Thursday, December 11, 2014

A challenge met(kinda), with unexpected results

A while back, Lenny challenged me to have Eddie stay a weekend with me, so that I could get a tiny feel for how we might work. Of course he intended me to do the same with Lestat, as though Lestat was ever a real option, but that is beside the point. Eddie had a couple days off in a row this week and stayed with me Sunday night until Wednesday morning.

Unexpectedly, it wasn't really something that felt good. Not to say that it felt bad, it just....felt weird in more a bad way than a good way. Coming home and him being there was nice because I got a hug and kiss, but that's about it. I just didn't care that he was there.

Cuddles were nice, but again, somewhat tiresome. He couldn't sleep well because I snore, and I felt bad that he didn't sleep well. He also sleeps normal people hours, which doesn't work so well with me most of the time. He fussed that I slept most of the day and was up all night the night before, though I knew I was going to get the van and work all night.

We sat and watch Netflix when I was home, for the most part. That was ok, because its easy, but also meant we didn't really talk a whole lot. He also let me make all the choices as far as movies/shows and noms.

He came away from his stay feeling the best he had felt in a while. I really didn't think it was anything that special. I mean, yeah, I had someone to cuddle and snuggle, but everything else was things I could do with anyone. Not all that big a deal.

I thought that this would show me how awesome it could be, giving this a chance. Now, I'm remembering the bits of our past relationship that were, and still are, less than ideal:

-He never fights me, ever, on anything. He always just lets me have my way. As a human, I make mistakes, and someone always acting like I don't just annoys me. No, actually, it pisses me the hell off.
-He is more indecisive than I am, which takes some doing as anyone who knows me can attest to.
-He doesn't challenge me to do anything. He is less ambitious than I am, and doesn't want adventure as much as comfort and ease.
-He sees me as his everything when we date. He would rather sit doing nothing than be social and go out and about, together or separate. 

I love him, but loving someone doesn't make them right for you, or you right for them. I don't have the strength to deal with trying to get him kick started into something that is better as far as career and social growth goes.

The issue is, I don't want to hurt him again. I don't think I will ever know what to do with this situation.

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