Tuesday, January 27, 2015

I don't wanna see tomorrow, but I don't wanna die

This week has been a lot of confusing, and heartache, and in general very difficult to get through. I had very few hours at work, I went to the last show of my favorite local band and I accepted that the guy I care about will never care about me the way I care about him. It wasn't all bad, though. I got to sleep for once, got to see a lot of people that I haven't seen in what seems like forever and I found someone who is willing to accept that I don't want to date, just have fun.

That being said, I also had 2 days this week where I woke up and honestly wished that I hadn't.

If you haven't paid attention to almost anything I have ever written, I have struggled with depression since high school. I've wanted to be dead a lot, and as morbid as it seems, I've thought of how many different ways I could die without having to actually kill myself. The past 4 years have been especially hard for this, because I had so much loss and what seemed like no gain at the time.

The last few months of last year, I didn't have more than a couple days where I hated life, and those days were based on events that happened those days.

I have found that I am worse at dealing with not wanting to live when I am alone in my apartment, seeing the way I live my life and not knowing why I still bother. I know that people need me, and I know that purpose helps me through a hell of a lot of the bad times, but when I am alone and don't feel like I am needed? Those are the worst times for me. That's when my brain goes into overdrive, reminding me that it wouldn't really matter if I overdosed on some pills, or fell asleep face-down in the bathtub, or starved to death, or had a heart attack, or fell asleep driving to crash headfirst into a semi. Those are the times that terrify me when they've passed, not because of the terribleness of those thoughts, but because of the calm clarity that comes with them, the realization that my life hasn't made a whole lot of an impact on the world as a whole.

Those are the times I have to force myself to see the small picture, to see that I have family and friends who would be, if not devastated or upset, at least severely inconvenienced by my death. I force myself to look through pictures of better times, even if those times are bittersweet now. I call a friend, or visit someone who matters to me, even if just to say hi, or not be alone.

The people who have helped me through these past 4 years know who they are, for the most part. They've seen the tears and heartaches I hide from most others. They've been there through all of it, and while some distanced themselves from what they couldn't deal with, all of them made life better just by being around.

This is something that I know I will always have to deal with. Even if everything were going perfectly, and I started up medication for it again, I would still have days where I don't want to live. The only difference between high school version of me and the present day version of me, is that the present day version of me is a lot happier on the days that aren't terrible because of the people I have found in the meantime, which honestly does make all the difference in the world.

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