Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Day 31: A month gone by.

"And the world will fall away with indifference to lead us all astray. You can't catch me now. I've run too far to see you, and the stars, the stars will catch me."

How I felt this weekend

How I feel today

Today I finally broke down. It took a lot to realize why I was even breaking down.

He doesn't love me.
He never loved me.
He wanted me to be something different than what I was am.

I am worthy of being loved, even though I'm not perfect.
I got married because I loved who he was as my friend, figuring that he would stay my friend, and care about me otherwise.
I was mistaken. I gave my everything, and it was treated like trash, even though it was the biggest and best treasure that I could ever possibly give. I will never get all of that back, but I can rebuild, try and find who I am without someone who doesn't care about me, and just relish in the facts:

1. I have a lot of people who love me, who care about what I think and feel, who see me for who I am as well as where I'm going, and have faith that even when I make mistakes and bad choices, I will turn out ok.

2. My love is valuable to a lot of people. There are people who would have given any thing to have what he threw out. If he ever realizes exactly what he has given up thrown out, I hope that he hurts half as much as I hurt when he left, because that will still be more than he is capable of dealing with. When he realizes just how amazing I am, and that he'll never find someone who will love him as much as I did, I hope he knows better than to try to earn my forgiveness. I'm way past that. He ruined a beautiful life because he wasn't ready for it, when it was what he thought he wanted in the first place. He hurt an amazing person who deserved so much better than what he was willing to give, because he wasn't willing to give anything.

3. I wasn't perfect. I am not an easy person to live with. I cling to the past pretty often, and while, yes, it is unreasonable to spring that on someone who is expecting easy sailing, he should have known what he was getting into. He knew everything about me before I ever started dating him. His expectation that I would just get over my past because I got married was unreasonable, and unkind. I never expected him to change into anything different than what he was, so the fact that he wanted me to be someone else was unfair and unreasonable.

4. I am sometimes childish. Who isn't? But when it comes to important things, I buckle down and get things done if it is what I want. He, on the other hand, is being nothing but unhelpful when it comes to the divorce and getting out of this marriage, which is what he so claims to want. I'm trying to get in touch with him so that I can get things set up, and he won't respond to anything. The bills that he was supposed to help with when I was out of a job for a month, are still behind and unpaid because he won't accept any sort of responsibility for them.

5. I can do anything I put my mind to. Even starting over with nothing, no, less than nothing, I am still going to manage to come out of this all ok. I will be so much happier and in such a better place than I was in when he left, because I had been working for several months to find a job that uses my skills and that I can enjoy. I found one that can and probably will lead to a career, which is such a huge step for me! I'm so excited about that.

Step 1: Find a place to call my own, and find a way to separate myself from him without having to wait for him to do it.
Step 2: ??????
Step 3: Profit as a person.


  1. You are so very strong and beautiful, Pam, you are an inspiration to me. Love you, and am always here.
    I can't believe it's been a month already, the time is going too fast.

  2. I love you too Kelsi pants. For you it is going fast. This month has gone so slow for me, but it gets easier each day.


Johnny 5 needs more input