Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The love of love

I have never been able to release myself from the desire to run away from what I want every time I have the ability to get it. I give my everything, or my nothing. I hate it, more than almost anything, but I cling to it. I want to live my life, and find someone to love, who will love me. I want a family, and eventually, I want to be able to show my kids that I did something worthwhile with my life. I want to be someone my kids can look up to. And I don't know that I will ever be able to do that, considering that right now, my life is kinda like Barney's mom's life in How I Met Your Mother.
I am a good person, but human, full of hubris like anyone else. And that is what has gotten me in trouble. The idea of being in love is an amazing thing to me, and I so desperately want that that I have always made my relationships that all or nothing feeling. I am not trying to do that anymore.
If I wanted to cling to my past, I could have happiness, at least for a little bit. I could follow the boy when he leaves, risk everything for a chance I missed 5 years ago, or I could pretend that I don't feel anything for him and let him leave without me, risking never seeing him again. I just don't know what to do about it, since I don't really want to leave my home, but I dont want to lose this shot either.

Feelings suck. I wish I really didn't have them.

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Johnny 5 needs more input