Monday, April 13, 2015

Frenzied Peace

I never thought that I would find it again
that poetic voice that used to
SCREAM inside my head,
whisper sweet nothings in my dreams.

I never thought I would feel anything again.

My heads a mess of feelings lately

good, bad
anything but apathetic.

I watched you as you slept (creepy, I know.)

and watching you sleep,
seeing you            
                                                           not pretending to be anything,
                                                           just being you,

looked like the most beautiful thing in the world.

I so rarely see you sleep,

and seeing you sleeping so soundly
awoke that voice inside me,
that hauntingly beautiful voice I hadn't heard in such a long time,
telling me to listen,
 to let my pen take over,
to write again.

You didn't do anything,
 (stupid as it is)
I love you more for that.
 I can feel again. I can put the thoughts and feelings in a place where my poetic mind can elaborate, can bleed poetically in a way it had been hiding itself. Elaborate words where simple ones would suffice. My voice was gone for so long, I thought it was dead. I thought that part of me had died, the part that expressed everything it saw with a beauty that words often make smaller.

Today, I have realized that I cannot stop loving you, but I also cannot dare to push for more than we have. To push further would be to break us, what we have. I would rather have this game of pretend than lose all of it.

Today, I understand exactly what you mean when you say you can't risk losing this. I thought that I understood before.
Life tends to be more complex than that, and without that voice, my own sort of soul, I had no way of really grasping it.

I don't know if you love me.
I know you care.
I know you want to make sure that I am ok.

You've done that for so long, I forgot how important that is.
I don't appreciate you the way that I should.

It has been a long time since a moment was so beautiful that I HAD to get a pen and paper and write it down. More than anything else, I am glad to have that back. I could watch you sleep all day. Your face at peace, brow untroubled.... it is who you are when you don't hide, who you are when you don't hurt. I'd never seen that before.

Today, I realized that I could spend the rest of my life watching you sleep,
or, at least,
as long as you would put up with me anyway.

I've never been as clear as anything in my life.

You remind me of who I m, and help me forget the dumb mistakes I've made.
You show me my best qualities, and help me get past my worst ones.

With you, I am so much better than I have been, because I know that you don't judge me for my mistakes, for my failures. You pick me back up, tell me not to be dumb and push me right back into doing things the right way.

I forgot how nice it was to have someone push me.
I forgot how good it felt to have someone believe in me.
And you did it without being mean about it, or even showing that you were pushing at all.

Now I hear your even breathing, a quiet comfort I had missed; its simple beauty so inspiring and beautiful that it almost brings me to tears.

I have found the voice through your care and kindness.

You say that you don't know what you would do if something happened and you lost me.
I don't think you have realized how much you have helped me find me again.
My book laid dormant, for want of a pen, of my thoughts,to come flowing back into it.
My hand has missed this feeling, the cramping from writing so much so quickly, letting my thoughts flow freely without blockage.

I can feel again,
         think again,
         breathe again.
This wonderful feeling is so much more than I remembered.
It takes me to a place of peace and clarity.
It shows me what my head refused to see,
because of the RISK,
of opening my heart again,
honestly and truly opening my heart,
rather than just getting past the gnawing loneliness.

For once, this isn't due to some doting suitor who is beneath me,
who doesn't deserve my attention,
or who putts me up so high above himself that I seem perfect.

This is finding my equal,
someone to walk with and grow with,
who knows my flaws and puts up with me anyway.

You've been a constant thought in my life since you came into it.
I've seen your pain and suffering, been there when you didn't think you deserved it.
You've done the same for me.
 Without you, I would still be fighting to get by, as I am now, but I would not be me.
I wouldn't be the person who feels,
and writes,
and cares,
and expresses all of those things.

You have awoken in me the girl who wrote for reasons other than pain,
I forgot how much I love that girl,
that part of me that ran away for lack of love.

I never imagined, out of anything that could ever be given to me,
that I would be able to have her back.
I thought that I would forever fight to write down my thoughts,
that I would forever lose touch of pouring my soul down through my pen, onto the paper.
I feel everything again,
the welcoming cramp of hand and wrist,
the tingling of pure bliss through my limbs.

It has been present more lately,
and seemed so unfamiliar,
so foreign, like a passing chill on a summer day,
or, more accurately,
a burst of warmth in a winter chill.
It was there the day I woke to find you standing over the hospital bed,
alarms going off because I stopped breathing.
It was there when you held my hand
as I drunkenly apologized for anything I could think of in such a drunken stupor,
and again when the events of Christmas broke my heart and tore me to tears.

I don't know how much you care about me for sure,
but I do know
that the chemistry,
and the teamwork
we have, is very rare,
 and very beautiful.

Today, I found out I am the luckiest girl in the world,
because I can watch you sleep,
and know you will still be here when I wake up.

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