I meant it when I said I wanna get well. I wanna get well.

I have been having panic attacks a lot lately. I panic and freak out while my heart races and stay silent because I worry talking about them will make it worse. Today the couple I was talking to decided to do a trial separation, the guy I've been spending a lot of my time with gave me one of his hoodies because I have 3 and he has 10, and driving home I felt like I was gonna die because I ate today and my stomach hates me. These all terrify me and I get home and I feel like I can't talk to my best friend because his gf is here. I feel like I'm losing my damn mind all of the time lately, and I don't know how to deal with anything right. I don't know if this guy likes me or if he's just biding his time in the hopes he stops feeling so lonely without having his kids all the time. I don't know if I caused my couple to break up. I don't know if the surgery they want me to do after Christmas for my stomach issues will help or hurt.
 I don't know if I can do this on my own, and I don't know that I have another choice. Im terrified that I want to be dead still, but there's noone I can explain that to who can make it better. And I can't afford a trip to the psych ward to get locked down when I don't have a plan to end my life, I just don't want my life to continue. I can't afford to be sick like this. I can't afford to be fucked up in the head.
 I'm tired of wanting to die, but forcing myself through the process of living, being social, seeming normal and ok, when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and die. When I need someone to hold me and tell me I might not be ok now, and that's ok, that they are still here. When I feel more alone than I've ever felt before. My family hates me, my best female friend for the past 4 years gave up on me, my support system is 2 hours away, and I don't know if I can do this. I feel like a fuck up more often than not, and not because I'm single. I've been single before, and I'm ok with it. I feel like as fuck up because I don't know how to take care of me, because I've gotten used to talking care of everyone else. I don't know how to do what every adult does for themselves, and I don't know how to ask for what I need, let alone what I want.

The life of constant illness

So I have been dealing with gastroparesis for just over a year, and I've only known it was gastroparesis since May. This life is strange and confusing, and I'm exhausted and tired of feeling sick. I tend to feel like I'm not good enough because dealing with this and depression sometimes takes everything out of me.  I feel like I can't get everything I need done, and that my life is going to crumble around me because of it. I'm barely getting by, and being sick just makes it worse. I don't know what to do about it, and some days it's prefer if everything was just over, but to tell anyone who hasn't felt this way, or dealt with these things, just gets me hlepy advice. "Just smile it will get better", "get out and do something", "don't dwell on it", "do what the doctors say so you feel better". All said in kindness, meant to be helpful, but ends up making me feel more worthless, more pointless, more like I'd be better off not existing. I cannot keep feeling this way. It is a miserable existence. I just want to be done.

Wide awake

It is 5 am and I've been awake since 10am. I'm exhausted, but I lay down and just toss and turn. It is frustrating to no end, and I don't know why it is happening.

I haven't had this be my life in a while. Today was an excessively bad day at work, and after slightly throwing up at my desk, I had 3 more hours to get through. Figured I would get home and just.... sleep. But nope. Can't sleep. Even a shower to help relax didn't help. Now I'm wide awake and also clean.

My life lately

It has never been the days where everything goes wrong that have are bad days. It is always the days where nothing happens, where I'm just alone, not doing anything, that I wonder why I'm even here, why I even bother. I surround myself with memories, pictures of the people I love, memorabilia of times that I felt loved, cared for, happy. I pretend that it helps. I pretend that I am ok. Today I have sat here doing nothing, even though I know that I need to get things together in the house. I actively wanted to die today, intrusive thoughts fucking with my head. I don't know what is wrong with me.  Well I do. But I have never been this bad, not ever. I wanted to die today, slit my wrists and stop existing. I just....It is bad. I've been looking at the pictures of people who love me, or used to love me, or something. I don't even know anymore. I haven't seen any of them in ages. I feel lost, and confused. I feel terrified all the time. I can't fake it when I'm not busy. I can't pretend that everything is fine. I'm too cowardly to ever actually act on intrusive thoughts, which is, in may ways a blessing I suppose or I would have been dead years ago. I've never told anyone that I often feel like taking my life would be an appropriate solution. I don't tell people that I wish that I had the courage to end my damn life because I don't feel like I'm any good, or worthwhile, no matter how much people tell me that I am. No matter how many people I help or bring a smile to, I don't feel like I have any worth. I know that I am important to people, I know that I matter to people, that I make people happier being around. I know because people tell me that, but the back of my brain consistently says that they are just pitying me, or saying it because they think its what I need to hear. I don't feel like I deserve anyone caring about me, so I push people away, distance myself as much as possible. I isolate and watch the destructive spiral happen over and over. Most people give up quickly, don't try to push too hard. There are a select few who are do push, but over time I get even the most patient people to leave, either by being too fucked up, or pretending that I have it under control. I would rather keep people away most times because it is too much for me, and I live with my brain every day. I can't imagine what it would be like if most people knew that underneath this cheery facade I would rather die than get up most mornings. I'd be in a locked ward probably, being force fed the meds that I keep forgetting to take. It would probably be better for me in the long run, honestly, but I am terrified of being in a psych ward. I don't know what to do. I think thats where I'm headed.

Living is a problem because everything dies - Biffy Clyro

I haven't written in a long time.

At first, it was because I was doing better, making positive steps, working on getting my life back together.  Lately, I have been getting worse, and today, as I lay here trying to sleep, I burst into tears because I had a moment of clarity: I am back to bad again.
I isolated myself in a new town, pushed away my best friends with reckless and thoughtless actions, let my emotions take over rather than thinking and being rational.

I got blackout drunk and lost one best friend by attacking him.
I overreacted to boy problems, and my reaction caused my other best friend to need a break from me as well.
I got locked out of the house I hadn't finished moving out of because I was too unmotivated to function past necessity, and my over the top reaction to that has caused my family to believe that I am on hard drugs.

God, if that were only true.

At least then, it would be something that would be easily fixed. At least then, it would be something that would explain the irrationality of it all, something to show why I've been so out of my mind.

I can't explain why I've been so irrational, or why I've been reacting to things that normally slide off my back.
I can't explain why I'm not processing things properly, or why I can shut off at work, pretend to be a normal functional member of society, then as soon as I am home, I lay on the couch and do nothing.
I showered once last week. I hardly ate, and I barely slept. I played the part well at work, and most people don't ever see how dead I am inside, how much I don't care about my life or anything. I don't show my pain, or my self hatred, or my general apathy. I don't show how much pain I am in physically, or how hard it is to not throw up each day. I don't know how to handle this. I was diagnosed with gastroparesis in May after being sick since October. Now I know why it is that I feel like death all the time, but there isn't an easy cure. I can't even be properly diagnosed until November when I swallow a Smart Pill that will show exactly what my digestive system is doing every step of the way. I can hardly function most days, but I muddle through somehow in public, putting that facade on once more, the "everything is fine, I'm happy and doing well" mask that I wish would just be my life.

My friends see it when I am around, which hasn't been much lately. They worry over me, and I try to keep pretending, acting like things are just fine, letting excuses fly about a few minor problems to help their concerns. Everything is an act though lately. I go home and I'm numb. I sit and do nothing. I wake up after a few hours, and I put on the act of being an adult. I do errands, buy food I hardly ever eat, and go to work. I get off work, I come home and do it all over again. I pretend to function, and I look halfway decent, and force myself to do enough to survive each day. I force myself to shower at least once a week, eat what I can keep down when I feel like I can force myself to try. I wear clean clothes, and force myself to do laundry when I run low. I look like I am put together, wear makeup when I am especially bad. It helps people get distracted from the fact that my smile doesn't quite make it all the way to my eyes, that my customer service voice is a little bit too cheery, that I don't focus as well, have to write more down to remember what I am talking about. I like having the structure of work, because it means I know what is expected, I know what I can do, and I know what I can't do. I know these things, and can react appropriately.

I know I need to get another doctor, a regular doctor who I can talk to about my concerns, who can adjust my meds, as they are clearly not working as well as they used to. I know I have to. I know that is the logical step in getting back to better. I know that, because I'm not stupid.

I am, however, also back to the paranoid part where I am concerned that they are going to put me in the psych ward, because maybe that is where I belong. Maybe I should be put in a safe place like that, make sure that I don't hurt myself or anyone else when my emotions take over, when I just react without thinking. I just.....I don't know if I am actually ok. I don't know if I can come out of this one. I don't have anyone right now, and it is dangerous to me. I know that, but I still just.....I have a hard time asking for help, when most of my life asking for help meant that I was being weak, which was not worthwhile, meant that I was too much trouble. I thought I was past this feeling. I thought I was ok. I thought that this was at least something that I was past.

This time the spiral is scaring me, because it is faster, and I don't know how to pull out of it on my own. Well, that isn't entirely true. I know how to pull out of it. I just don't know if I have the strength to do so on my own. I am terrified, and noone sees it, because everyone is gone, pushed away when the spiral slowly started. I want to be dead every day, but I don't want to say it and have people pity me. I don't want those looks, the ones that show up every time I am really me.

I miss my best friends kicking my ass out of my funk, making me see myself, fight for myself, fight for them. I miss having people who love me nearby, but I want to be in a better place for myself. I want to be able to survive without someone's help. I want to be capable of living without someone's help. I am miserable knowing that I can't do that yet. I am not able to survive on my own still, at 30 years old. Who the hell can't function at 30 as an adult? Who the hell still needs help at 30?

This spiral of worthlessness and defeat is hard to pull out of. The facade is easier to keep up, an easy part to fall back on, the dumb girl who has things easy, with everything working out well. The newer people don't look past it, with few exceptions. The mask slips a bit and the observant notice, but accept "I just don't feel well today" as an answer. The unobservant think I'm nothing, not realizing the mask is even there, assuming I am just bubbly, happy, carefree, dimwitted even.  Sometimes I let my intelligence slip out, and watch the confused looks, the quick dismissal. My pain gets easier to mask, the consistency becoming normal, with few exceptions. The nausea waves come, but I find it easy to keep it down most days, as there isn't much in my system to throw up anyway. I leave work exhausted from pretending to be someone ok, someone not in pain. I talk about work on my breaks so I don't have to think about the situations I have put myself in, because who would understand that I recognize that it is insane to behave in these ways, but I can't stop myself at the time of them? That when I'm overwhelmed, my rational thoughts are there, but not loud enough to overpower the agony, the sorrow, the rage, the betrayal felt. That getting blackout drunk, to lose my control, to not remember that I couldn't feel anything but pain and sadness, seemed like a better idea than to feel them. That running away when I could hardly see through the tears and agony of my family deciding I was worthless, a liar, a druggie, seemed easier than accepting that in my rage of the betrayal I felt, I fucked up, and I made choices that could have been better. I let my feelings take over, because I was alone and scared, and losing my safety net.

I am not in control, and I recognized it too late. And I don't know how to fix it, because death would be easier. I don't want to kill myself, but I want to die every day. I don't want to live this way, scared that I will never be able to function. I don't know how to ask for the help I need. "Figure out what you want and learn how to ask for it." Yeah, sure. Easy enough. Just do the one thing that makes me feel like I'm even worse off than I already feel. Shit.

Fighting against the big fur coat of depression

I have been thinking a lot lately about where I am in my fight with my depression, compared to where I was even 2 years ago.

2 years ago, I was going through the motions. I was going to work, eating when I remembered, showering when it started to be a problem, and in general just staying in my room. I was not as bad as I have ever been, but I still wasn't ok. The problem was that because I didn't feel as bad as I had been used to, I thought that was a normal way to be.

I am now in a place where I actually feel like I have control over my life, where I know what is considered to be healthy and normal, and I strive daily to be able to keep up with it.

I don't always make it, and that is okay. 

 I am actually fighting for myself, trying, and sometimes even succeeding, at functioning well.

HOWEVER, there are still days that are very bad, seemingly worse than they were when I was used to that being my normal state of being. When I find myself slipping back to where I was, I find that a lot of songs by Icon for Hire help me to focus and remind me that I am fighting every day, and that I have to keep fighting, even on the days that it seems pointless. The following 2 songs specifically, Get Well and Iodine, always help me get out of the catch-22 depression can have on you, where you feel like either it isn't your fault so you can't do anything about it, or it is ok to dwell in that feeling. They remind me every time that I cannot live that way and be who I am.




I am a lot better than I used to be, and I know that is because I found a doctor who not only listened to my issues without judging me, but also paid attention when I felt uncomfortable with different medicines that we tried, to determine what she thought would work better so that I could be ok.

My life isn't that hard anymore, and I have come a long way in getting past the things that used to drag me down that are no longer in control of my life. The fact that I was still depressed was not a matter of a situation or my opinion of the situations. I was and am depressed because I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, and if I had never tried to get help for it, I don't know that I would be able to function on my own. I know that I will likely have to be on medication for the rest of my life, which is still something that I am trying to be ok with. I know there is nothing wrong with better living through chemistry, but having grown up in a family that hides emotions until they explode, and refuses to believe that there is something that you can't just get over, I sometimes have a hard time accepting that there is nothing more that I could have done for my depression than what I am doing now. I have a chemical imbalance that needs correction, because my brain does not make the chemicals the correct way.
Maybe one day in the future that will be able to be fixed, but as of right now, I have to do this, and there is nothing wrong with that. 

Today I decided to write because while I know that my blog does not get many readers (mostly due to my lack of a writing schedule and consistent content), I want it out there for people who do struggle with some of the same things that I have struggled with, to see that not only are there other people out there who are working through the same things or have worked through the same things, but that it can ABSOLUTELY get better. If you keep fighting, it WILL get better. 

 This week has been rough because my husband left me 5 years ago, and this year would have been the year we tried for children. I have been upset, not because he isn't in my life, because I couldn't be happier about that, but because I am not currently in a place to have children. I am a lot closer than I was 2 years ago, yes, but I am still not there yet. It saddens me but I am proud of myself for not sinking into that feeling and refusing to do anything. I am working on being the best me that I can be, because I will not be ready to bring more people into the world until I am ok with me. I will not be able to find someone to be my person until I am my own person, and love me as much as I love those around me. 

I am proud of where I am. I'm not perfect. I'm not "fixed" yet, but I am much healthier than I have been in a long time, and I am extremely proud of myself for that. Even better, while I did have my best friends help me get to that point, I did it myself. I fought for myself and continue to do so. I am the reason I am better, and the joy that brings is indescribable.  

 

Someday....

Someday, I want to be ok with myself. I want to be happy with who I am. I want to be comfortable showing the people I love how very important they are to me.
Someday, I want to find a person who isn't afraid to love me, a person who embraces my oddities and weaknesses as well as my strengths. I want to be able to openly show affection, without worrying if someone sees, or that it will ruin us. Someday, I want to find someone who helps me feel ok in my skin on days I feel like screaming and crying, even if their day isn't going the greatest either. Someday, I want to be that person for someone else.
Someday, I want to be a mom, want to hold my children close and kids their tears away, wrestle smiles on their faces with tickles and giggles. I want to celebrate their milestones, and comfort them after their failures, help them to accept their shortcomings, but move past them. Someday, I want my kids to fight with me for what they think is best, want them to stand up to me when I am assuming I know best without having the full story. I want them to know that I love them, even when they aren't perfect, but that I expect them to be their very best.

Someday, I want my life to be different. And I know I have to try harder to get that.

Always someone's ex

I am not someone's everything. I don't really want to be, but goddammit it would be the best thing in the world sometimes. It would be really nice to have someone care about me the way I care about him.....the way they care about the girls they adore. I just......dislike not being someone important to someone else. I hate it. I hate it so much. But I would hate to be someones everything, the only thing that matters to someone.
I am Izzy, but I am also George, and I am Meredith, and I am goddamn Karev, and I am fucking Jo. And right now I really hate being Izzy. because I know that I can't get by without my best friend. I know that it is not ok to be all or nothing all of the time.

But who am I to my person, is just a friend. and the only people who are interested in me are interested because their person isn't interested. God, it would just be nice to be someone's first choice.

Im having a hard time. Love is not easy, and accepting that you should let go of love is even more difficult. I want to be ok. I want to be happy. I want my life to be fuller. I know letting him go is best, and I am trying, but he keeps me focused and sane, and I know I am safe when he is around. He makes me care about me, about growing and being the best version of me that is possible. Maybe it is selfish, but it isn't nothing.

On the other hand there is the friend who calls me when he is sad and needs a friend, and I constantly have to tell him that if his wife hasn't gotten rid of her fling in 4 months, she isn't going to do so.

Forever feels like home sitting all alone

My brain has been everywhere lately. Thinking about everything that has happened, of all the feelings I can't seem to lock away right now. I tried dating. I tried random banging, and none of it changes anything. I don't know what to do. I just know that I need my best friend, especially right now, and if it stays as it is now, I will lose him. He will leave. I can't deal with that on top of everything else.
I'm an emotional disaster, trying like hell to keep my head above water. I feel crazy. I feel vulnerable and exposed. I went from not giving a fuck about anything, to going fucking nuts over stupid shit. I know it is dumb. I know I sound jealous, because I feel alone. I feel like no one cares, like I'm pointless if I'm not satisfying someone else's needs.
Pretty sure that it was a panic attack at work the other night, brought on by who knows what. I'm unstable. I'm trying to be more stable, and I need my constants. But my constants want their space and I don't know what to do but freak out. I don't know what to do when I'm alone unexpectedly. I don't know what I need to have people who I trust around without pushing them away.

Closed eyes

Another day,
just like every other day,
working until my fingers bleed.

Pain erupts,
so sudden it steals my breath,
doubles me over.

I lose time,
overwhelmed by the ache,
deep, and constant,
but increasing quickly and steadily.

I lose focus, can't keep my eyes open,
struggling to say anything,
to let someone know.

I lose strength,
body siphoning everything
to keep conscious.
The tears stream freely and openly,
not easing the pain.

People come in and leave,
ask questions I don't hear fully,
accept answers I don't remember being clear about.

So many people,
and I don't know if anyone understands.

I don't know if I'm being clear.
I don't know a lot of anything.
I know he's in the room,
next to me,
but I don't remember him coming in.

They strap me on the board,
ask questions;
laying down helps.

My pain stops being priority,
my body tries to lose consciousness.
Purple and blue blossom behind closed eyelids,
and I'm asked more questions.
I hear my babbling responses,
know that they don't track,
don't know how to explain,
know I'm not being understood.

The longer I lay down, the better I feel.
The trip to the hospital is long;
I see none of it.
The squeezing calms.

The hospital asks questions, does tests,
but gives no answers, no medicine.

The nurse writes my responses on a napkin.

I shouldn't be here.

I'm sorry.

I am sorry I can't let go easily. I'm sorry I've been a bitch lately. I'm sorry that I haven't done what I need to do to make life easier for all of us. I'm sorry I've been a pushover in a lot of ways.

I know you don't believe me, but I am trying. I really am. I know you understand depression. The problem is that you don't see and acknowledge when I'm fighting hard. You just tell me I need to do better without medicine or doctors, that I need to buckle down. I'm trying hard, and you don't seem to get it. I'm hurting and stressed.

I'm not blaming you. I know it seems like it. I know you don't want to live this way. I just....I'm trying. I know that isn't good enough. But it is all I can do.