Thursday, December 11, 2014

A challenge met(kinda), with unexpected results

A while back, Lenny challenged me to have Eddie stay a weekend with me, so that I could get a tiny feel for how we might work. Of course he intended me to do the same with Lestat, as though Lestat was ever a real option, but that is beside the point. Eddie had a couple days off in a row this week and stayed with me Sunday night until Wednesday morning.

Unexpectedly, it wasn't really something that felt good. Not to say that it felt bad, it just....felt weird in more a bad way than a good way. Coming home and him being there was nice because I got a hug and kiss, but that's about it. I just didn't care that he was there.

Cuddles were nice, but again, somewhat tiresome. He couldn't sleep well because I snore, and I felt bad that he didn't sleep well. He also sleeps normal people hours, which doesn't work so well with me most of the time. He fussed that I slept most of the day and was up all night the night before, though I knew I was going to get the van and work all night.

We sat and watch Netflix when I was home, for the most part. That was ok, because its easy, but also meant we didn't really talk a whole lot. He also let me make all the choices as far as movies/shows and noms.

He came away from his stay feeling the best he had felt in a while. I really didn't think it was anything that special. I mean, yeah, I had someone to cuddle and snuggle, but everything else was things I could do with anyone. Not all that big a deal.

I thought that this would show me how awesome it could be, giving this a chance. Now, I'm remembering the bits of our past relationship that were, and still are, less than ideal:

-He never fights me, ever, on anything. He always just lets me have my way. As a human, I make mistakes, and someone always acting like I don't just annoys me. No, actually, it pisses me the hell off.
-He is more indecisive than I am, which takes some doing as anyone who knows me can attest to.
-He doesn't challenge me to do anything. He is less ambitious than I am, and doesn't want adventure as much as comfort and ease.
-He sees me as his everything when we date. He would rather sit doing nothing than be social and go out and about, together or separate. 

I love him, but loving someone doesn't make them right for you, or you right for them. I don't have the strength to deal with trying to get him kick started into something that is better as far as career and social growth goes.

The issue is, I don't want to hurt him again. I don't think I will ever know what to do with this situation.

Monday, December 1, 2014

That moment when.....

We talked. This blog was something that I (admittedly stupidly) thought was free from his eyes, a sounding board where I could figure out my thoughts without worry of judgement.

He doesn't judge, but he did find it. And talking things out was probably the best thing we could have done.

We talked about why I let Lestat use me, why I'm terrified to try with Eddie, and the reasons we both already ignore the feels for him. Friendship like ours is too important.

Me falling asleep before posting this, probably terrible. But that's what happens. All the time exhausted because of a job that wants me dead.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Being Thankful

This year, I have spent a lot of time just trying to stay afloat. I have been overemployed and overworked, with too many jobs to find time for the people I love.

However, I know that through all the pain this year has caused, I have so much more to be thankful for than years previous, because I have actually managed to keep a place of my own, get a car, and try my hardest to show the people who matter to me that I care. I have lost important people, but become much closer to people I never was before.

I still have the Lady around, which was touch and go for a while, and have let go of a lot of anger that I have been holding onto since I was 18.

This year, I am thankful, because I have found myself through the tough times, and will continue, hopefully, to grow into the person I want to be more as I keep going.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Whatever it is, its just sitting there laughing at me and I just want to scream

What now?

Now, I ignore all of it and just work on being a good friend. I'm not meant to be more than that.

The Door

Yesterday, I came home, and the door was locked, and I wanted to cry, because I knew he was with her again.

I have no right to be upset by that. He isn't mine. But no matter how much my brain says it, my heart protests, having claimed him as its own ages ago.

He's the one person I can talk to about almost anything. He teases and picks and talks things through and consoles. He is there when things are rough and I can't deal, to yell at me until I get my head out of my ass. But I can't talk to him about this. The issue is too personal, hurts too much, and he doesn't want to talk about it any more than I do.

Lestat keeps calling him my boyfriend, not realizing how very cruel he is being. He doesn't want that from me, never has. Even when we were physical, he was never how he is with girls he is interested in. It hurts and I have no idea why. I have no idea why I don't rate higher in his book than friend, but I can't do anything about it.

Today, I came home, and the door was unlocked, and I wanted to cry, because I knew he was still here, waiting for me.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Perfectly Flawed

I always think to myself that I know what I am doing. I tell myself I have it figured out, and know what each step is.

Then he is around, and I can't think straight. I know that the co-dependence we have isn't ok, and I can't help but go with it because I don't want him to not be in my life.

He has been here for almost a week. He started cleaning my apartment, and he makes me food when I am too tired to function. He reminds me of things I am supposed to do to survive and doesn't want anything from me, since he has a chick to bang.

When I can't help but think that I am only ever good enough to bang for a while, he reminds me that I am wanted around, unlike Lestat, who comes around whenever he's hard up for someone to bang, because I'm good and available pretty much whenever, and he doesn't tend to care too much about if it is good for either of us. The boy will be here as long as I want him around, and leave if I say to, unless I have a bad reason for it, because he knows I can't be alone for too long, and he doesn't do too well alone either.

It is a terrible co-dependence, mostly because I have no idea what he gets out of it, apart from dealing with my bullshit all the damn time.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Love and all its complications

Sometimes, I wish I didn't know how to love. I wish that I didn't have such a big heart and didn't care so deeply about so many.

Right now is definitely one of those times.

There is Eddie, that first meant-to-be guy who I ran away from when things got serious. He's back in my life and those feelings didn't go away. He makes me smile and feel safe and happy. He's a romantic heart, the only guy to ever buy me flowers. He doesn't fight with me, and ends up bowing to my will all the time.

There is.....let's call him Lestat. He challenges me, plays with me, fights me. He makes me feel wanted, until he makes me feel scared. He makes me bend to his will sometimes being too forceful, and that lack of control is as outstanding as it is terrifying. He also isn't interested in more than just messing around.

Then there is the guy I can't help but be around. He makes me feel happy and needed and vulnerable without being controlling. He challenges me to think for myself about myself, and pushes me to grow past challenges as soon as they pop up. He lets me cry long enough to release, then talks me through the tears with reminders of my strength and courage and stubbornness. He reminds me that I am the Lady's granddaughter, and can get through anything. He fights with me when I'm being too bullheaded to think things through, and yet still listens to my point of view. He shows he cares one minute, and then the next is off to go see about a girl. He knows it hurts, and pretends not to know. He's the perfect blend of Eddie and Lestat, and for all of that, he is somehow also worse than them, because he doesn't get it by choice.

What do you do when your heart aches for those who don't want you, and feels damn near nothing for those who care with all of themselves? What do you do when you have to watch the guy you care about make terrible choices and pretend not to care?  How do you deal with that? I can't even say anything about it without being told just to let it go. Hell, even when I don't say anything about it I'm told to let it go by other people. He knows and ignores it, the one subject we don't talk about. He helps me when I'm down and makes things easier for me because he refuses to let me mope. Between Lestat and this one, it reminds me of Blood by In This Moment, the dual nature of loving the negatives and hating the positives of people, specifically "I hate you for the sacrifices you make for me....I hate you for never taking control of me. I hate you for always saving me from myself. I hate you for always choosing me and not someone else. I hate you for always pulling me back from the edge. I hate you for every good word you ever said.......
I love the way you dominate and you violate me....I love you for the way you look when you lie to me. I love you for never believing in what I say. I love you for never once giving me my way. I love you for never delivering me from pain. I love you for always driving me insane."  The amount this fits my life right now is just......annoying. I can't even process this anymore.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Strengths and Weaknesses

As far as I know, I am human.

This means that I have many virtues and hubrises to my character.

I tend to be stubborn, which is sometimes good, and sometimes terrible. I consider it a strength more often than not, though at times, I know that my unwillingness to bend has caused a lot more pain in a lot of situations.

A Day in the Life

Currently, I don't have many days that I would consider to be typical. I do a lot of different things.

For the most part, I spend my nights working, and my days are generally spent with my brothers or sleeping. I'm one of those third shift people, those who live in the dark hours out of choice because it means that that accursed sun cannot burn us or annoy us with its cheerful waking.

I have been a night owl for as long as most people can remember. At 5, I was the kind of kid who had multiple flashlights taken away because I would spend the night up reading. Now, I spend fewer nights up all night reading as I do working or playing video games, which I am mildly sad about, but also kind of happy about, because video games help hand-eye coordination, which is why I can type well. It is a very good use of your brain when you have to figure out different kinds of puzzles in the game and all of that. Working all night means that I am making money to support myself, which I am also very fond of doing.

Some days, I hang out with my brother and his roommate, because they are 2 of my best friends, and I don't know what I would do without them. They keep me entertained when I am bored, make sure that I take helpful medicines when I should, and talk it out with me when I don't know what the hell I am doing with my life. I can't even explain how much I owe to those boys.

Some days, I work all night and into the day, and then hang out with other guy friends. Sometimes, I go home and sleep (though that almost never happens). Sometimes I call up a friend to go on a random trip in the middle of the night for Del Taco, or for IHOP. I don't tend to keep a schedule, because for me, life it too short to do the same thing day in and day out. And if I ever get predictable, I tend to make a big change in my life.