The love of love

I have never been able to release myself from the desire to run away from what I want every time I have the ability to get it. I give my everything, or my nothing. I hate it, more than almost anything, but I cling to it. I want to live my life, and find someone to love, who will love me. I want a family, and eventually, I want to be able to show my kids that I did something worthwhile with my life. I want to be someone my kids can look up to. And I don't know that I will ever be able to do that, considering that right now, my life is kinda like Barney's mom's life in How I Met Your Mother.
I am a good person, but human, full of hubris like anyone else. And that is what has gotten me in trouble. The idea of being in love is an amazing thing to me, and I so desperately want that that I have always made my relationships that all or nothing feeling. I am not trying to do that anymore.
If I wanted to cling to my past, I could have happiness, at least for a little bit. I could follow the boy when he leaves, risk everything for a chance I missed 5 years ago, or I could pretend that I don't feel anything for him and let him leave without me, risking never seeing him again. I just don't know what to do about it, since I don't really want to leave my home, but I dont want to lose this shot either.

Feelings suck. I wish I really didn't have them.

Life to this point: A rare chance at perspective

Hello all.

I know, I know, I haven't been on in a while. Things got... well... complicated.


Last we spoke, I was attempting to get out of a whirlwind romance, one that cost me everything I had worked so hard after my divorce to earn. He is still attempting to win me back. It took me a bit, but I managed to do what I didn't think I could: I am back on my feet, working 2 jobs, with my own apartment, and starting school again on Monday.


I had my housewarming party, at which I'm pretty sure a majority of people who read this blog were present. It was a good night, full of memories, alcohol, delicious foods, serious discussions, movie trivia, ridiculous internet clips, and family. I'm not actually related to a single one of them by blood, but trust me, every one of them is family to me in some way shape or form. I was again reminded how very, very lucky I am to have the guys in my life (which actually does include a few females). They are crazy, and loving, and make sure that I get completely plastered when the opportunity is favorable ha.


I am no longer taking my anti-depression meds. They were hurting more than they were helping, and now that I am home again things seem better. I had a bit of a scary time there, where I went to the bar every night because it was the only way I could feel anything. At that point I had been couch surfing for 2 months, and my morale was at an all-time low. Luckily, I am feeling better, and going to the bar once a week is less about getting drunk, and more about spending time with people I know. I know it still isn't the most healthy thing to do, but I am 24 years old, and need to do more than just work all the time. Social interaction is necessary to live.


I am terrified that I'm going to mess up again, but this time, I know that I am at home, and that I have people nearby to remind me of everything for which I've worked so hard, everything I can't afford to throw away again. I am going back to school, which I have been trying to do almost since I left in 2009. I decided on Psychology as a degree, because what better way to help people? What better way to learn more about people? It is what I love to do, and what I believe I am skilled at doing.


All in all, I have spent the past year healing, making mistakes, and trying new things. I have been hurt, had to start from scratch a few times, but at the end of all of that, I am here, stronger, better, wiser, and most importantly, living for the first time in GOD KNOWS how long. And anyone who doesn't like that, well, I don't know if I really need them in my life anymore now, do I?

Apparently I'm not as over it as I thought.

I had a fun wake-up call today, well, wake-up text as it were. I was thinking of an old friend, and sent a text to see what was up, concerned but also I have a lot on my plate. She sent back a wall of text saying she can't be the person I need her to be, that she has to worry about her own things, and has grown a lot in the past few months without me. I had thought I was the kind of person who, if you have a problem, you can talk to me about it. Neither here nor there though. The point is, I am 23 years old, as of Easter have been separated/divorced for a year, and keep finding myself in situations that push me to break, where I have to talk to someone to try to wrap my head around it. Unfortunately, because I have had to be so strong, anything that overburdens me is too much for people to handle. I might need to look into an actual therapist.

In other news, got into a crazy whirlwind romance, and am having issues getting out of it. The one that got away back in the day popped back up, and I can't let that go a second time. I would go more into it, but now is an awful time, as I'm going to lose my apartment Monday and found out my mother has precancerous cells in her uterus. I could use a friend, and have found that mine are all too far away, and that I really could care less most of the time anymore. My meds aren't really helping me anymore, and I don't know what more to do. I need to get out of this place and explore for a while, but I can't. I am trapped, scared, alone, and I don't know what to do.