Day 25: I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.

How I feel today


I had a day off, and managed to get through more clothes, even though I still have probably 2 more full trash bags of stuff for Goodwill. I also cried again. It is so hard to try to deal with everything as though nothing is wrong, and while talking to my redwings fan helps immensely, my phone has been off so I haven't been able to talk to him. Being able to talk to him on Facebook is helpful too, and he catches me off guard, saying things on occasion that give me butterflies even though he is so far away.

I am just so terrified and conflicted. I adore him, but I'm still hurt, broken, healing from what my husband has done to me, continues to do, as he still won't file for divorce. He believes that he didn't do a damn thing wrong, and that I am just being a baby about everything, and doing things to piss him off. I just want this to be over, and to be able to function again.

I want to start over, to try things my way for a while. I want to learn who I am, what is important to me, who matters in my life, and how to take care of myself without worrying about how it will affect other people. That last one is the hard one. I already have a good idea on the others, but I have never been good at taking care of myself before everyone else. I feel like that is an important thing for me now, as I am working on my own career, and actually being a grown up with responsibilities. This is such a huge change for me, like everything that has happened in the past 25 days, and I'm kind of confused about it.

Things I need to do ASAP(like before the end of May):
Actually put in the application for the apartment complex.
FIND A LAWYER!!!!!
Get a bed and/or couch, and maybe a tv stand?

~Pam

Day 16: F M L

How I feel today


Today was rough. I had to finish all of the training videos, as tomorrow I work all by myself all day. I went over all of the different things that I had to do tomorrow and think that I will manage to do them alright.

I thought about my actual feelings today. It hurt, and right now my chest feels like someone shoved a white hot poker through my back straight into my heart. I love who Brian used to be, but, hell, we hadn't really been a couple in months. He treated me awfully, I was not as attentive due to being completely stressed, and he walked away.

A couple years ago, that would have sent me into a downward spiral, where I would take happiness from anyone that I could, and keep it all for myself, leaving them broken and bruised. I'm not that person any more (thank the gods), and in my trying to say as such, I might have chased away someone who was very dear to me.

Feelings suck. They are necessary though, so no matter how hurt I am, I can't just use people to take their happiness. I can't be her again. Jack is away for good reason, and I can't risk myself that way.

I just really care about someone, enough that I might have lost them so they didn't end up with someone as awful as me. And then I remembered how not awful I am, but it might be too late. How do you fix mistakes like that?

~Pam