Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Fighting against the big fur coat of depression

I have been thinking a lot lately about where I am in my fight with my depression, compared to where I was even 2 years ago.

2 years ago, I was going through the motions. I was going to work, eating when I remembered, showering when it started to be a problem, and in general just staying in my room. I was not as bad as I have ever been, but I still wasn't ok. The problem was that because I didn't feel as bad as I had been used to, I thought that was a normal way to be.

I am now in a place where I actually feel like I have control over my life, where I know what is considered to be healthy and normal, and I strive daily to be able to keep up with it.

I don't always make it, and that is okay. 

 I am actually fighting for myself, trying, and sometimes even succeeding, at functioning well.

HOWEVER, there are still days that are very bad, seemingly worse than they were when I was used to that being my normal state of being. When I find myself slipping back to where I was, I find that a lot of songs by Icon for Hire help me to focus and remind me that I am fighting every day, and that I have to keep fighting, even on the days that it seems pointless. The following 2 songs specifically, Get Well and Iodine, always help me get out of the catch-22 depression can have on you, where you feel like either it isn't your fault so you can't do anything about it, or it is ok to dwell in that feeling. They remind me every time that I cannot live that way and be who I am.

I am a lot better than I used to be, and I know that is because I found a doctor who not only listened to my issues without judging me, but also paid attention when I felt uncomfortable with different medicines that we tried, to determine what she thought would work better so that I could be ok.

My life isn't that hard anymore, and I have come a long way in getting past the things that used to drag me down that are no longer in control of my life. The fact that I was still depressed was not a matter of a situation or my opinion of the situations. I was and am depressed because I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, and if I had never tried to get help for it, I don't know that I would be able to function on my own. I know that I will likely have to be on medication for the rest of my life, which is still something that I am trying to be ok with. I know there is nothing wrong with better living through chemistry, but having grown up in a family that hides emotions until they explode, and refuses to believe that there is something that you can't just get over, I sometimes have a hard time accepting that there is nothing more that I could have done for my depression than what I am doing now. I have a chemical imbalance that needs correction, because my brain does not make the chemicals the correct way.
Maybe one day in the future that will be able to be fixed, but as of right now, I have to do this, and there is nothing wrong with that. 

Today I decided to write because while I know that my blog does not get many readers (mostly due to my lack of a writing schedule and consistent content), I want it out there for people who do struggle with some of the same things that I have struggled with, to see that not only are there other people out there who are working through the same things or have worked through the same things, but that it can ABSOLUTELY get better. If you keep fighting, it WILL get better. 

 This week has been rough because my husband left me 5 years ago, and this year would have been the year we tried for children. I have been upset, not because he isn't in my life, because I couldn't be happier about that, but because I am not currently in a place to have children. I am a lot closer than I was 2 years ago, yes, but I am still not there yet. It saddens me but I am proud of myself for not sinking into that feeling and refusing to do anything. I am working on being the best me that I can be, because I will not be ready to bring more people into the world until I am ok with me. I will not be able to find someone to be my person until I am my own person, and love me as much as I love those around me. 

I am proud of where I am. I'm not perfect. I'm not "fixed" yet, but I am much healthier than I have been in a long time, and I am extremely proud of myself for that. Even better, while I did have my best friends help me get to that point, I did it myself. I fought for myself and continue to do so. I am the reason I am better, and the joy that brings is indescribable.  


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