Day 45: Day 1 of the rest of my life.

To Brian



We had something awesome for a while. If you had given it a chance, it really could have been something amazing, but given that you've thrown it out, I plan to live my life for myself now, and do anything by myself. I hope you have an interesting life from this point on.

To Me


I have had an interesting life. There is no instance where my life could be considered boring, which is why I'm pretty sure that I don't do crazy things or have crazy stories all the time with my friends. I have had a horrid past, and every time something starts to go boring, something else crazy happens.

I don't really regret this. I would have preferred to NOT have had a childhood where I wanted to be dead more often than not, but given the hand I was dealt, I think I did amazingly at still managing to come out even, possibly even with a couple more chips, and the phone number of the nearest guy (probably took that poker analogy too far, but whateves. I regret nothing).

I saw Brian this weekend, and while it was kind of awkward because his parents were also there, I didn't feel sad, or really even angry any more. I pitied him, that he was back exactly where he had been before I showed up: still not taking care of himself, still doing his laundry at his parents house, going back to being on their phone plan because he couldn't afford it on his own.
I haven't exactly been the picture of taking care of myself, to be fair, but I have been on my own for that kind of thing for a while now, and I'm starting off new again, with less than what I had before. I'm doing well. I'm trying my hardest to not lean on anyone too much, and am actually doing wonderfully on my own.


To Drew



The long wait will be worth it in the long run.

Day 31: A month gone by.

"And the world will fall away with indifference to lead us all astray. You can't catch me now. I've run too far to see you, and the stars, the stars will catch me."

How I felt this weekend



How I feel today


Today I finally broke down. It took a lot to realize why I was even breaking down.

He doesn't love me.
He never loved me.
He wanted me to be something different than what I was am.



I am worthy of being loved, even though I'm not perfect.
I got married because I loved who he was as my friend, figuring that he would stay my friend, and care about me otherwise.
I was mistaken. I gave my everything, and it was treated like trash, even though it was the biggest and best treasure that I could ever possibly give. I will never get all of that back, but I can rebuild, try and find who I am without someone who doesn't care about me, and just relish in the facts:

1. I have a lot of people who love me, who care about what I think and feel, who see me for who I am as well as where I'm going, and have faith that even when I make mistakes and bad choices, I will turn out ok.

2. My love is valuable to a lot of people. There are people who would have given any thing to have what he threw out. If he ever realizes exactly what he has given up thrown out, I hope that he hurts half as much as I hurt when he left, because that will still be more than he is capable of dealing with. When he realizes just how amazing I am, and that he'll never find someone who will love him as much as I did, I hope he knows better than to try to earn my forgiveness. I'm way past that. He ruined a beautiful life because he wasn't ready for it, when it was what he thought he wanted in the first place. He hurt an amazing person who deserved so much better than what he was willing to give, because he wasn't willing to give anything.

3. I wasn't perfect. I am not an easy person to live with. I cling to the past pretty often, and while, yes, it is unreasonable to spring that on someone who is expecting easy sailing, he should have known what he was getting into. He knew everything about me before I ever started dating him. His expectation that I would just get over my past because I got married was unreasonable, and unkind. I never expected him to change into anything different than what he was, so the fact that he wanted me to be someone else was unfair and unreasonable.

4. I am sometimes childish. Who isn't? But when it comes to important things, I buckle down and get things done if it is what I want. He, on the other hand, is being nothing but unhelpful when it comes to the divorce and getting out of this marriage, which is what he so claims to want. I'm trying to get in touch with him so that I can get things set up, and he won't respond to anything. The bills that he was supposed to help with when I was out of a job for a month, are still behind and unpaid because he won't accept any sort of responsibility for them.

5. I can do anything I put my mind to. Even starting over with nothing, no, less than nothing, I am still going to manage to come out of this all ok. I will be so much happier and in such a better place than I was in when he left, because I had been working for several months to find a job that uses my skills and that I can enjoy. I found one that can and probably will lead to a career, which is such a huge step for me! I'm so excited about that.

Step 1: Find a place to call my own, and find a way to separate myself from him without having to wait for him to do it.
Step 2: ??????
Step 3: Profit as a person.

Day 28: Discovering me?

How I feel today



It is scary to have reached a point where I'm not quite sure what is facade and what is me anymore. Right now it seems like I'm always just covering up my pain and hurt because I can't deal with it, let alone try to let other people see it. I just.... feel really weird because I don't know how to turn that off. I don't want to deal with everything, and it is like I can't take off the security blanket of safeness. That is a redundant statement kind of but I don't care. I don't know who I am again, and that is just a really odd feeling, when I know that I had figured out who I was and what I stood for and believed in before Brian and I started dating. I have to re-evaluate what it means to be Pam, working on getting divorced, trying to understand what the hell is wrong with me that I can't keep anyone happy longer than a year and six months, including myself.

I think the problem is that I don't know how to be happy for me, how to let myself worry about my own issues before anyone else's problems. I feel like Monday is going to be hellish for me, because even typing this out, I know that when I have a chance to spend a day thinking I will end up breaking down, thinking about not just the recent craziness, but the issues that I've kept away for a long time, like my relationship with my mother, my lack of a father because of an unfair world, my failure at college, my failure to save money ever, and why I have such an issue taking care of myself and my wellness.

So yeah. Need to figure out how to be happy without anyone making me that way. Need to deal with past issues. Really need to do this on Monday, and Friday, because Saturday will not be an appropriate day to do that, as Joycie is getting married and I intend to have a good time.
~Pam