Thursday, June 28, 2012

Describe your relationship with your parents

My dad is dead. My mother and I....well our relationship is a bit more complicated.

My mother and I have never really been close. We are so similar that we manage to push each others buttons. She spent the majority of my childhood using me to some purpose, whether it was against my father before he passed away, or having me take care of the kids so she could do whatever it was she wanted after she got off work. Any money I had from the jobs I had went into my bank account, which only she had access to, and which, before I turned 18, she took the money from. Now that I'm older, and working on being all on my own, I really am trying not to ask her for help, but when I have to, I don't feel badly about it. I feel 18 years is a lot to make up for, and there is nothing wrong with asking for help when I need it, especially with what she owes me. However, I also understand that she doesn't see it that way, so I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It isn't a healthy relationship, not even a little, but I still get to see my siblings, and that makes everything worth it, because I wouldn't trade my baby brother for anything. I have never loved anyone as much as I love that little boy, and until I(if I ever do) have my own child I don't think I will ever love anyone as much as I love him.

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

So I'm really not good at talking about things that matter to me. I can text about them, I can write on here about them all night long, but when it comes to looking at someone, or even over the phone, and telling them what is going on with my head about important things, I freeze up. I'm always scared that people are going to judge me harshly for having things that matter, or worse, that they will try to ruin the important things I want or have. I grew up in a family where that was common practice, therefore making it a legitimate fear, and now, knowing people who are, as a general rule, good people, it isn't as legit, but I have to keep myself safe.

I am terrified to show people who I am, the person behind the smiles, the jokes, the laughter and fake confidence. Under that, I'm just as scared and confused as anyone else, but I have been hurt so many times by people who were supposed to care and who convinced me that they cared, I tend to take what people tell me with a grain of salt most times. I know that I should trust better, and that I should try to show myself more to the people I care about, but it is really hard when even the man I married ended up throwing my actual self in my face like it was a terrible thing, when my family has always been the kind of family that uses trust against you, and guilts you into having less than you need or deserve. I am trying to get better at trusting, and it helps because I'm pretty sure that there is no way that Drew intends to hurt me in that way, but there is still that little voice in the back of my head, telling me that there is no possible way for me to know that. I'm so scared all the time, and I can't really explain it.

I'm actually really very scared of needles. Well, not the needle itself, or even really ..... ok. Let me change that. I'm scared of anything that punctures skin where it isn't meant to be punctured. I have no problem with earrings, or piercings in general, because they are meant to be that way by the person who gets them, but when something goes underneath the skin that isn't meant to, like when a needle inserts a vein and you can see it move just under the skin, THAT freaks me the hell out. Doesn't stop me from donating blood, but as long as I don't look at my arm I'm fine in those instances. I was sick a lot when I was living with my mother, and one of the times I went to have bloodwork done, the nurse who did my blood work could not find my vein, and dug around for a good 20 minutes. I had a HUGE bruise on my arm, and since cannot look at a needle in my skin, and the thought of something being inserted in skin where it ought not to be freaks me the hell out. Bleh

Monday, June 25, 2012

List 20 random facts about yourself

1. I was born in Elyria. It took 21 years, and then I lived there for a year. I think I might move back in another 21 years, just to make a pattern.

2. I'm pretty much just addicted to playing Solitaire Blitz and Fallen London. I blame Facebook and Felicia Day.

3. Whenever I read "IT" by Stephen King, the song "Float On" by Modest Mouse gets stuck in my head.

4. My friends are 1. insane and b. the most amazing friends that a person could ever hope to get. I seriously thank the gods for them on almost a daily basis.

5. When I can't sleep, I put on Rock so that I can sleep, because classical music doesn't work.

6. From October of 2011 until very recently, there were very few days where I didn't feel like my dying would not matter even a little. I was extremely depressed, and honestly wouldn't have been able to get by if it weren't for the people who love me.

7. Halestorm is my current favorite band. Her voice is amazing, and the songs make me full of happy.

8. I am the party mom at the parties I go to. Someone has to make sure the people I love are safe all night, and I like watching them drunk anyway.


10. My favorite dessert food to make is brownies. I make AWESOME brownies.

11. Every day, I try to think of one good thing about myself. It doesn't always work, but I always try.

12. I love a lot of people, in a lot of different ways.

13. I don't like watching sports if I'm not right there in the stadium/arena. I like having the whole experience if I'm watching, not just the portion that television thinks is important.

14. I want to do something more with my life than I have. If I could make my art my life I would love it, but I can't do that at this point.

15. For the first time in my life, I am moving into my own apartment, where it will be my space and no one can tell me what to do with it. I'm kind of terrified about this even though I'm ecstatic.

16. As much as I hate Brian for what he did to me, I miss being able to talk to him without it being awkward. He knows more about me than anyone in the world, and the fact that he could use any of it against me terrifies me.

17. Sometimes when I'm having a bad day, I need Spice Girls to cheer me up, because there is nothing NOT ridiculous about listening to Spice Girls.

18. I talk to Drew more than I have ever talked to a significant other, and due to this he knows a lot more than most people who have only known me for 3 months. It is kind of scary, but I feel I'm getting better at trusting, and determining who deserves trust.

19. I like almost every kind of music. There are some things I can't stand (mainly newer rap) but I will listen to anything once.

20. I really miss singing, soccer, painting and swimming. I just feel so trapped in my life right now with not being able to get those things done.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

One way ticket on a runaway train

So I have really missed writing, but I am always so busy with work, trying to get my apartment stuff figured out, and not going crazy.... so I'm going to cheat. I'm going to take the following list, and every day answer one of the questions. I encourage those of you reading to do the same, just because I would like to know lots of things about the people I love.


1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

Tune in tomorrow for number 1! <3 you all