Thursday, June 28, 2012

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

So I'm really not good at talking about things that matter to me. I can text about them, I can write on here about them all night long, but when it comes to looking at someone, or even over the phone, and telling them what is going on with my head about important things, I freeze up. I'm always scared that people are going to judge me harshly for having things that matter, or worse, that they will try to ruin the important things I want or have. I grew up in a family where that was common practice, therefore making it a legitimate fear, and now, knowing people who are, as a general rule, good people, it isn't as legit, but I have to keep myself safe.

I am terrified to show people who I am, the person behind the smiles, the jokes, the laughter and fake confidence. Under that, I'm just as scared and confused as anyone else, but I have been hurt so many times by people who were supposed to care and who convinced me that they cared, I tend to take what people tell me with a grain of salt most times. I know that I should trust better, and that I should try to show myself more to the people I care about, but it is really hard when even the man I married ended up throwing my actual self in my face like it was a terrible thing, when my family has always been the kind of family that uses trust against you, and guilts you into having less than you need or deserve. I am trying to get better at trusting, and it helps because I'm pretty sure that there is no way that Drew intends to hurt me in that way, but there is still that little voice in the back of my head, telling me that there is no possible way for me to know that. I'm so scared all the time, and I can't really explain it.

I'm actually really very scared of needles. Well, not the needle itself, or even really ..... ok. Let me change that. I'm scared of anything that punctures skin where it isn't meant to be punctured. I have no problem with earrings, or piercings in general, because they are meant to be that way by the person who gets them, but when something goes underneath the skin that isn't meant to, like when a needle inserts a vein and you can see it move just under the skin, THAT freaks me the hell out. Doesn't stop me from donating blood, but as long as I don't look at my arm I'm fine in those instances. I was sick a lot when I was living with my mother, and one of the times I went to have bloodwork done, the nurse who did my blood work could not find my vein, and dug around for a good 20 minutes. I had a HUGE bruise on my arm, and since cannot look at a needle in my skin, and the thought of something being inserted in skin where it ought not to be freaks me the hell out. Bleh

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