Being Thankful

This year, I have spent a lot of time just trying to stay afloat. I have been overemployed and overworked, with too many jobs to find time for the people I love.

However, I know that through all the pain this year has caused, I have so much more to be thankful for than years previous, because I have actually managed to keep a place of my own, get a car, and try my hardest to show the people who matter to me that I care. I have lost important people, but become much closer to people I never was before.

I still have the Lady around, which was touch and go for a while, and have let go of a lot of anger that I have been holding onto since I was 18.

This year, I am thankful, because I have found myself through the tough times, and will continue, hopefully, to grow into the person I want to be more as I keep going.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Whatever it is, its just sitting there laughing at me and I just want to scream

What now?

Now, I ignore all of it and just work on being a good friend. I'm not meant to be more than that.

The Door

Yesterday, I came home, and the door was locked, and I wanted to cry, because I knew he was with her again.

I have no right to be upset by that. He isn't mine. But no matter how much my brain says it, my heart protests, having claimed him as its own ages ago.

He's the one person I can talk to about almost anything. He teases and picks and talks things through and consoles. He is there when things are rough and I can't deal, to yell at me until I get my head out of my ass. But I can't talk to him about this. The issue is too personal, hurts too much, and he doesn't want to talk about it any more than I do.

Lestat keeps calling him my boyfriend, not realizing how very cruel he is being. He doesn't want that from me, never has. Even when we were physical, he was never how he is with girls he is interested in. It hurts and I have no idea why. I have no idea why I don't rate higher in his book than friend, but I can't do anything about it.

Today, I came home, and the door was unlocked, and I wanted to cry, because I knew he was still here, waiting for me.