Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Being enough

I am not a tiny girl. Not just size wise, though I will never be a size 0, or even a size 6. Everything is big for me. I can't help it, it is all I know how to be.

Oftentimes, I find that to be an issue, because so often I still feel like I am never enough. I'm not enough of what people want of me.

I cried today. We were watching This is Where I Leave You, and it hit a lot of triggers. More than anything else, it reminded me that I put up with a lot that I hated because I loved my husband. It reminded me that for everything that I give, every day, I will not ever be enough. I will never be the girl that a guy falls for. I will never be that strange girl who grows into the girl that guys fall over themselves for. I am just an odd one. I give my everything for people who don't see it, or worse, who see what I am, but don't think they deserve it.

I'm so very tired of not being enough. I'm tired of fighting with nothing to show for it.

I'm so very tired of being alone because the one person who I want to be enough for sees me as too much, or more than he deserves, or not enough of what they want.

I'm so tired of it, but have become so resigned about it.

Because honestly, ignoring what you want doesn't make it go away. And life is too damn short to not take risks, and too damn long to regret mistakes.

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