Thursday, November 29, 2012

Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

1. Horrific grammar and spelling drive me up the wall, especially when it is from someone who is a manager or otherwise is above me in the social or economical hierarchy. My district manager pretty consistently says irregardless, the reason is because, and he thought that carpe diem, was spelled karpe deim. I just.. It makes my brain hurt.

2. I cannot stand it when someone I do not know touches me. It is very hard for me to not freak out and punch them in the face.

3. I hate it when someone is walking behind me right in my blind spot. I dated someone who thought that was the most hilarious thing in the entire world, and he didn't understand how very bad it freaked me out.

4. Even worse than that, I HATE it when a guy treats me like I am a pretty princess who needs to be coddled and taken care of. Yes, it is nice that you want to hold open the door or any other random thing you would do for anyone out of politeness. However, I do not need you to pull my chair out for me, or walk between me and traffic when we are walking on the sidewalks. I will freak out.

5. On that note, I hate it when guys walk on my right. There is only one guy who has ever been able to do it without bothering me, and I've known him since 4th grade. I know that this is a really weird thing, but I just can't do it.


7. A guy treating you like a princess is bad, but a guy treating you like a slave is even worse.

8. When someone has an awful past, and you have absolutely no way to understand what it is they are going through, you have NO place to tell them to get over it. Also, just because you have had a bad life and got through fine does not mean that everyone is able to, and making them feel badly because of that is wrong.

9. If you don't know the words to a song, do not make up new ones, unless you are weird Al.

10. I hate it when metal appliances are not shiny. If there are water spots, I feel like it is ugly and gross.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Most embarrassing moment

Well I have certainly had a lot of embarrassing moments, but the one that really takes the cake would have to be in 5th grade, when I accidentally flashed my entire class. I do not feel I need to elaborate on that at all.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

From the moment I wake, I plan my escape

Sometimes I forget how very lucky I am in my life.

Yes, I understand that my past has seemed anything but lucky. However, I managed to survive all of those things, and I'm still managing alright.

Things aren't perfect for me. Not even close, but I have some things so much more important than perfection.


And sometimes I don't tell myself this enough, but I'm actually starting to believe that:

I am intelligent.
I am beautiful.
I am needed.

A year ago, I felt disgusting, pointless, and overwhelmed. I was losing my husband day by day, and noticed it, but couldn't bring myself to care. I was scaring the people close to me as my apathy overtook who I am as a friend.

I was close to dead, not in the sense of dying, more in the sense of being stagnant, of not living. When I think about it now, I realize why Brian would freak out. It isn't out of the question to freak out when someone has been laying in the exact same place for a day and a half. It isn't out of the question to worry when someone looks at you with dead eyes, no compassion or caring in them. More often than not, I would be aware of it, and feel trapped, not able to feel or show anything even though I was aware he was scared.

This year, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a family of friends who love and support me, who are proud of everything that I have managed to accomplish in the past year. I have a plan for coming home to be with them more often, and I know that I am able to do anything I put my mind to. I have blood family enough to care, and 2 younger siblings who love me dearly, and 1 who tries, sometimes. I have a place to sleep every night, food enough to get by, and clothes to wear.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how

1.Andrew Groot. My brother. If I had never met this kid, I would be nowhere near the person that I am today. He was my "first kiss" (of course, to anyone else it doesn't count but we find it amusing), and while there are times I want to beat him up for telling the same story verbatim to several different groups and for being smarter than I am, I am beyond proud of him, and glad to have him as family.

2.Jessica Blakely. My sister. Junior year was not a good year for me. That was the closest I ever came to actually killing myself, and if it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't be here. Whether we are around each other as often as we would like or not, I know she will always be in my life.

3.Jeremy Hasenbalg. My biggest mistake. He was the first person to show me that I am beautiful in a way that I could see too. He taught me about importance of passion in life, and showed me exactly who I was at that point in my life. I didn't like who I saw, and so I changed it. I almost ruined the start of his relationship with the woman he's loved for over a decade, and I am so glad that now, several years later, they have become engaged and are still happy and working on doing things they love. He taught me to keep doing what you love, and to be true to who you are, regardless of the situation in which you've found yourself.

4.Ann Poggali. My junior year English teacher. She knew what was going on at home, understood why I wasn't doing well in her class, even though I was smart enough that I should have been ace-ing her class. She pushed me hard, didn't let me give up even when things were at their most bleak. She let me stay after school in her class so that I could do my school work, or so that I could talk. She showed me that there are always solutions to difficult problems, if you're determined enough to find them.

5.Richard Allen Bovee Jr. My dad. Every day, I question what I do, try to see if what I do would make him proud. I still don't always make the best choices, but I do try my hardest, and I think that makes all the difference.

6.Kathy DeHaan-Hunter. My mom. She was always there for a conversation or a laugh as I was growing up, and her kitchen was a safe place to discuss anything that was going on at home that I needed to talk about without worry it would get back to my mother. Now that I'm older, I don't visit nearly as often as I should, but I know that when I do, there will always be a spot around the kitchen island for me, and that if I have something going on that I can't figure out, she will try her best to give me advice, or if she can't do that, she will at least try to provide a laugh. She was one of the first people I went to tell that Brian left me. I was still crying, an emotional disaster, and she understood, hugged me tightly, cried with me and talked with me until I couldn't talk any more, and helped me to laugh a little, even though it hurt. If I had never met my Kathy mom, I would not be the well rounded, beautiful person that I am on the inside, and I probably would have been one of those people who have awful childhoods and that follows them throughout life so that they make bad decisions and end up selling drugs or worse. She has always been my spiritual rock, and while I don't share the exact same beliefs that she does, she has a big impact on how I view my spiritual relationship with life. There are not enough words in the world to describe the love I have for my mom, and how grateful I am to have her in my life.

7. Elaine Skeggs. Another mom/sister. She was the very first person I called when Brian left, still bawling my eyes out, unsure of where I was going and knowing that I needed to talk to someone or I was going to be sitting on the balcony curled in the fetal position screaming and pulling my hair out. She and Mike have been such a help in kicking me out of being a teen into actually trying to be an adult. They helped me get out of my grandmother's house, and when Brian left they let me come back so that I could get back on my feet. She is always there to talk when I need her, and she showed me that you can be assertive and important without always being loud. I'm not really very good at it, but I wouldn't know it was possible without her. She also helped me see how very important communication can be in a relationship of any sort, because a misunderstanding left to simmer eventually becomes a disaster. We managed to learn about ourselves and each other while I was living there, and eventually, I will be able to make it up to them.

8. James Reilly. He was the second person I called after Brian left, and even though he doesn't drive, he managed to find a way to get to me to make sure I wasn't alone. Even before that, he has always been there to help me out when my brain is too screwed up for me to see what is in front of me. He pushes me to think better, to be a better person, and to laugh at myself sometimes. He reminds me that I'm human, and that while yes, I make some stupid mistakes sometimes, I also have the ability to learn from those mistakes.

9. Kelsi Rose. She is one of the most loyal, hard-working, and caring people I know. If I had never met Kelsi, I would not be nearly as close to accepting peoples compliments as I am now, and I would not think of myself as a beautiful person, whether that means physically or personality wise. Because I know her, I push myself that extra bit harder when I just want to lay around feeling sorry for myself, I actually am attempting (albeit poorly) to at least walk the Metroparks once a week so that I can reach my goal weight, and when I get to spend time with my family of friends at home, I know that they spend time with me because they love me as much as I do them. (Okay, so that last one isn't entirely on Kelsi, but she has yelled at me when I feel like I'm not worth the effort enough that she is a major contributor to it).

10. Brian Bell. Ex-husband. If you didn't see it coming you should have. He is the only person who has ever made me consider marriage as a viable thing even, and actually managed to take it a step farther and got me to marry him. A lot of the changing that I have done in the past 3 years have been due to his influence in my life, so I do owe a lot to him. He swept me off of my feet, made me believe in love again. He reminded me that life sometimes is all about fun and games, but that sometimes you need to do the things you don't want to do. He showed me how to smile again, even though he couldn't find me when I was drowning in doubt and pity. He taught me that I am worthy of being loved, but that the person to love me has to be just as strong as I am, and that I need to be much better at being an adult before I try to be in a stable relationship.

Friday, September 14, 2012

What are 5 passions you have?

The Passions in my life:

1. I am very passionate about my family of friends mental stability. I tend to be the mom of our group, which works out I guess because there is nothing scarier than a mama bear protecting her cubs, which is how I'm told I am with my friends.

2. I love my baby brother more than anything in my life. I would do anything for him, and anyone who hurts him will be seeing me soon thereafter.

3. My music. I don't do it nearly as often as I want to any more, and I really want to get back into it, because I know my vocal cords are slowly getting worse from mistreatment and disuse.

4. My writing. Again, another thing that I have let slip by the wayside because life got in the way. I work 44 hours a week, at a job that mentally drains me with the amount of people who are worthless in the world. You would think that it would inspire me to do better, but instead I find myself wanting to help get them out of their rut if they aren't already too far trapped.

5. My painting, well.... art in general really. Uggg the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have turned away from a good portion of the things I am passionate about in the past few years since college. In college, I was singing, I was painting, I was writing, I wasn't sleeping, but I was happy and I was doing what I loved. I feel like I need to get back to that. Maybe I will start a third shift job for extra cash, and start saving up to go back.

Dream Job

If I could have any job, I would love to be a writer. Not a journalist, but someone who writes novels for a living. I would love to be able to sit and write all the time. Unfortunately I know that isn't fiscally responsible, and I need to work on my confidence quite a bit more before I even send anything anywhere to be looked at, but still. It is a passion that I have been straying from as my day job exhausts my spirit more often than not.

I've wanted to write almost as long as I've wanted to be a singer. Go figure: my 2 dream jobs are jobs that I would need to open myself up to the world and work on my confidence for. I never noticed that before. Huh. Learn something new every day.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Hardest thing I have ever experienced

My father's death has shaped me in a lot of ways, and was one of the hardest things I have ever been forced to experience, but the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with was my husband leaving me.
I've always had a problem trusting people. So when I actually trusted someone enough to show my entire self to them on a daily basis, the fact that he just dropped me like I was unimportant because he couldn't deal with me being me was the worst thing I have ever had to deal with. I'm better about it now, because I'm not depressed like I have been since October. That's all I want to say about this really. If you want to know more, read past posts on here. You'll understand.

Monday, July 2, 2012

5 things that make me most happy right now

1. My friends- They love me, help me, challenge me, and watch out for me.
2. My Drew- Every second I get to spend time with him thrills me, even as I dread the time he must leave.
3. My apartment- I have a place that is mine. I don't have to let anyone in I don't want to, and as long as I pay the rent, no one can tell me I'm not to be there.
4. My couch- It is mine, and NO ONE can take it from me.
5. My creativity- I can make any moment interesting, and see the world in a way that many people don't. It makes life interesting.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

Minor note before I get into this one. Mostly to self. I am going to rename these once I'm done with them.

1. Spend as much time making good memories with your brothers and sister as possible. Yes, they do stupid things, and irritate you sometimes, but they are also the only people who will love you their entire lives.

2. Hang out with Billy more. Youth fades, and sometimes we lose people way too soon.

3. Try to get your ADD under control. School is easy now, but come college, if you don't have it under control, you'll screw it up, and flunk out.

4. Ignore mother dearest when she's pushing buttons. Next year will be hell if you don't.

5. You will always have him as your friend. Quit trying to make it more.

6. That little kid is one of the best people in your life, and you will love him more each day, even when he irritates you.

7. In a few years, you won't talk to a lot of the people who cause you drama on a daily basis. Make your memories while you can, and enjoy being a teen.

8. Don't ever get married, no matter how good an idea it seems at the time or how much sense it makes. You're too awesome for one person to have you forever.

9. Life really does get better. Sure, there are times that it will suck worse (Senior year is really gonna suck babe), but in the end, you'll be free and stable and able to take care of yourself.

10. Never let anyone make you feel like you aren't worth their time. You are beautiful inside and out, kind, courageous, unpredictable, intelligent, and, most importantly, strong. You're worth so much more than you think you are.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Describe your relationship with your parents

My dad is dead. My mother and I....well our relationship is a bit more complicated.

My mother and I have never really been close. We are so similar that we manage to push each others buttons. She spent the majority of my childhood using me to some purpose, whether it was against my father before he passed away, or having me take care of the kids so she could do whatever it was she wanted after she got off work. Any money I had from the jobs I had went into my bank account, which only she had access to, and which, before I turned 18, she took the money from. Now that I'm older, and working on being all on my own, I really am trying not to ask her for help, but when I have to, I don't feel badly about it. I feel 18 years is a lot to make up for, and there is nothing wrong with asking for help when I need it, especially with what she owes me. However, I also understand that she doesn't see it that way, so I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It isn't a healthy relationship, not even a little, but I still get to see my siblings, and that makes everything worth it, because I wouldn't trade my baby brother for anything. I have never loved anyone as much as I love that little boy, and until I(if I ever do) have my own child I don't think I will ever love anyone as much as I love him.

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

So I'm really not good at talking about things that matter to me. I can text about them, I can write on here about them all night long, but when it comes to looking at someone, or even over the phone, and telling them what is going on with my head about important things, I freeze up. I'm always scared that people are going to judge me harshly for having things that matter, or worse, that they will try to ruin the important things I want or have. I grew up in a family where that was common practice, therefore making it a legitimate fear, and now, knowing people who are, as a general rule, good people, it isn't as legit, but I have to keep myself safe.

I am terrified to show people who I am, the person behind the smiles, the jokes, the laughter and fake confidence. Under that, I'm just as scared and confused as anyone else, but I have been hurt so many times by people who were supposed to care and who convinced me that they cared, I tend to take what people tell me with a grain of salt most times. I know that I should trust better, and that I should try to show myself more to the people I care about, but it is really hard when even the man I married ended up throwing my actual self in my face like it was a terrible thing, when my family has always been the kind of family that uses trust against you, and guilts you into having less than you need or deserve. I am trying to get better at trusting, and it helps because I'm pretty sure that there is no way that Drew intends to hurt me in that way, but there is still that little voice in the back of my head, telling me that there is no possible way for me to know that. I'm so scared all the time, and I can't really explain it.

I'm actually really very scared of needles. Well, not the needle itself, or even really ..... ok. Let me change that. I'm scared of anything that punctures skin where it isn't meant to be punctured. I have no problem with earrings, or piercings in general, because they are meant to be that way by the person who gets them, but when something goes underneath the skin that isn't meant to, like when a needle inserts a vein and you can see it move just under the skin, THAT freaks me the hell out. Doesn't stop me from donating blood, but as long as I don't look at my arm I'm fine in those instances. I was sick a lot when I was living with my mother, and one of the times I went to have bloodwork done, the nurse who did my blood work could not find my vein, and dug around for a good 20 minutes. I had a HUGE bruise on my arm, and since cannot look at a needle in my skin, and the thought of something being inserted in skin where it ought not to be freaks me the hell out. Bleh

Monday, June 25, 2012

List 20 random facts about yourself

1. I was born in Elyria. It took 21 years, and then I lived there for a year. I think I might move back in another 21 years, just to make a pattern.

2. I'm pretty much just addicted to playing Solitaire Blitz and Fallen London. I blame Facebook and Felicia Day.

3. Whenever I read "IT" by Stephen King, the song "Float On" by Modest Mouse gets stuck in my head.

4. My friends are 1. insane and b. the most amazing friends that a person could ever hope to get. I seriously thank the gods for them on almost a daily basis.

5. When I can't sleep, I put on Rock so that I can sleep, because classical music doesn't work.

6. From October of 2011 until very recently, there were very few days where I didn't feel like my dying would not matter even a little. I was extremely depressed, and honestly wouldn't have been able to get by if it weren't for the people who love me.

7. Halestorm is my current favorite band. Her voice is amazing, and the songs make me full of happy.

8. I am the party mom at the parties I go to. Someone has to make sure the people I love are safe all night, and I like watching them drunk anyway.


10. My favorite dessert food to make is brownies. I make AWESOME brownies.

11. Every day, I try to think of one good thing about myself. It doesn't always work, but I always try.

12. I love a lot of people, in a lot of different ways.

13. I don't like watching sports if I'm not right there in the stadium/arena. I like having the whole experience if I'm watching, not just the portion that television thinks is important.

14. I want to do something more with my life than I have. If I could make my art my life I would love it, but I can't do that at this point.

15. For the first time in my life, I am moving into my own apartment, where it will be my space and no one can tell me what to do with it. I'm kind of terrified about this even though I'm ecstatic.

16. As much as I hate Brian for what he did to me, I miss being able to talk to him without it being awkward. He knows more about me than anyone in the world, and the fact that he could use any of it against me terrifies me.

17. Sometimes when I'm having a bad day, I need Spice Girls to cheer me up, because there is nothing NOT ridiculous about listening to Spice Girls.

18. I talk to Drew more than I have ever talked to a significant other, and due to this he knows a lot more than most people who have only known me for 3 months. It is kind of scary, but I feel I'm getting better at trusting, and determining who deserves trust.

19. I like almost every kind of music. There are some things I can't stand (mainly newer rap) but I will listen to anything once.

20. I really miss singing, soccer, painting and swimming. I just feel so trapped in my life right now with not being able to get those things done.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

One way ticket on a runaway train

So I have really missed writing, but I am always so busy with work, trying to get my apartment stuff figured out, and not going crazy.... so I'm going to cheat. I'm going to take the following list, and every day answer one of the questions. I encourage those of you reading to do the same, just because I would like to know lots of things about the people I love.


1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

Tune in tomorrow for number 1! <3 you all


Tuesday, May 22, 2012


"To hang on.
To being strong.
To admit when you've done wrong even when you meant well.
To happiness attached to a fishing line.
To hope when the lights flicker. Grows darker.
To waking up all alone.
To missing the little things that meant everything.
To say good bye when your heart is not ready.
To those little special moments you wish you could capture in a glass bottle.
To hate your enemies so much to the point where you simply forgive them.
To those who love you.
To those who will always love you.
To those who once loved you.

To me.
You are everything that is beauty and mystery.
Say yes.


My Drew wrote this because I inspire him. He takes my breath away. I just wish he was closer so I could spend actual time with him.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.

He loves me.

He loves me.

He loves me.

No matter how I put it, it is hard to wrap my head around it. With everything I'm going through, even though things are really screwed up and I'm someone else's according to law, even though he's a state away, even though we haven't technically met even, my redwings fan loves me.

<3 Not even the incredibly awful day I had at work could take away from that. Our new district manager pretty much just sat in on our day today watching how we did things and then bitched at Jaimi about how he feels that I shouldn't be left alone at the store just yet, even though I have done just fine on my own even being thrown into being alone my 4th day on the job. Jaimi had my back, but still. What a dick. I also had a customer offer me money to type up his church hymnal because he saw that I type quickly. So... YAY!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Day 45: Day 1 of the rest of my life.

To Brian

We had something awesome for a while. If you had given it a chance, it really could have been something amazing, but given that you've thrown it out, I plan to live my life for myself now, and do anything by myself. I hope you have an interesting life from this point on.

To Me

I have had an interesting life. There is no instance where my life could be considered boring, which is why I'm pretty sure that I don't do crazy things or have crazy stories all the time with my friends. I have had a horrid past, and every time something starts to go boring, something else crazy happens.

I don't really regret this. I would have preferred to NOT have had a childhood where I wanted to be dead more often than not, but given the hand I was dealt, I think I did amazingly at still managing to come out even, possibly even with a couple more chips, and the phone number of the nearest guy (probably took that poker analogy too far, but whateves. I regret nothing).

I saw Brian this weekend, and while it was kind of awkward because his parents were also there, I didn't feel sad, or really even angry any more. I pitied him, that he was back exactly where he had been before I showed up: still not taking care of himself, still doing his laundry at his parents house, going back to being on their phone plan because he couldn't afford it on his own.
I haven't exactly been the picture of taking care of myself, to be fair, but I have been on my own for that kind of thing for a while now, and I'm starting off new again, with less than what I had before. I'm doing well. I'm trying my hardest to not lean on anyone too much, and am actually doing wonderfully on my own.

To Drew

The long wait will be worth it in the long run.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Day 44: A poem I forgot to post.

I found you05/07/12
In my darkest month,
my misery nearly consuming me,
you were the light that showed me
that things will be better
if I just keep moving

When I felt like crying,
you let me vent to you,
showed me that you care

When I was hurt and alone,
you came and showed me
that just because he left
didn't mean that no one wanted me,
didn't mean that no one would care.

Even as I started rebuilding my wall,
my facade of everything being okay,
I found myself creating a doorway,
not well seen,
hidden to most,
so that in case you wanted to know more,
you could get through.

Every night, before I go to sleep,
I talk to you and smile,
because I know,
even though I shouldn't at this point,
that you won't hurt me,
that you won't trample my heart

And every night I sleep,
knowing it means
one day closer
to being in your arms,
in your heart,
in your soul.

Nothing more tonight. I have updates, since I haven't been posting lately (really busy) but I also have only slept 2 hours in the past 24, and I work alone all day tomorrow. I'll update everything later.


P.S. How I feel about you

Friday, May 4, 2012

Day 34: Dealing in my own way.

How I feel today

I have been really busy, so sorry about not posting anything in a bit. I managed to get an apartment, have started paying for a couch so that I will have a comfy place to sit in said apartment while playing video games, and am working on getting all the other random things for an apartment. I don't move until July, so that is something I am excited for, but that I also have time to get ready for.

Yesterday at work, I broke down and cried twice because everything hit me. I don't really know if I was crying because I was upset or because I was angry, but it really sucked. I was so tired of not being able to get in touch with him when I just want to get everything done and over with. I'm so tired of dealing with everything.

Today was super busy at work, and just in general an awful day. To top it off, I was almost home and Wish You Were Here came on the radio, so yeah more crying. I miss my dad, and being in this situation really makes me feel like I could use his input, as he was there.
I turned the phones back on tonight, and after a week of trying to get in touch with him on Facebook, which he is on daily, he got back to me within 20 minutes of the phones being turned back on to complain that I turned the phones back on with the money from the tax return. Sometimes I can't stand him. The phones were in both of our names, so half is still his responsibility. He also has decided that until the divorce is through, he isn't going to transfer the car into my name. It concerns me because as long as the car is in his name he could decide to be spiteful and take it, and I need it or I can't work, which isn't an option. Either way, it was an awful way to end the day, and I had been talking to Drew, which was making my day slightly better, before I had to deal with him, and then I tried to call him back and he isn't answering his phone, so I'm worried because I know he was driving when I was talking to him and I worry about everything.

All in all, I am glad I have tomorrow off. I will manage to get adult stuff done, deal with stuff I don't want to deal with, buy a present for Joyce's wedding, and then Saturday will just be a good day. I am so excited for that. I get to go to Joyce's wedding, the grand reopening party for the Underground, and see people who I adore.

Tomorrow will be better than today and yesterday.


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Day 31: A month gone by.

"And the world will fall away with indifference to lead us all astray. You can't catch me now. I've run too far to see you, and the stars, the stars will catch me."

How I felt this weekend

How I feel today

Today I finally broke down. It took a lot to realize why I was even breaking down.

He doesn't love me.
He never loved me.
He wanted me to be something different than what I was am.

I am worthy of being loved, even though I'm not perfect.
I got married because I loved who he was as my friend, figuring that he would stay my friend, and care about me otherwise.
I was mistaken. I gave my everything, and it was treated like trash, even though it was the biggest and best treasure that I could ever possibly give. I will never get all of that back, but I can rebuild, try and find who I am without someone who doesn't care about me, and just relish in the facts:

1. I have a lot of people who love me, who care about what I think and feel, who see me for who I am as well as where I'm going, and have faith that even when I make mistakes and bad choices, I will turn out ok.

2. My love is valuable to a lot of people. There are people who would have given any thing to have what he threw out. If he ever realizes exactly what he has given up thrown out, I hope that he hurts half as much as I hurt when he left, because that will still be more than he is capable of dealing with. When he realizes just how amazing I am, and that he'll never find someone who will love him as much as I did, I hope he knows better than to try to earn my forgiveness. I'm way past that. He ruined a beautiful life because he wasn't ready for it, when it was what he thought he wanted in the first place. He hurt an amazing person who deserved so much better than what he was willing to give, because he wasn't willing to give anything.

3. I wasn't perfect. I am not an easy person to live with. I cling to the past pretty often, and while, yes, it is unreasonable to spring that on someone who is expecting easy sailing, he should have known what he was getting into. He knew everything about me before I ever started dating him. His expectation that I would just get over my past because I got married was unreasonable, and unkind. I never expected him to change into anything different than what he was, so the fact that he wanted me to be someone else was unfair and unreasonable.

4. I am sometimes childish. Who isn't? But when it comes to important things, I buckle down and get things done if it is what I want. He, on the other hand, is being nothing but unhelpful when it comes to the divorce and getting out of this marriage, which is what he so claims to want. I'm trying to get in touch with him so that I can get things set up, and he won't respond to anything. The bills that he was supposed to help with when I was out of a job for a month, are still behind and unpaid because he won't accept any sort of responsibility for them.

5. I can do anything I put my mind to. Even starting over with nothing, no, less than nothing, I am still going to manage to come out of this all ok. I will be so much happier and in such a better place than I was in when he left, because I had been working for several months to find a job that uses my skills and that I can enjoy. I found one that can and probably will lead to a career, which is such a huge step for me! I'm so excited about that.

Step 1: Find a place to call my own, and find a way to separate myself from him without having to wait for him to do it.
Step 2: ??????
Step 3: Profit as a person.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Day 28: Discovering me?

How I feel today

It is scary to have reached a point where I'm not quite sure what is facade and what is me anymore. Right now it seems like I'm always just covering up my pain and hurt because I can't deal with it, let alone try to let other people see it. I just.... feel really weird because I don't know how to turn that off. I don't want to deal with everything, and it is like I can't take off the security blanket of safeness. That is a redundant statement kind of but I don't care. I don't know who I am again, and that is just a really odd feeling, when I know that I had figured out who I was and what I stood for and believed in before Brian and I started dating. I have to re-evaluate what it means to be Pam, working on getting divorced, trying to understand what the hell is wrong with me that I can't keep anyone happy longer than a year and six months, including myself.

I think the problem is that I don't know how to be happy for me, how to let myself worry about my own issues before anyone else's problems. I feel like Monday is going to be hellish for me, because even typing this out, I know that when I have a chance to spend a day thinking I will end up breaking down, thinking about not just the recent craziness, but the issues that I've kept away for a long time, like my relationship with my mother, my lack of a father because of an unfair world, my failure at college, my failure to save money ever, and why I have such an issue taking care of myself and my wellness.

So yeah. Need to figure out how to be happy without anyone making me that way. Need to deal with past issues. Really need to do this on Monday, and Friday, because Saturday will not be an appropriate day to do that, as Joycie is getting married and I intend to have a good time.

Day 27: One step closer...

How I feel today

"But we don't need to rush this. Let's just take it slow."

Today was hectic. I don't really know what to think about it. I feel so stupid sometimes, and today I just could not explain anything whatsoever. I'm still having issues with it.

Bedtime I guess. Sorry. Short post.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Day 26: How I feel indeed.

How I feel today

I'm strong but I break
I'm stubborn and I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah I'm hard and life with me is never easy
to figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely......

Someday when we're at the same place
when we're on the same road
when its ok to hold my hand
without feeling lost
without all the excuses
when its just because
you love me
you let me
you need me
then maybe.....

All you have to do is hold me
and you'll know and you'll see
just how sweet it can be
if you trust me
love me
let me....

I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
and I'll probably never have it all figured out
but what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you
and I promise I'll try
I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
every single detail you missed with your eyes...

I don't wanna be tough
and I don't wanna be proud,
but I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved....
I just want to be loved by you
and I won't stop cuz I believe...

I should know better than to touch the fire twice
but I'm thinking
maybe yeah
maybe you might...
love maybe.
I talked to Bastian, a dear friend of mine, today. As much as he is trying neutrality, he doesn't like how I'm handling things, mostly because I am angry at his girl for her part in things. I feel like I'm going to lose him as a friend, and that is extremely unpleasant to me, as he is one of the people who I can talk to about anything and know I will get a reasonable response, not a response that is angry for me, or hlepy. He tells me what I need to know, and the best thing to do. I can talk to him about anything at all, no matter what, and if I lose his friendship, I don't even know what to do. I will be very sad.

In other news, I realized more exactly why I am angry about this whole situation with my husband. It isn't just the fact that the situation is a really sucky situation. It is more along the lines of, I gave him my trust, my heart, my everything, let him change who I was and some of the things I believed whole-heartedly, and having broken all of those things has the gall to stand over me like he's so much better off, with no shrapnel from the explosion he caused, and tell me that I should just get over it.

How do you leave someone completely broken and just expect that since you didn't get hit by any emotional damage that they can easily get over it?

I am working on it though. I will be ok, and things will be better each day. Every time I cry, I get better. Every time, I remember how much better off I will be without him. No more tears, no more pain, no more feeling inadequate or used. I will be my own person, and be so much happier, especially since someone likes me for who I am, baggage and all.


Day 25: I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.

How I feel today

I had a day off, and managed to get through more clothes, even though I still have probably 2 more full trash bags of stuff for Goodwill. I also cried again. It is so hard to try to deal with everything as though nothing is wrong, and while talking to my redwings fan helps immensely, my phone has been off so I haven't been able to talk to him. Being able to talk to him on Facebook is helpful too, and he catches me off guard, saying things on occasion that give me butterflies even though he is so far away.

I am just so terrified and conflicted. I adore him, but I'm still hurt, broken, healing from what my husband has done to me, continues to do, as he still won't file for divorce. He believes that he didn't do a damn thing wrong, and that I am just being a baby about everything, and doing things to piss him off. I just want this to be over, and to be able to function again.

I want to start over, to try things my way for a while. I want to learn who I am, what is important to me, who matters in my life, and how to take care of myself without worrying about how it will affect other people. That last one is the hard one. I already have a good idea on the others, but I have never been good at taking care of myself before everyone else. I feel like that is an important thing for me now, as I am working on my own career, and actually being a grown up with responsibilities. This is such a huge change for me, like everything that has happened in the past 25 days, and I'm kind of confused about it.

Things I need to do ASAP(like before the end of May):
Actually put in the application for the apartment complex.
Get a bed and/or couch, and maybe a tv stand?


Saturday, April 21, 2012

Day 22: Where I backdate like a boss (again)

How I feel today

Today started off pretty awfully actually. I woke up and realized that the last text that I had sent (at 5amish) had never actually sent. I tried again and it still wouldn't work. On a hunch, I tried to call my roommate on my phone. Phone was shut off. So now I can receive messages and calls, but can't send any out. It makes things full of the suck.

Anyway, I worked on clearing out the living room of stuff, realized oh crap it is 1230 and I have to work at 1, so I went and changed, worked on getting stuff ready for the weekend and ended up deciding to just do it after work.

Work went by pretty quickly, apart from the slow time we had towards the end. Sladjena decided that she was SUPER hungry, and since she couldn't leave, and Jaimi had already left work 3 times that day, I went to Little Ceaser's with her card and got pizza and cheesy bread for us. It was SO GOOD!

After work, I rushed home, got all dressed up for Joycie's bachelorette party, and made up stuff for staying the night at James and Donny's place. My redwings fan called me on the way to the party, since I couldn't call him, which cheered me up quite a bit, as I really didn't want to go without hearing from him, and he pretty much started off by saying he needed his ginger fix ^.^

The party was ok. I got to catch up with a few people who I hadn't seen since high school, and then after that I went to my bar of choice (The Underground in Sandusky), listened to the owner's band, ate food and had my drink of choice (Honey Jack) before going and crashing at James and Donny's place. Opal (James's pug) is SO CUTE!!! I just want to snuggle her to death.

All in all, a good day. I got to talk to awesome peoples, catch up with old friends/acquaintances, and in general have a good time.


Day 21: 3 weeks later.

I still hurt. I don't think that will go away for a long time.
I still love the man I married. I just realized that he isn't the same person any more, and I can't change that.
I am feeling a lot better about things. I'm working a job that pays well, with enough hours that I don't have time to get bored, or break down, or anything like that. I'm working on getting an apartment so that I can have a place that is just mine for once. And I think that in the long run I will be much better for this experience. It is just a matter of getting through it.

Of course, it helps having an awesome guy tell me how amazing I am, how stupid he was for leaving, and how much happier I will be once he is gone from my life for good.
It helps having awesome friends who have my back, who also tell me when I'm wrong.
It helps being able to have a job to get back onto my feet, so that I can say when all is said and done that I have bettered myself in this crazy situation.


Friday, April 20, 2012

Day 20: Ignoring all the things because I don't have the time

Today I worked with Matt, and he is a HUGE nerd, with a steel trap of a mind. It was nice to be able to talk to someone in person who is into the same kind of things that I am. We talked about comics, how to file a contract, video game preferences, movies based on books, how to close the day at work, and anime. Brian decided that when I was at work was the opportune time to tell me that I could have half the income taxes, and once he was done with work on the car, he see if he was going to help me out with getting a place.

Really? That's how its going to go?

I excused myself and bummed a smoke from Matt since he could tell something was up. Freaking out is not good at work.

Either way, it was an ok day. I got a sale, did several quotes and Matt was impressed. Pointed out the few things I needed to work on, but was really impressed that I did so well. He told me about how badly he screwed up his first contract and that it was really awesome that I was doing so well.

I got to talk to my redwings fan on break, and came back with a huge grin on my face. I always feel better after talking to him. Our talks are just.... awesome. We have pretty much the best give and take for conversations.

And then I forgot to post this because I was too tired. ::facepalm::

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Day 19: Lost and hurt, but not alone

I'm tired, sore, grouchy and upset. I also have awesome people who love me even when though I'm a weirdo. There is an amazing guy willing to talk to me until its almost morning most nights, and he does so because I'm a good person, amazing and fun to talk to. I have a job that will pay the bills once I start getting paid, and am looking for apartments so that I can get on my own 2 feet for the very first time and live on my own.

What more could a girl want?


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Day 18: Suddenly I brought this on myself?

How I feel today

He had the gall to tell me that I brought him leaving on myself.In his words:

"Your one to talk about responsability are you pam? You shirked basic adult responsability. I didn't try to turn you into a house wife. I didn't make you be a third wheele in what was our home. You refused to be part of anything we did, even things you agreed to do as part of our want to be healthier people. Your action speak for themselves and dictated the kind of person you decided to be in our marrage. I decided to cut anchor before I was dragged down any further than I could swim back from. You don't have to like that, that is fine. Go be angery, but understand you brought it on yourself."

First of all, when he had to have surgery and had to get an amputation of certain parts, I was there for him, drove from Strongsville all the way out to Norwalk, calling off work so that I could be there for him. I drove him to the hospital in the middle of the night when he was having pain in same area when we both had to be into work the next day and he had been drinking with our rooommate. I never claimed to be good at taking care of a house, and I never said I was neat. I am a messy person, and I really don't tend to care about keeping things neat. I haven't changed at ALL since we got married, and last I knew you were supposed to marry someone because you loved them, not because you loved who they could be. I never claimed perfection, only that I would be loyal and loving. I never said I wouldn't get angry, and that it would be easy. Life doesn't work that way.

Second of all, I don't have to spend time with him and our roommate in order to be a good wife. He is supposed to want to spend time with me, more than wanting to spend time with our roommate. So yes, I felt like a third wheel when all of the sudden everything changed and it was always "You should come with me and Kristina to play tennis" (a 2 person sport I'm not into) or "Come on a walk with us" (when I have hardly slept and don't really want to go for a walk) or "Kristina made food. Do you want some?" (when I wasn't hungry). Just because I don't want to spend every waking minute with the 2 of them when they act more like a couple than he ever acted around me.

I just, don't even have the words for how pissed off I am.

If he hasn't filed for divorce by my second paycheck, I will. I don't have the time to bother with him and his BS anymore. For as hurt as I am, I have still managed to struggle back up on my feet, have found myself a career, and am working on getting my own apartment. So I really don't need to be told about how I don't take care of things that need to be taken care of.
::in addition:: In other news, I managed to lose 20 lbs in 2 weeks. I think that I need to start remembering to eat before people legit think I'm anorexic. I just wish I had any sort of appetite. Would probably make remembering to eat easier.

Day 17: Where I crashed hella early

How I feel today (a little different than normal, because Felicia Day is adorable)

So. I worked from 10am to 9pm. Alone. For the first time. In my first week. And everything went fine, apart from the last hour when Murphy's law decided "Oh I totally almost missed our appointment for the day! I'll make it up to you!"

It was just an awful last hour. I had to do a contract, and for whatever reason the computer didn't want to file it, and then the person wanted to leave because she was all in a rush and then I had someone come in who wanted to close their account and get a refund, but the credit card machine was all "Oh I'm just chilling with my buddy Murphy and now I don't remember how to connect to the computer."


Not to mention that while this was working on happening, I had 5 people show up for payments within 5 minutes of each other, all while I was trying to take care of those 2 issues. They left kinda angrily. I was so freaking wiped that I passed out at 1am. That almost never happens. I was in the middle of a conversation with my redwings fan, and just ptfo.

I didn't screw up and chase him away though, so that's something.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Day 16: F M L

How I feel today

Today was rough. I had to finish all of the training videos, as tomorrow I work all by myself all day. I went over all of the different things that I had to do tomorrow and think that I will manage to do them alright.

I thought about my actual feelings today. It hurt, and right now my chest feels like someone shoved a white hot poker through my back straight into my heart. I love who Brian used to be, but, hell, we hadn't really been a couple in months. He treated me awfully, I was not as attentive due to being completely stressed, and he walked away.

A couple years ago, that would have sent me into a downward spiral, where I would take happiness from anyone that I could, and keep it all for myself, leaving them broken and bruised. I'm not that person any more (thank the gods), and in my trying to say as such, I might have chased away someone who was very dear to me.

Feelings suck. They are necessary though, so no matter how hurt I am, I can't just use people to take their happiness. I can't be her again. Jack is away for good reason, and I can't risk myself that way.

I just really care about someone, enough that I might have lost them so they didn't end up with someone as awful as me. And then I remembered how not awful I am, but it might be too late. How do you fix mistakes like that?


Saturday, April 14, 2012

Day 15: The Post I forgot to post

How I feel today

Today was another really really busy day. I went to work, came home, ate random food, talked on the phone for pretty much the rest of the night with someone who amazes me every day. It has been 2 weeks since my husband left me, and probably closer to 2 months since I've been as happy as I am right now.

I have a good job that I enjoy, that I am good at, and I have people who are on my side. I have people who want my happiness and joy to be genuine again, people who manage to pull a smile from me no matter how long I've been crying beforehand. I am incredibly lucky, even in this awful situation.

I will pull out of this fine, if the papers would just get filed and taken care of already. Sheesh. I'm the child, and he can't fill out papers to get the divorce he is so adamant on getting? ::rolls eyes:: Whatever. I don't have time for games like that any more. I am working on being a stronger better me, someone who does everything to the best of her ability, and doesn't give up. I don't just quit on things, but apparently there are some people who see that as a thing that I do.

Eh. Either way. I'm 22, single(I mean, my husband left me. I am pretty sure that is a get out of jail free card(apart from the scars of jail of course)), and in a position that is likely to force me to expand my horizons, which is kind of where I wanted to go anyway.

Here's to a fresh start, on my own terms this time,

Day 14: I can't stay and watch the city burn.

How I feel today

(I'll never forget you-- at least, the parts of you that were important red flags)

Today was an amazing day at work. I was still up at 3am, but I was talking to an awesome person who never fails to bring a smile to my face, which made it ok. Then I slept for a tiny bit before I went to work, and I had my first sale today! And I typed it in myself. It took a bit, but that is to be expected the first time you do something with a computer program older than you are.

My manager tried to make me eat food(which didn't work) because she felt badly because it was lunchtime and I didn't eat on my break. It was pretty amusing, but at the same time I really just am tired and don't feel like eating until 8 at night. Probably bad, and I'm probably going to gain weight again due to that, but oh well. It isn't like I won't eventually lose it again. I just have to figure out a good system. Oh, and I have to freaking get through all the training videos at work with a computer that just doesn't want to work properly.

Tomorrow: Change of address form, look up lawyers for realzies, talk to the leasing manager at the place I found that I might end up trying to get for myself.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Day 13: Too busy to hurt

How I feel today

Today I had my first full, 11 hour day at work. Suffice it to say that I haven't had the time or extra energy to hurt. Not only that, but I have awesome people to talk to in the middle of the night when I'm upset, or when I don't want to think about it. My redwings fan has helped me so much, and makes me immensely happy. I feel like an actual person again, and it has been a while.

So maybe, just maybe, I will survive this without Brian. I will always love who he was at one time, but, as he isn't that person anymore, there is no point mourning the dead man still walking around in his skin.

That's really all there is for tonight. Sorry. Maybe more tomorrow if I'm not so tired.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Day 12: There's that rage...

How I feel today

And it feels like all you'd have to do is step outside
Stop pacing around and waiting for some moment that might never arrive
But you're never gonna find it
When your knees got so weak
And it's right here, in case you need it like when you were young

Brian and I rushed things. Like.... a lot. It doesn't mean that I never loved him. I loved who he was, how he made me feel, who I was when he was around, but that was when we first started dating. That was before he decided that me being a wife meant that I didn't have to be his friend, that I was a lesser person than he was in the relationship, that he was the alpha male, and I was alpha only because I was with him.

However much I love him who he was when we started out, the fact is that he has changed, a lot, and a lot of people don't much like who he has become. He isn't the man I married. He's some boy who needs to grow up and learn how to properly be around humans.

I might not be a grown up, and you know what, I think that at this point, I'm at least ok with myself. I know how to be strong for myself, and I know how to survive without anyone else. I've spent a majority of my life knowing that I can't rely on anyone but me. I figured I would be able to lean on my husband a bit so that I could take a break from all the weight crushing me, but obviously that isn't something that I can do, because he ran out on me. Whatever. I'll be just fine. I always am.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Day 11: 1 year 6 months ago

How I feel today

A year and 6 months ago, my cousin had just gotten married, and I took Brian with me, because I refuse to go to weddings in my family alone, and I wanted to show off my girly side with him so he realized that I am better than anything else he would ever have. He got the point, and we were together.

Eddie and I were together a year and 6 months. He is my only other long relationship, and we broke up because at that point I did not want to get married and be a housewife, and I never intended to marry and be a housewife.

The more I think about it, the more I miss the way things used to be, before he started treating me like I was just supposed to be seen and not heard, and that I was supposed to do everything in the house. I know that I can't be with him again, because he and I are not the kind of people to let go of who we are and what we want, and he wants someone who will be his housewife, when I want to take be with someone who will help me, who will sometimes give me space when I ask for it, who will cuddle me when I sleep, be playful sometimes, talk to me long into the night, care about how my day went. Maybe that is a lot to ask, but it is not that hard to do when you love someone, I think.

Either way, life doesn't ever work out the way you think it will. I'm just taking it day by day, and figuring out who I am, what I will stand for, and what I won't. I can do so much better than settling for someone who loves the idea of being married more than the person to whom they are married.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Day 10: To the biggest mistakes that we just wouldn't trade

How I feel today

So yeah. Today is ok. I start my new job tomorrow, so I will no longer have to keep borrowing money from people. Because that isn't any fun. I'm managing ok today. Had to borrow money from my grandmother, and my mother, and the people I'm living with, and I really hate that, but I will work on getting that back to them (though I'm pretty sure that my mother and grandmother will not accept it back) I feel like tomorrow is going to be really tough, as we would have been together for 1 year and 6 months, and he's colder than he has ever been towards me. Yes, I know, a year and six months isn't that long, but seriously, for everything that happened in that time it was a lot.

Either way, tomorrow I will start my job, have jury duty (cancelled), and work on the boxes more than I have today. I will get through 10 boxes and 2 totes before the end of the day Wednesday. I have decided that is how it will be. Easier to just crank them out than it is to dwell on it, even though I'd rather dwell and get the pain out of my system.

In other news, the past week has reallly opened up my eyes to how much crap I was taking, and how much more I deserve, how much better I could do. I'm not an unattractive person, and people tend to like me, even when I'm having major issues. Special thanks to my redwings fan, who makes me smile when I just want to sob, and gets pissed off on my behalf.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Day 8 and 9: A weekend away

Today I iced cupcakes, did dishes, cleaned the room I was in so I can go into the other room, and as soon as I shower I am going to go and see my favorite people. I'm really hoping this weekend turns out well, and if it doesn't I'm sure you'll hear about it here come Monday. Fingers crossed.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Day 7: Temporary Fallout

How I feel today

He stopped by to drop off information so that I can do our taxes from last year. I was ok, dealt with it in my own way, that meaning I closed myself off so that he couldn't see my pain. He left and it hurt twice as much. Not only that, but I just can't deal with needing to have a plan in order to protect myself. I trusted him. How could he break that trust? He is one of 2 people who I took a chance on(any other person fully earned that trust beforehand) and let see that vulnerable side of me, and both of them took it and spit it at me. The other was Jeremy, and those of you who know me know what that means. Not even J hurt me this much though. I have never felt so much agony over anything before.

It hurts because he feels nothing about what he did, no guilt, no pain, and what he did was WRONG on so many levels. I hurt and everything sucks. I think about him every day, he was one of my dearest friends for so long, and now (well for a while now) he doesn't have that feeling about me. So many different things about the situation kind of make me mad at myself though.

I mean, I put up with so much that I had ALWAYS told myself I would never do. I would never let someone be condescending towards me and tell me that I was wrong all the time. I would NEVER let myself be a 50s housewife. FFS that is why I broke up with Eddie. He treated me horribly, and I loved him, even as he was trying to change me for "the better". I am a decent human, and he wanted to make me into a person who was just like his mom. I'm not that kind of person, and anyone who knows me for 5 minutes knows that, but for him, I was trying. I didn't want to lose him, which is why I tried so hard, and why it hurts so much more when he left me because I didn't try. I just.....don't even know.

Day 6: Today was a little better

How I feel today

I think mostly it was just that I was too busy to break down. I went and got a storage unit, put some stuff in it, got a change of address form, took care of the bank, and went through a bunch of clothes. I fell asleep about 7pm for whatever reason. Not fun. Woke up for dinner and decided I was going to beat things up on Soul Caliber III. I spent the day feeling numb and overwhelmed, but I have a plan, so I think the overwhelmed part is getting better.
Tomorrow I am going to make cookies, maybe some cupcakes too so that I can bring stuff to the benefit thing for Nick and the Underground, going to put at least 5 more boxes into the storage unit, clean the room I've been sleeping in so that I can actually sleep in the room I'm going to be in, put away at least one box of stuff, shower, eat, maybe make a run to goodwill with stuff I don't need. Sometimes numb makes things SO much easier. It is a short term easier though, which is the only reason I don't really want it. I just want to move past the pain and the hurt, and become me again.
I haven't been me in a while now, and going back to that is something I look forward to, now that I think about it. I get to be me AND grow up enough to be self sufficient in more than just my head.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Day 5: Its been almost a week.

Everything hurts. I keep hiding what I feel, trying to make the best of a shitty situation, because, let's face it, no one is going to be able to pull me out of the dark place I want to go. My chest feels like it is trying to remove itself from the rest of me, and all I want to do is scream, cry, yell, hit, kick, bite, rip out my hair.
I want to lose myself in the pain of everything, but I can't because, ironically(since apparently I'm a child(hence why he left)) I need to actually be an adult and do the things that he won't do in order to get this over with. I need to be able to function so that I can get a job, make money, and live my own life.

The pain doesn't stop for that though. I can push it inside, and refuse to let it out, but eventually, I'm going to break again. I don't even know who to trust with it, because the last person I trusted enough to see me broken and battered discarded me because he did not could not get that when I'm like that it isn't me giving up as much as it is me needing someone to understand and comfort me.

Thankfully I've had years and years of practice keeping up facades, because otherwise I would be too much of a wreck to try and piece my life back together. Bad enough that my friends can see through it. My (soon to be ex) husband will never see me hurt again. Another source of pain for me. I trusted him with everything, with my pain, with my past, with my future, and he gave up because he couldn't wouldn't help me through it. He wanted me to be his perfect little 50s wife, and do everything exactly as his family would do it, forgetting that I am not EVER going to be a stereotypical anything.

So instead, he left me with nothing, hoping that it would force me back into living with my family, which I will never do again. I actually want to grow and be free, not be trapped back in my family's hierarchy of b.s. and control.

I am loved by so many people. I am beautiful, inside and out. I try my hardest when I want things to work.

He is selfish, wanting everything to go exactly how he thinks it should. He is cold, never trying to understand how anyone else feels. He pushes other people into molds that he feels they should be in, even if it breaks them, and then wonders why people leave him.

I love him with everything I am, good and bad, because....he's safe and predictable. Safe in that he has a white knight complex like no other. Predictable in that he will always act the same way towards things.

That's not really love is it? It used to have more reason behind it, but where he used to make me smile and feel warm and comfortable, now he only is cold, bitter, angry towards me. He found a chaos that he can't control no matter what, that he can't shape into what he wants it to be, and that is the only reason that I can think of that he would leave.
He didn't even see how hard I would try to do what he wanted me to do, be who he wanted me to be, especially not after we got a roommate who was all of the things that he expected a woman to be, even though she's his best friends girl. Why would he need me around when the things I'm supposed to do according to his guidelines as wife, are being done by someone else? What does love even matter? Why bother to try to keep someone who you claimed that you loved, who you wanted to have children with, who was with you through losing part of your masculinity for good?

Everything hurts, and I just want to let the floodgates loose, let my chest escape from the rest of my body, and give up on the world. I know that people love me, and it probably is the only reason I didn't run into traffic, or take a billion pills, or attempt to drown. As much as I hurt, I couldn't cause that kind of pain to the people who love me, who have been there through my ups and downs, when I hit rock bottom and refused to stop digging. But damn do I wish I could if it would just end this constant pain and feeling of betrayal. I just want to be free.

I had reached a point where I was perfectly happy being single forever, and then he swooped in and took me away to a place where contentment was enough, where safety and inadequacy were better than loneliness and pain, and then less than a year later he drops me farther back where I was, worse even then when JLH left me for someone else. I have never hurt this much about anything. Even when my dad died, I at least got to be completely numb for a while before it really sunk in. God I wish he was still here. I could use a dad right now.

Day 4: My husband left me the day before April Fools Day

And I really can't get over that I wish he would say that it was just a joke.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Day 3: Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

My husband left me. The day before we were supposed to move into a 2 bedroom apartment, he told me that I wasn't welcome in the new apartment. I love him with all of myself. I gave him EVERYTHING, and he left because he doesn't understand why dealing with my past is so very difficult for me. I went into this marriage knowing that there would be rough parts, and he expected that I would just go with what his idea of a marriage is: the husband is the breadwinner, the wife works but also makes sure the house is immaculate at all times. NO ONE is that way their first year of marriage, not unless they are already successful in their careers and also from the 50s era. It is 2012, and marriage takes work from both people. I was trying SO hard, and it was never ever good enough. While I recognize that this is just something that should show me that he isn't right for me, but no matter how hard I think it, my entire body aches and hurts, feeling like I failed as a person, as a wife. I haven't really slept in the past 42 hours, and I've eaten once. I can't sleep, and even thinking of eating makes me feel like I'll just throw it up again. I'm just running on pain right now, and no matter what I do I can't stop thinking about what I could have done better.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

An update.

I love my husband. I would think that much is pretty obvious at this point. Sometimes though, my husband is a dick. Last night he said he was going to get papers for divorce in an argument when he was angry. Not a good way to try to end an argument with your ginger wife. Just saying.

We talked through everything, and figured out why we were both so angry. The fact is that we have a new roommate with 3 animals (I'm allergic to 2/3rds of her animals) moved in with us and we DON'T have the room until April when we move. It makes me feel as though my needs for living without being itchy all the time aren't important. Not to mention that she is alway hanging out with my husband and is flirty with all guys all the time forever and I don't trust her. I trust my husband, but I don't trust her,especially if my husband is drunk. He's a dumbass and really easy to manipulate when he's drunk.

Either way. The past 3 days have been less than fun. I watched over my friends when they were drunk on St. Patrick's Day, watched over my husband the next night all night when he was in the emergency room, and then the day after that he tells me in anger that he wants a divorce because I got pissed off when I was watching something on the television, and they started blaring music.

Fuck 'em.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Friday, January 13, 2012

A reflection of the past year (on Friday the 13th bc I can)

So wow. It is 2012 now. That sounds silly. Quite a bit has happened in the past year, and I don't even know where to start.

Well, New Years Eve 2010 I was looking towards 2011 and I cursed it. I didn't know that everything that was looking to make 2011 bad would disappear, and I didn't know I would lose someone who was once a very good friend of mine.

At the beginning of 2011, Brian had decided that he was going to go into the Air Force. For me, it meant that he was going to leave, and I wouldn't count for anything, as that is how the military works. Girlfriends don't matter. It would be years before I would be allowed to be with him, and that made my New Year last year a sad one. Shortly after, we talked over all of the options (over pizza since it is the best food ever), and decided that marriage was the best option, considering that if he left, I would have to follow him because I refused to spend my life without him.

So began the most HECTIC and CRAZY time of my life. I started planning my wedding, something that we originally decided was going to be a small little thing, just a courthouse wedding with an awesome party afterward. And then I told my grandmother that I was engaged and we wanted to get married in July. That..... well it didn't exactly make it so things turned out the way we planned, but things worked out wonderfully anyway.

We lost Billy, and I regret not being able to answer my cousin's call when he said that they were going out because Billy was sick again.

Not long before the wedding, my friends got in a fight, one of the couples in the bridal party broke up, and my mother was doing her normal crazy control stuff and threatening to not be at my wedding. We made it through those alright without too much loss, apart from I had to pick a new maid of honor, and a friend became someone in the list of people I don't trust.

We moved into our apartment, I worked at Circle K until I couldn't stand it anymore and got a job at a telemarketing place, and every day fell more in love with my husband, even when we fight about stupid stuff. Every day I look at him, and I see one more thing that I love about him; how he freaks out when I drive in the snow, how he makes sure that we're both covered through the night (since I steal the covers from him all the time he makes sure there are 2 comforters on the bed), how he looks at me as though I'm the most beautiful person that there ever was.

I see these things each day and smile. I've done pretty well this year. Here is to our first full year of marriage, that it gets even more beautiful each day, and survives every crazy obstacle in the way.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Baby Blues

I haven't blogged in a while. I'm sorry. Things have been crazy. Not that people even really read much. Either way, I've been thinking about lots of things lately. Specifically about babies. I'm kinda scared about the whole idea of that.

Really I guess I should start with where my head is lately. I haven't been feeling well, and when I don't feel good I'm in bed all day thinking. By that I mean I watch a bunch of Netflix and think about where I am in life. Yup. I'm a sap. Sorry guys.

Kids. I don't want them. But at the same time YES I do likerightnowbecauseomgkidsarecool. It is very confusing.

Pros of having kids (ie: reasons having kids wouldn't suck)
~Seriously, kids can make you feel so much better when you're having a shitty day. Sometimes I miss having the kids around all the time.
~Someone who needs me. So it is a stupid stupid STUPID reason to want a kid, but I have realized that I am just the kind of person that needs to be needed. I like it when I can fix things. Kids break things, and mess up A LOT so it would be a constant thing.
~I really want to give it a shot at being a better mother than my mother was to me. I want to know that I can think of the right answers, or at least the funny answers.

Cons of having kids (ie: reasons having kids would suck)
~OH MY GOD. Sometimes kids make shitty days EVEN WORSE! They are needy and never can't do things on their own yet and so they complain ALL THE TIME.
~What if I screw up being a mom? What if I make them even more screwed up than I am?

Diapers. Teenagers. Growing up. Moving out. Making huge mistakes. I'm not ready to handle that kind of thing. I'm still making mistakes. But that's what life is about, isn't it? Now trust me, I'm not going to have a kid anytime soon. I want to wait until we are settled and able to take care of a kid financially, and so does Brian.

So why do I feel like I'm missing something?