Whatever it is, its just sitting there laughing at me and I just want to scream

What now?

Now, I ignore all of it and just work on being a good friend. I'm not meant to be more than that.

The Door

Yesterday, I came home, and the door was locked, and I wanted to cry, because I knew he was with her again.

I have no right to be upset by that. He isn't mine. But no matter how much my brain says it, my heart protests, having claimed him as its own ages ago.

He's the one person I can talk to about almost anything. He teases and picks and talks things through and consoles. He is there when things are rough and I can't deal, to yell at me until I get my head out of my ass. But I can't talk to him about this. The issue is too personal, hurts too much, and he doesn't want to talk about it any more than I do.

Lestat keeps calling him my boyfriend, not realizing how very cruel he is being. He doesn't want that from me, never has. Even when we were physical, he was never how he is with girls he is interested in. It hurts and I have no idea why. I have no idea why I don't rate higher in his book than friend, but I can't do anything about it.

Today, I came home, and the door was unlocked, and I wanted to cry, because I knew he was still here, waiting for me.

Perfectly Flawed

I always think to myself that I know what I am doing. I tell myself I have it figured out, and know what each step is.

Then he is around, and I can't think straight. I know that the co-dependence we have isn't ok, and I can't help but go with it because I don't want him to not be in my life.

He has been here for almost a week. He started cleaning my apartment, and he makes me food when I am too tired to function. He reminds me of things I am supposed to do to survive and doesn't want anything from me, since he has a chick to bang.

When I can't help but think that I am only ever good enough to bang for a while, he reminds me that I am wanted around, unlike Lestat, who comes around whenever he's hard up for someone to bang, because I'm good and available pretty much whenever, and he doesn't tend to care too much about if it is good for either of us. The boy will be here as long as I want him around, and leave if I say to, unless I have a bad reason for it, because he knows I can't be alone for too long, and he doesn't do too well alone either.

It is a terrible co-dependence, mostly because I have no idea what he gets out of it, apart from dealing with my bullshit all the damn time.

Love and all its complications

Sometimes, I wish I didn't know how to love. I wish that I didn't have such a big heart and didn't care so deeply about so many.

Right now is definitely one of those times.

There is Eddie, that first meant-to-be guy who I ran away from when things got serious. He's back in my life and those feelings didn't go away. He makes me smile and feel safe and happy. He's a romantic heart, the only guy to ever buy me flowers. He doesn't fight with me, and ends up bowing to my will all the time.

There is.....let's call him Lestat. He challenges me, plays with me, fights me. He makes me feel wanted, until he makes me feel scared. He makes me bend to his will sometimes being too forceful, and that lack of control is as outstanding as it is terrifying. He also isn't interested in more than just messing around.

Then there is the guy I can't help but be around. He makes me feel happy and needed and vulnerable without being controlling. He challenges me to think for myself about myself, and pushes me to grow past challenges as soon as they pop up. He lets me cry long enough to release, then talks me through the tears with reminders of my strength and courage and stubbornness. He reminds me that I am the Lady's granddaughter, and can get through anything. He fights with me when I'm being too bullheaded to think things through, and yet still listens to my point of view. He shows he cares one minute, and then the next is off to go see about a girl. He knows it hurts, and pretends not to know. He's the perfect blend of Eddie and Lestat, and for all of that, he is somehow also worse than them, because he doesn't get it by choice.

What do you do when your heart aches for those who don't want you, and feels damn near nothing for those who care with all of themselves? What do you do when you have to watch the guy you care about make terrible choices and pretend not to care?  How do you deal with that? I can't even say anything about it without being told just to let it go. Hell, even when I don't say anything about it I'm told to let it go by other people. He knows and ignores it, the one subject we don't talk about. He helps me when I'm down and makes things easier for me because he refuses to let me mope. Between Lestat and this one, it reminds me of Blood by In This Moment, the dual nature of loving the negatives and hating the positives of people, specifically "I hate you for the sacrifices you make for me....I hate you for never taking control of me. I hate you for always saving me from myself. I hate you for always choosing me and not someone else. I hate you for always pulling me back from the edge. I hate you for every good word you ever said.......
I love the way you dominate and you violate me....I love you for the way you look when you lie to me. I love you for never believing in what I say. I love you for never once giving me my way. I love you for never delivering me from pain. I love you for always driving me insane."  The amount this fits my life right now is just......annoying. I can't even process this anymore.

Strengths and Weaknesses

As far as I know, I am human.

This means that I have many virtues and hubrises to my character.

I tend to be stubborn, which is sometimes good, and sometimes terrible. I consider it a strength more often than not, though at times, I know that my unwillingness to bend has caused a lot more pain in a lot of situations.

A Day in the Life

Currently, I don't have many days that I would consider to be typical. I do a lot of different things.

For the most part, I spend my nights working, and my days are generally spent with my brothers or sleeping. I'm one of those third shift people, those who live in the dark hours out of choice because it means that that accursed sun cannot burn us or annoy us with its cheerful waking.

I have been a night owl for as long as most people can remember. At 5, I was the kind of kid who had multiple flashlights taken away because I would spend the night up reading. Now, I spend fewer nights up all night reading as I do working or playing video games, which I am mildly sad about, but also kind of happy about, because video games help hand-eye coordination, which is why I can type well. It is a very good use of your brain when you have to figure out different kinds of puzzles in the game and all of that. Working all night means that I am making money to support myself, which I am also very fond of doing.

Some days, I hang out with my brother and his roommate, because they are 2 of my best friends, and I don't know what I would do without them. They keep me entertained when I am bored, make sure that I take helpful medicines when I should, and talk it out with me when I don't know what the hell I am doing with my life. I can't even explain how much I owe to those boys.

Some days, I work all night and into the day, and then hang out with other guy friends. Sometimes, I go home and sleep (though that almost never happens). Sometimes I call up a friend to go on a random trip in the middle of the night for Del Taco, or for IHOP. I don't tend to keep a schedule, because for me, life it too short to do the same thing day in and day out. And if I ever get predictable, I tend to make a big change in my life.

The love of love

I have never been able to release myself from the desire to run away from what I want every time I have the ability to get it. I give my everything, or my nothing. I hate it, more than almost anything, but I cling to it. I want to live my life, and find someone to love, who will love me. I want a family, and eventually, I want to be able to show my kids that I did something worthwhile with my life. I want to be someone my kids can look up to. And I don't know that I will ever be able to do that, considering that right now, my life is kinda like Barney's mom's life in How I Met Your Mother.
I am a good person, but human, full of hubris like anyone else. And that is what has gotten me in trouble. The idea of being in love is an amazing thing to me, and I so desperately want that that I have always made my relationships that all or nothing feeling. I am not trying to do that anymore.
If I wanted to cling to my past, I could have happiness, at least for a little bit. I could follow the boy when he leaves, risk everything for a chance I missed 5 years ago, or I could pretend that I don't feel anything for him and let him leave without me, risking never seeing him again. I just don't know what to do about it, since I don't really want to leave my home, but I dont want to lose this shot either.

Feelings suck. I wish I really didn't have them.

Life to this point: A rare chance at perspective

Hello all.

I know, I know, I haven't been on in a while. Things got... well... complicated.


Last we spoke, I was attempting to get out of a whirlwind romance, one that cost me everything I had worked so hard after my divorce to earn. He is still attempting to win me back. It took me a bit, but I managed to do what I didn't think I could: I am back on my feet, working 2 jobs, with my own apartment, and starting school again on Monday.


I had my housewarming party, at which I'm pretty sure a majority of people who read this blog were present. It was a good night, full of memories, alcohol, delicious foods, serious discussions, movie trivia, ridiculous internet clips, and family. I'm not actually related to a single one of them by blood, but trust me, every one of them is family to me in some way shape or form. I was again reminded how very, very lucky I am to have the guys in my life (which actually does include a few females). They are crazy, and loving, and make sure that I get completely plastered when the opportunity is favorable ha.


I am no longer taking my anti-depression meds. They were hurting more than they were helping, and now that I am home again things seem better. I had a bit of a scary time there, where I went to the bar every night because it was the only way I could feel anything. At that point I had been couch surfing for 2 months, and my morale was at an all-time low. Luckily, I am feeling better, and going to the bar once a week is less about getting drunk, and more about spending time with people I know. I know it still isn't the most healthy thing to do, but I am 24 years old, and need to do more than just work all the time. Social interaction is necessary to live.


I am terrified that I'm going to mess up again, but this time, I know that I am at home, and that I have people nearby to remind me of everything for which I've worked so hard, everything I can't afford to throw away again. I am going back to school, which I have been trying to do almost since I left in 2009. I decided on Psychology as a degree, because what better way to help people? What better way to learn more about people? It is what I love to do, and what I believe I am skilled at doing.


All in all, I have spent the past year healing, making mistakes, and trying new things. I have been hurt, had to start from scratch a few times, but at the end of all of that, I am here, stronger, better, wiser, and most importantly, living for the first time in GOD KNOWS how long. And anyone who doesn't like that, well, I don't know if I really need them in my life anymore now, do I?

Apparently I'm not as over it as I thought.

I had a fun wake-up call today, well, wake-up text as it were. I was thinking of an old friend, and sent a text to see what was up, concerned but also I have a lot on my plate. She sent back a wall of text saying she can't be the person I need her to be, that she has to worry about her own things, and has grown a lot in the past few months without me. I had thought I was the kind of person who, if you have a problem, you can talk to me about it. Neither here nor there though. The point is, I am 23 years old, as of Easter have been separated/divorced for a year, and keep finding myself in situations that push me to break, where I have to talk to someone to try to wrap my head around it. Unfortunately, because I have had to be so strong, anything that overburdens me is too much for people to handle. I might need to look into an actual therapist.

In other news, got into a crazy whirlwind romance, and am having issues getting out of it. The one that got away back in the day popped back up, and I can't let that go a second time. I would go more into it, but now is an awful time, as I'm going to lose my apartment Monday and found out my mother has precancerous cells in her uterus. I could use a friend, and have found that mine are all too far away, and that I really could care less most of the time anymore. My meds aren't really helping me anymore, and I don't know what more to do. I need to get out of this place and explore for a while, but I can't. I am trapped, scared, alone, and I don't know what to do.

Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

1. Horrific grammar and spelling drive me up the wall, especially when it is from someone who is a manager or otherwise is above me in the social or economical hierarchy. My district manager pretty consistently says irregardless, the reason is because, and he thought that carpe diem, was spelled karpe deim. I just.. It makes my brain hurt.

2. I cannot stand it when someone I do not know touches me. It is very hard for me to not freak out and punch them in the face.

3. I hate it when someone is walking behind me right in my blind spot. I dated someone who thought that was the most hilarious thing in the entire world, and he didn't understand how very bad it freaked me out.

4. Even worse than that, I HATE it when a guy treats me like I am a pretty princess who needs to be coddled and taken care of. Yes, it is nice that you want to hold open the door or any other random thing you would do for anyone out of politeness. However, I do not need you to pull my chair out for me, or walk between me and traffic when we are walking on the sidewalks. I will freak out.

5. On that note, I hate it when guys walk on my right. There is only one guy who has ever been able to do it without bothering me, and I've known him since 4th grade. I know that this is a really weird thing, but I just can't do it.

6. TURN SIGNAL, THEN SLOW DOWN. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. GAH!

7. A guy treating you like a princess is bad, but a guy treating you like a slave is even worse.

8. When someone has an awful past, and you have absolutely no way to understand what it is they are going through, you have NO place to tell them to get over it. Also, just because you have had a bad life and got through fine does not mean that everyone is able to, and making them feel badly because of that is wrong.

9. If you don't know the words to a song, do not make up new ones, unless you are weird Al.

10. I hate it when metal appliances are not shiny. If there are water spots, I feel like it is ugly and gross.

Most embarrassing moment

Well I have certainly had a lot of embarrassing moments, but the one that really takes the cake would have to be in 5th grade, when I accidentally flashed my entire class. I do not feel I need to elaborate on that at all.