Day 16: F M L

How I feel today


Today was rough. I had to finish all of the training videos, as tomorrow I work all by myself all day. I went over all of the different things that I had to do tomorrow and think that I will manage to do them alright.

I thought about my actual feelings today. It hurt, and right now my chest feels like someone shoved a white hot poker through my back straight into my heart. I love who Brian used to be, but, hell, we hadn't really been a couple in months. He treated me awfully, I was not as attentive due to being completely stressed, and he walked away.

A couple years ago, that would have sent me into a downward spiral, where I would take happiness from anyone that I could, and keep it all for myself, leaving them broken and bruised. I'm not that person any more (thank the gods), and in my trying to say as such, I might have chased away someone who was very dear to me.

Feelings suck. They are necessary though, so no matter how hurt I am, I can't just use people to take their happiness. I can't be her again. Jack is away for good reason, and I can't risk myself that way.

I just really care about someone, enough that I might have lost them so they didn't end up with someone as awful as me. And then I remembered how not awful I am, but it might be too late. How do you fix mistakes like that?

~Pam