Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Don't have much to say but felt bad about being quiet so long

Brian got me sick. I start a new job in 7 days, and I still have to go buy pants and shoes. BLEH

Friday, January 13, 2012

A reflection of the past year (on Friday the 13th bc I can)

So wow. It is 2012 now. That sounds silly. Quite a bit has happened in the past year, and I don't even know where to start.

Well, New Years Eve 2010 I was looking towards 2011 and I cursed it. I didn't know that everything that was looking to make 2011 bad would disappear, and I didn't know I would lose someone who was once a very good friend of mine.

At the beginning of 2011, Brian had decided that he was going to go into the Air Force. For me, it meant that he was going to leave, and I wouldn't count for anything, as that is how the military works. Girlfriends don't matter. It would be years before I would be allowed to be with him, and that made my New Year last year a sad one. Shortly after, we talked over all of the options (over pizza since it is the best food ever), and decided that marriage was the best option, considering that if he left, I would have to follow him because I refused to spend my life without him.

So began the most HECTIC and CRAZY time of my life. I started planning my wedding, something that we originally decided was going to be a small little thing, just a courthouse wedding with an awesome party afterward. And then I told my grandmother that I was engaged and we wanted to get married in July. That..... well it didn't exactly make it so things turned out the way we planned, but things worked out wonderfully anyway.

We lost Billy, and I regret not being able to answer my cousin's call when he said that they were going out because Billy was sick again.

Not long before the wedding, my friends got in a fight, one of the couples in the bridal party broke up, and my mother was doing her normal crazy control stuff and threatening to not be at my wedding. We made it through those alright without too much loss, apart from I had to pick a new maid of honor, and a friend became someone in the list of people I don't trust.

We moved into our apartment, I worked at Circle K until I couldn't stand it anymore and got a job at a telemarketing place, and every day fell more in love with my husband, even when we fight about stupid stuff. Every day I look at him, and I see one more thing that I love about him; how he freaks out when I drive in the snow, how he makes sure that we're both covered through the night (since I steal the covers from him all the time he makes sure there are 2 comforters on the bed), how he looks at me as though I'm the most beautiful person that there ever was.

I see these things each day and smile. I've done pretty well this year. Here is to our first full year of marriage, that it gets even more beautiful each day, and survives every crazy obstacle in the way.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Baby Blues

I haven't blogged in a while. I'm sorry. Things have been crazy. Not that people even really read much. Either way, I've been thinking about lots of things lately. Specifically about babies. I'm kinda scared about the whole idea of that.

Really I guess I should start with where my head is lately. I haven't been feeling well, and when I don't feel good I'm in bed all day thinking. By that I mean I watch a bunch of Netflix and think about where I am in life. Yup. I'm a sap. Sorry guys.

Kids. I don't want them. But at the same time YES I do likerightnowbecauseomgkidsarecool. It is very confusing.

Pros of having kids (ie: reasons having kids wouldn't suck)
~Seriously, kids can make you feel so much better when you're having a shitty day. Sometimes I miss having the kids around all the time.
~Someone who needs me. So it is a stupid stupid STUPID reason to want a kid, but I have realized that I am just the kind of person that needs to be needed. I like it when I can fix things. Kids break things, and mess up A LOT so it would be a constant thing.
~I really want to give it a shot at being a better mother than my mother was to me. I want to know that I can think of the right answers, or at least the funny answers.

Cons of having kids (ie: reasons having kids would suck)
~OH MY GOD. Sometimes kids make shitty days EVEN WORSE! They are needy and never can't do things on their own yet and so they complain ALL THE TIME.
~What if I screw up being a mom? What if I make them even more screwed up than I am?

Diapers. Teenagers. Growing up. Moving out. Making huge mistakes. I'm not ready to handle that kind of thing. I'm still making mistakes. But that's what life is about, isn't it? Now trust me, I'm not going to have a kid anytime soon. I want to wait until we are settled and able to take care of a kid financially, and so does Brian.

So why do I feel like I'm missing something?