Day 25: I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.

How I feel today


I had a day off, and managed to get through more clothes, even though I still have probably 2 more full trash bags of stuff for Goodwill. I also cried again. It is so hard to try to deal with everything as though nothing is wrong, and while talking to my redwings fan helps immensely, my phone has been off so I haven't been able to talk to him. Being able to talk to him on Facebook is helpful too, and he catches me off guard, saying things on occasion that give me butterflies even though he is so far away.

I am just so terrified and conflicted. I adore him, but I'm still hurt, broken, healing from what my husband has done to me, continues to do, as he still won't file for divorce. He believes that he didn't do a damn thing wrong, and that I am just being a baby about everything, and doing things to piss him off. I just want this to be over, and to be able to function again.

I want to start over, to try things my way for a while. I want to learn who I am, what is important to me, who matters in my life, and how to take care of myself without worrying about how it will affect other people. That last one is the hard one. I already have a good idea on the others, but I have never been good at taking care of myself before everyone else. I feel like that is an important thing for me now, as I am working on my own career, and actually being a grown up with responsibilities. This is such a huge change for me, like everything that has happened in the past 25 days, and I'm kind of confused about it.

Things I need to do ASAP(like before the end of May):
Actually put in the application for the apartment complex.
FIND A LAWYER!!!!!
Get a bed and/or couch, and maybe a tv stand?

~Pam

Nerds unite.

One of my friends posted a question to a bunch of us that I've been pondering over for the past day and a half.
"Theoretical question for my nerds: If, for some reason, you were given divinity and a domain that matched YOU, what do you think it would be? I don`t mean what would you want, but what do you think you would be given? And please be honest with this."
I think that I might have an answer for it, but it is something that should be thought about quite carefully so that you are honest and not just saying what you would want to have.

I'm pretty sure that I'd be in some part Chaos, as I really REALLY cannot STAND order. But I'm pretty sure that I'd also be something like Despair. I don't really know a better way to put that because that isn't exactly right. I manage to prosper through disparity and so that is the best way that I can put it. Anyway, I figured I should share this question here to see what other people thought. So let me know. There is a comment section right down there.

Pam