who want my happiness and joy to be genuine again, people who manage to pull a smile from me no matter how long I've been crying beforehand. I am incredibly lucky, even in this awful situation.

I will pull out of this fine, if the papers would just get filed and taken care of already. Sheesh. I'm the child, and he can't fill out papers to get the divorce he is so adamant on getting? ::rolls eyes:: Whatever. I don't have time for games like that any more. I am working on being a stronger better me, someone who does everything to the best of her ability, and doesn't give up. I don't just quit on things, but apparently there are some people who see that as a thing that I do.

Eh. Either way. I'm 22, single(I mean, my husband left me. I am pretty sure that is a get out of jail free card(apart from the scars of jail of course)), and in a position that is likely to force me to expand my horizons, which is kind of where I wanted to go anyway.

Here's to a fresh start, on my own terms this time,

Day 14: I can't stay and watch the city burn.

How I feel today

(I'll never forget you-- at least, the parts of you that were important red flags)

Today was an amazing day at work. I was still up at 3am, but I was talking to an awesome person who never fails to bring a smile to my face, which made it ok. Then I slept for a tiny bit before I went to work, and I had my first sale today! And I typed it in myself. It took a bit, but that is to be expected the first time you do something with a computer program older than you are.

My manager tried to make me eat food(which didn't work) because she felt badly because it was lunchtime and I didn't eat on my break. It was pretty amusing, but at the same time I really just am tired and don't feel like eating until 8 at night. Probably bad, and I'm probably going to gain weight again due to that, but oh well. It isn't like I won't eventually lose it again. I just have to figure out a good system. Oh, and I have to freaking get through all the training videos at work with a computer that just doesn't want to work properly.

Tomorrow: Change of address form, look up lawyers for realzies, talk to the leasing manager at the place I found that I might end up trying to get for myself.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Day 13: Too busy to hurt

How I feel today

Today I had my first full, 11 hour day at work. Suffice it to say that I haven't had the time or extra energy to hurt. Not only that, but I have awesome people to talk to in the middle of the night when I'm upset, or when I don't want to think about it. My redwings fan has helped me so much, and makes me immensely happy. I feel like an actual person again, and it has been a while.

So maybe, just maybe, I will survive this without Brian. I will always love who he was at one time, but, as he isn't that person anymore, there is no point mourning the dead man still walking around in his skin.

That's really all there is for tonight. Sorry. Maybe more tomorrow if I'm not so tired.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Day 12: There's that rage...

How I feel today

And it feels like all you'd have to do is step outside
Stop pacing around and waiting for some moment that might never arrive
But you're never gonna find it
When your knees got so weak
And it's right here, in case you need it like when you were young

Brian and I rushed things. Like.... a lot. It doesn't mean that I never loved him. I loved who he was, how he made me feel, who I was when he was around, but that was when we first started dating. That was before he decided that me being a wife meant that I didn't have to be his friend, that I was a lesser person than he was in the relationship, that he was the alpha male, and I was alpha only because I was with him.

However much I love him who he was when we started out, the fact is that he has changed, a lot, and a lot of people don't much like who he has become. He isn't the man I married. He's some boy who needs to grow up and learn how to properly be around humans.

I might not be a grown up, and you know what, I think that at this point, I'm at least ok with myself. I know how to be strong for myself, and I know how to survive without anyone else. I've spent a majority of my life knowing that I can't rely on anyone but me. I figured I would be able to lean on my husband a bit so that I could take a break from all the weight crushing me, but obviously that isn't something that I can do, because he ran out on me. Whatever. I'll be just fine. I always am.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Day 11: 1 year 6 months ago

How I feel today

A year and 6 months ago, my cousin had just gotten married, and I took Brian with me, because I refuse to go to weddings in my family alone, and I wanted to show off my girly side with him so he realized that I am better than anything else he would ever have. He got the point, and we were together.

Eddie and I were together a year and 6 months. He is my only other long relationship, and we broke up because at that point I did not want to get married and be a housewife, and I never intended to marry and be a housewife.

The more I think about it, the more I miss the way things used to be, before he started treating me like I was just supposed to be seen and not heard, and that I was supposed to do everything in the house. I know that I can't be with him again, because he and I are not the kind of people to let go of who we are and what we want, and he wants someone who will be his housewife, when I want to take be with someone who will help me, who will sometimes give me space when I ask for it, who will cuddle me when I sleep, be playful sometimes, talk to me long into the night, care about how my day went. Maybe that is a lot to ask, but it is not that hard to do when you love someone, I think.

Either way, life doesn't ever work out the way you think it will. I'm just taking it day by day, and figuring out who I am, what I will stand for, and what I won't. I can do so much better than settling for someone who loves the idea of being married more than the person to whom they are married.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Day 10: To the biggest mistakes that we just wouldn't trade

How I feel today

So yeah. Today is ok. I start my new job tomorrow, so I will no longer have to keep borrowing money from people. Because that isn't any fun. I'm managing ok today. Had to borrow money from my grandmother, and my mother, and the people I'm living with, and I really hate that, but I will work on getting that back to them (though I'm pretty sure that my mother and grandmother will not accept it back) I feel like tomorrow is going to be really tough, as we would have been together for 1 year and 6 months, and he's colder than he has ever been towards me. Yes, I know, a year and six months isn't that long, but seriously, for everything that happened in that time it was a lot.

Either way, tomorrow I will start my job, have jury duty (cancelled), and work on the boxes more than I have today. I will get through 10 boxes and 2 totes before the end of the day Wednesday. I have decided that is how it will be. Easier to just crank them out than it is to dwell on it, even though I'd rather dwell and get the pain out of my system.

In other news, the past week has reallly opened up my eyes to how much crap I was taking, and how much more I deserve, how much better I could do. I'm not an unattractive person, and people tend to like me, even when I'm having major issues. Special thanks to my redwings fan, who makes me smile when I just want to sob, and gets pissed off on my behalf.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Day 8 and 9: A weekend away

Today I iced cupcakes, did dishes, cleaned the room I was in so I can go into the other room, and as soon as I shower I am going to go and see my favorite people. I'm really hoping this weekend turns out well, and if it doesn't I'm sure you'll hear about it here come Monday. Fingers crossed.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Day 7: Temporary Fallout

How I feel today

He stopped by to drop off information so that I can do our taxes from last year. I was ok, dealt with it in my own way, that meaning I closed myself off so that he couldn't see my pain. He left and it hurt twice as much. Not only that, but I just can't deal with needing to have a plan in order to protect myself. I trusted him. How could he break that trust? He is one of 2 people who I took a chance on(any other person fully earned that trust beforehand) and let see that vulnerable side of me, and both of them took it and spit it at me. The other was Jeremy, and those of you who know me know what that means. Not even J hurt me this much though. I have never felt so much agony over anything before.

It hurts because he feels nothing about what he did, no guilt, no pain, and what he did was WRONG on so many levels. I hurt and everything sucks. I think about him every day, he was one of my dearest friends for so long, and now (well for a while now) he doesn't have that feeling about me. So many different things about the situation kind of make me mad at myself though.

I mean, I put up with so much that I had ALWAYS told myself I would never do. I would never let someone be condescending towards me and tell me that I was wrong all the time. I would NEVER let myself be a 50s housewife. FFS that is why I broke up with Eddie. He treated me horribly, and I loved him, even as he was trying to change me for "the better". I am a decent human, and he wanted to make me into a person who was just like his mom. I'm not that kind of person, and anyone who knows me for 5 minutes knows that, but for him, I was trying. I didn't want to lose him, which is why I tried so hard, and why it hurts so much more when he left me because I didn't try. I just.....don't even know.

Day 6: Today was a little better

How I feel today

I think mostly it was just that I was too busy to break down. I went and got a storage unit, put some stuff in it, got a change of address form, took care of the bank, and went through a bunch of clothes. I fell asleep about 7pm for whatever reason. Not fun. Woke up for dinner and decided I was going to beat things up on Soul Caliber III. I spent the day feeling numb and overwhelmed, but I have a plan, so I think the overwhelmed part is getting better.
Tomorrow I am going to make cookies, maybe some cupcakes too so that I can bring stuff to the benefit thing for Nick and the Underground, going to put at least 5 more boxes into the storage unit, clean the room I've been sleeping in so that I can actually sleep in the room I'm going to be in, put away at least one box of stuff, shower, eat, maybe make a run to goodwill with stuff I don't need. Sometimes numb makes things SO much easier. It is a short term easier though, which is the only reason I don't really want it. I just want to move past the pain and the hurt, and become me again.
I haven't been me in a while now, and going back to that is something I look forward to, now that I think about it. I get to be me AND grow up enough to be self sufficient in more than just my head.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Day 5: Its been almost a week.

Everything hurts. I keep hiding what I feel, trying to make the best of a shitty situation, because, let's face it, no one is going to be able to pull me out of the dark place I want to go. My chest feels like it is trying to remove itself from the rest of me, and all I want to do is scream, cry, yell, hit, kick, bite, rip out my hair.
I want to lose myself in the pain of everything, but I can't because, ironically(since apparently I'm a child(hence why he left)) I need to actually be an adult and do the things that he won't do in order to get this over with. I need to be able to function so that I can get a job, make money, and live my own life.

The pain doesn't stop for that though. I can push it inside, and refuse to let it out, but eventually, I'm going to break again. I don't even know who to trust with it, because the last person I trusted enough to see me broken and battered discarded me because he did not could not get that when I'm like that it isn't me giving up as much as it is me needing someone to understand and comfort me.

Thankfully I've had years and years of practice keeping up facades, because otherwise I would be too much of a wreck to try and piece my life back together. Bad enough that my friends can see through it. My (soon to be ex) husband will never see me hurt again. Another source of pain for me. I trusted him with everything, with my pain, with my past, with my future, and he gave up because he couldn't wouldn't help me through it. He wanted me to be his perfect little 50s wife, and do everything exactly as his family would do it, forgetting that I am not EVER going to be a stereotypical anything.

So instead, he left me with nothing, hoping that it would force me back into living with my family, which I will never do again. I actually want to grow and be free, not be trapped back in my family's hierarchy of b.s. and control.

I am loved by so many people. I am beautiful, inside and out. I try my hardest when I want things to work.

He is selfish, wanting everything to go exactly how he thinks it should. He is cold, never trying to understand how anyone else feels. He pushes other people into molds that he feels they should be in, even if it breaks them, and then wonders why people leave him.

I love him with everything I am, good and bad, because....he's safe and predictable. Safe in that he has a white knight complex like no other. Predictable in that he will always act the same way towards things.

That's not really love is it? It used to have more reason behind it, but where he used to make me smile and feel warm and comfortable, now he only is cold, bitter, angry towards me. He found a chaos that he can't control no matter what, that he can't shape into what he wants it to be, and that is the only reason that I can think of that he would leave.
He didn't even see how hard I would try to do what he wanted me to do, be who he wanted me to be, especially not after we got a roommate who was all of the things that he expected a woman to be, even though she's his best friends girl. Why would he need me around when the things I'm supposed to do according to his guidelines as wife, are being done by someone else? What does love even matter? Why bother to try to keep someone who you claimed that you loved, who you wanted to have children with, who was with you through losing part of your masculinity for good?

Everything hurts, and I just want to let the floodgates loose, let my chest escape from the rest of my body, and give up on the world. I know that people love me, and it probably is the only reason I didn't run into traffic, or take a billion pills, or attempt to drown. As much as I hurt, I couldn't cause that kind of pain to the people who love me, who have been there through my ups and downs, when I hit rock bottom and refused to stop digging. But damn do I wish I could if it would just end this constant pain and feeling of betrayal. I just want to be free.

I had reached a point where I was perfectly happy being single forever, and then he swooped in and took me away to a place where contentment was enough, where safety and inadequacy were better than loneliness and pain, and then less than a year later he drops me farther back where I was, worse even then when JLH left me for someone else. I have never hurt this much about anything. Even when my dad died, I at least got to be completely numb for a while before it really sunk in. God I wish he was still here. I could use a dad right now.

Day 4: My husband left me the day before April Fools Day

And I really can't get over that I wish he would say that it was just a joke.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Day 3: Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

My husband left me. The day before we were supposed to move into a 2 bedroom apartment, he told me that I wasn't welcome in the new apartment. I love him with all of myself. I gave him EVERYTHING, and he left because he doesn't understand why dealing with my past is so very difficult for me. I went into this marriage knowing that there would be rough parts, and he expected that I would just go with what his idea of a marriage is: the husband is the breadwinner, the wife works but also makes sure the house is immaculate at all times. NO ONE is that way their first year of marriage, not unless they are already successful in their careers and also from the 50s era. It is 2012, and marriage takes work from both people. I was trying SO hard, and it was never ever good enough. While I recognize that this is just something that should show me that he isn't right for me, but no matter how hard I think it, my entire body aches and hurts, feeling like I failed as a person, as a wife. I haven't really slept in the past 42 hours, and I've eaten once. I can't sleep, and even thinking of eating makes me feel like I'll just throw it up again. I'm just running on pain right now, and no matter what I do I can't stop thinking about what I could have done better.