I have been having panic attacks a lot lately. I panic and freak out while my heart races and stay silent because I worry talking about them will make it worse. Today the couple I was talking to decided to do a trial separation, the guy I've been spending a lot of my time with gave me one of his hoodies because I have 3 and he has 10, and driving home I felt like I was gonna die because I ate today and my stomach hates me. These all terrify me and I get home and I feel like I can't talk to my best friend because his gf is here. I feel like I'm losing my damn mind all of the time lately, and I don't know how to deal with anything right. I don't know if this guy likes me or if he's just biding his time in the hopes he stops feeling so lonely without having his kids all the time. I don't know if I caused my couple to break up. I don't know if the surgery they want me to do after Christmas for my stomach issues will help or hurt.
I don't know if I can do this on my own, and I don't know that I have another choice. Im terrified that I want to be dead still, but there's noone I can explain that to who can make it better. And I can't afford a trip to the psych ward to get locked down when I don't have a plan to end my life, I just don't want my life to continue. I can't afford to be sick like this. I can't afford to be fucked up in the head.
I'm tired of wanting to die, but forcing myself through the process of living, being social, seeming normal and ok, when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and die. When I need someone to hold me and tell me I might not be ok now, and that's ok, that they are still here. When I feel more alone than I've ever felt before. My family hates me, my best female friend for the past 4 years gave up on me, my support system is 2 hours away, and I don't know if I can do this. I feel like a fuck up more often than not, and not because I'm single. I've been single before, and I'm ok with it. I feel like as fuck up because I don't know how to take care of me, because I've gotten used to talking care of everyone else. I don't know how to do what every adult does for themselves, and I don't know how to ask for what I need, let alone what I want.
