Thursday, November 22, 2012

From the moment I wake, I plan my escape

Sometimes I forget how very lucky I am in my life.

Yes, I understand that my past has seemed anything but lucky. However, I managed to survive all of those things, and I'm still managing alright.

Things aren't perfect for me. Not even close, but I have some things so much more important than perfection.


And sometimes I don't tell myself this enough, but I'm actually starting to believe that:

I am intelligent.
I am beautiful.
I am needed.

A year ago, I felt disgusting, pointless, and overwhelmed. I was losing my husband day by day, and noticed it, but couldn't bring myself to care. I was scaring the people close to me as my apathy overtook who I am as a friend.

I was close to dead, not in the sense of dying, more in the sense of being stagnant, of not living. When I think about it now, I realize why Brian would freak out. It isn't out of the question to freak out when someone has been laying in the exact same place for a day and a half. It isn't out of the question to worry when someone looks at you with dead eyes, no compassion or caring in them. More often than not, I would be aware of it, and feel trapped, not able to feel or show anything even though I was aware he was scared.

This year, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a family of friends who love and support me, who are proud of everything that I have managed to accomplish in the past year. I have a plan for coming home to be with them more often, and I know that I am able to do anything I put my mind to. I have blood family enough to care, and 2 younger siblings who love me dearly, and 1 who tries, sometimes. I have a place to sleep every night, food enough to get by, and clothes to wear.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

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