Perfectly Flawed

I always think to myself that I know what I am doing. I tell myself I have it figured out, and know what each step is.

Then he is around, and I can't think straight. I know that the co-dependence we have isn't ok, and I can't help but go with it because I don't want him to not be in my life.

He has been here for almost a week. He started cleaning my apartment, and he makes me food when I am too tired to function. He reminds me of things I am supposed to do to survive and doesn't want anything from me, since he has a chick to bang.

When I can't help but think that I am only ever good enough to bang for a while, he reminds me that I am wanted around, unlike Lestat, who comes around whenever he's hard up for someone to bang, because I'm good and available pretty much whenever, and he doesn't tend to care too much about if it is good for either of us. The boy will be here as long as I want him around, and leave if I say to, unless I have a bad reason for it, because he knows I can't be alone for too long, and he doesn't do too well alone either.

It is a terrible co-dependence, mostly because I have no idea what he gets out of it, apart from dealing with my bullshit all the damn time.

Love and all its complications

Sometimes, I wish I didn't know how to love. I wish that I didn't have such a big heart and didn't care so deeply about so many.

Right now is definitely one of those times.

There is Eddie, that first meant-to-be guy who I ran away from when things got serious. He's back in my life and those feelings didn't go away. He makes me smile and feel safe and happy. He's a romantic heart, the only guy to ever buy me flowers. He doesn't fight with me, and ends up bowing to my will all the time.

There is.....let's call him Lestat. He challenges me, plays with me, fights me. He makes me feel wanted, until he makes me feel scared. He makes me bend to his will sometimes being too forceful, and that lack of control is as outstanding as it is terrifying. He also isn't interested in more than just messing around.

Then there is the guy I can't help but be around. He makes me feel happy and needed and vulnerable without being controlling. He challenges me to think for myself about myself, and pushes me to grow past challenges as soon as they pop up. He lets me cry long enough to release, then talks me through the tears with reminders of my strength and courage and stubbornness. He reminds me that I am the Lady's granddaughter, and can get through anything. He fights with me when I'm being too bullheaded to think things through, and yet still listens to my point of view. He shows he cares one minute, and then the next is off to go see about a girl. He knows it hurts, and pretends not to know. He's the perfect blend of Eddie and Lestat, and for all of that, he is somehow also worse than them, because he doesn't get it by choice.

What do you do when your heart aches for those who don't want you, and feels damn near nothing for those who care with all of themselves? What do you do when you have to watch the guy you care about make terrible choices and pretend not to care?  How do you deal with that? I can't even say anything about it without being told just to let it go. Hell, even when I don't say anything about it I'm told to let it go by other people. He knows and ignores it, the one subject we don't talk about. He helps me when I'm down and makes things easier for me because he refuses to let me mope. Between Lestat and this one, it reminds me of Blood by In This Moment, the dual nature of loving the negatives and hating the positives of people, specifically "I hate you for the sacrifices you make for me....I hate you for never taking control of me. I hate you for always saving me from myself. I hate you for always choosing me and not someone else. I hate you for always pulling me back from the edge. I hate you for every good word you ever said.......
I love the way you dominate and you violate me....I love you for the way you look when you lie to me. I love you for never believing in what I say. I love you for never once giving me my way. I love you for never delivering me from pain. I love you for always driving me insane."  The amount this fits my life right now is just......annoying. I can't even process this anymore.

Strengths and Weaknesses

As far as I know, I am human.

This means that I have many virtues and hubrises to my character.

I tend to be stubborn, which is sometimes good, and sometimes terrible. I consider it a strength more often than not, though at times, I know that my unwillingness to bend has caused a lot more pain in a lot of situations.

A Day in the Life

Currently, I don't have many days that I would consider to be typical. I do a lot of different things.

For the most part, I spend my nights working, and my days are generally spent with my brothers or sleeping. I'm one of those third shift people, those who live in the dark hours out of choice because it means that that accursed sun cannot burn us or annoy us with its cheerful waking.

I have been a night owl for as long as most people can remember. At 5, I was the kind of kid who had multiple flashlights taken away because I would spend the night up reading. Now, I spend fewer nights up all night reading as I do working or playing video games, which I am mildly sad about, but also kind of happy about, because video games help hand-eye coordination, which is why I can type well. It is a very good use of your brain when you have to figure out different kinds of puzzles in the game and all of that. Working all night means that I am making money to support myself, which I am also very fond of doing.

Some days, I hang out with my brother and his roommate, because they are 2 of my best friends, and I don't know what I would do without them. They keep me entertained when I am bored, make sure that I take helpful medicines when I should, and talk it out with me when I don't know what the hell I am doing with my life. I can't even explain how much I owe to those boys.

Some days, I work all night and into the day, and then hang out with other guy friends. Sometimes, I go home and sleep (though that almost never happens). Sometimes I call up a friend to go on a random trip in the middle of the night for Del Taco, or for IHOP. I don't tend to keep a schedule, because for me, life it too short to do the same thing day in and day out. And if I ever get predictable, I tend to make a big change in my life.

The love of love

I have never been able to release myself from the desire to run away from what I want every time I have the ability to get it. I give my everything, or my nothing. I hate it, more than almost anything, but I cling to it. I want to live my life, and find someone to love, who will love me. I want a family, and eventually, I want to be able to show my kids that I did something worthwhile with my life. I want to be someone my kids can look up to. And I don't know that I will ever be able to do that, considering that right now, my life is kinda like Barney's mom's life in How I Met Your Mother.
I am a good person, but human, full of hubris like anyone else. And that is what has gotten me in trouble. The idea of being in love is an amazing thing to me, and I so desperately want that that I have always made my relationships that all or nothing feeling. I am not trying to do that anymore.
If I wanted to cling to my past, I could have happiness, at least for a little bit. I could follow the boy when he leaves, risk everything for a chance I missed 5 years ago, or I could pretend that I don't feel anything for him and let him leave without me, risking never seeing him again. I just don't know what to do about it, since I don't really want to leave my home, but I dont want to lose this shot either.

Feelings suck. I wish I really didn't have them.

Life to this point: A rare chance at perspective

Hello all.

I know, I know, I haven't been on in a while. Things got... well... complicated.


Last we spoke, I was attempting to get out of a whirlwind romance, one that cost me everything I had worked so hard after my divorce to earn. He is still attempting to win me back. It took me a bit, but I managed to do what I didn't think I could: I am back on my feet, working 2 jobs, with my own apartment, and starting school again on Monday.


I had my housewarming party, at which I'm pretty sure a majority of people who read this blog were present. It was a good night, full of memories, alcohol, delicious foods, serious discussions, movie trivia, ridiculous internet clips, and family. I'm not actually related to a single one of them by blood, but trust me, every one of them is family to me in some way shape or form. I was again reminded how very, very lucky I am to have the guys in my life (which actually does include a few females). They are crazy, and loving, and make sure that I get completely plastered when the opportunity is favorable ha.


I am no longer taking my anti-depression meds. They were hurting more than they were helping, and now that I am home again things seem better. I had a bit of a scary time there, where I went to the bar every night because it was the only way I could feel anything. At that point I had been couch surfing for 2 months, and my morale was at an all-time low. Luckily, I am feeling better, and going to the bar once a week is less about getting drunk, and more about spending time with people I know. I know it still isn't the most healthy thing to do, but I am 24 years old, and need to do more than just work all the time. Social interaction is necessary to live.


I am terrified that I'm going to mess up again, but this time, I know that I am at home, and that I have people nearby to remind me of everything for which I've worked so hard, everything I can't afford to throw away again. I am going back to school, which I have been trying to do almost since I left in 2009. I decided on Psychology as a degree, because what better way to help people? What better way to learn more about people? It is what I love to do, and what I believe I am skilled at doing.


All in all, I have spent the past year healing, making mistakes, and trying new things. I have been hurt, had to start from scratch a few times, but at the end of all of that, I am here, stronger, better, wiser, and most importantly, living for the first time in GOD KNOWS how long. And anyone who doesn't like that, well, I don't know if I really need them in my life anymore now, do I?

Apparently I'm not as over it as I thought.

I had a fun wake-up call today, well, wake-up text as it were. I was thinking of an old friend, and sent a text to see what was up, concerned but also I have a lot on my plate. She sent back a wall of text saying she can't be the person I need her to be, that she has to worry about her own things, and has grown a lot in the past few months without me. I had thought I was the kind of person who, if you have a problem, you can talk to me about it. Neither here nor there though. The point is, I am 23 years old, as of Easter have been separated/divorced for a year, and keep finding myself in situations that push me to break, where I have to talk to someone to try to wrap my head around it. Unfortunately, because I have had to be so strong, anything that overburdens me is too much for people to handle. I might need to look into an actual therapist.

In other news, got into a crazy whirlwind romance, and am having issues getting out of it. The one that got away back in the day popped back up, and I can't let that go a second time. I would go more into it, but now is an awful time, as I'm going to lose my apartment Monday and found out my mother has precancerous cells in her uterus. I could use a friend, and have found that mine are all too far away, and that I really could care less most of the time anymore. My meds aren't really helping me anymore, and I don't know what more to do. I need to get out of this place and explore for a while, but I can't. I am trapped, scared, alone, and I don't know what to do.

Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

1. Horrific grammar and spelling drive me up the wall, especially when it is from someone who is a manager or otherwise is above me in the social or economical hierarchy. My district manager pretty consistently says irregardless, the reason is because, and he thought that carpe diem, was spelled karpe deim. I just.. It makes my brain hurt.

2. I cannot stand it when someone I do not know touches me. It is very hard for me to not freak out and punch them in the face.

3. I hate it when someone is walking behind me right in my blind spot. I dated someone who thought that was the most hilarious thing in the entire world, and he didn't understand how very bad it freaked me out.

4. Even worse than that, I HATE it when a guy treats me like I am a pretty princess who needs to be coddled and taken care of. Yes, it is nice that you want to hold open the door or any other random thing you would do for anyone out of politeness. However, I do not need you to pull my chair out for me, or walk between me and traffic when we are walking on the sidewalks. I will freak out.

5. On that note, I hate it when guys walk on my right. There is only one guy who has ever been able to do it without bothering me, and I've known him since 4th grade. I know that this is a really weird thing, but I just can't do it.

6. TURN SIGNAL, THEN SLOW DOWN. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. GAH!

7. A guy treating you like a princess is bad, but a guy treating you like a slave is even worse.

8. When someone has an awful past, and you have absolutely no way to understand what it is they are going through, you have NO place to tell them to get over it. Also, just because you have had a bad life and got through fine does not mean that everyone is able to, and making them feel badly because of that is wrong.

9. If you don't know the words to a song, do not make up new ones, unless you are weird Al.

10. I hate it when metal appliances are not shiny. If there are water spots, I feel like it is ugly and gross.

Most embarrassing moment

Well I have certainly had a lot of embarrassing moments, but the one that really takes the cake would have to be in 5th grade, when I accidentally flashed my entire class. I do not feel I need to elaborate on that at all.

From the moment I wake, I plan my escape

Sometimes I forget how very lucky I am in my life.

Yes, I understand that my past has seemed anything but lucky. However, I managed to survive all of those things, and I'm still managing alright.

Things aren't perfect for me. Not even close, but I have some things so much more important than perfection.

Love.
Respect.
Honor.


And sometimes I don't tell myself this enough, but I'm actually starting to believe that:

I am intelligent.
I am beautiful.
I am needed.


A year ago, I felt disgusting, pointless, and overwhelmed. I was losing my husband day by day, and noticed it, but couldn't bring myself to care. I was scaring the people close to me as my apathy overtook who I am as a friend.

I was close to dead, not in the sense of dying, more in the sense of being stagnant, of not living. When I think about it now, I realize why Brian would freak out. It isn't out of the question to freak out when someone has been laying in the exact same place for a day and a half. It isn't out of the question to worry when someone looks at you with dead eyes, no compassion or caring in them. More often than not, I would be aware of it, and feel trapped, not able to feel or show anything even though I was aware he was scared.

This year, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a family of friends who love and support me, who are proud of everything that I have managed to accomplish in the past year. I have a plan for coming home to be with them more often, and I know that I am able to do anything I put my mind to. I have blood family enough to care, and 2 younger siblings who love me dearly, and 1 who tries, sometimes. I have a place to sleep every night, food enough to get by, and clothes to wear.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how

1.Andrew Groot. My brother. If I had never met this kid, I would be nowhere near the person that I am today. He was my "first kiss" (of course, to anyone else it doesn't count but we find it amusing), and while there are times I want to beat him up for telling the same story verbatim to several different groups and for being smarter than I am, I am beyond proud of him, and glad to have him as family.

2.Jessica Blakely. My sister. Junior year was not a good year for me. That was the closest I ever came to actually killing myself, and if it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't be here. Whether we are around each other as often as we would like or not, I know she will always be in my life.

3.Jeremy Hasenbalg. My biggest mistake. He was the first person to show me that I am beautiful in a way that I could see too. He taught me about importance of passion in life, and showed me exactly who I was at that point in my life. I didn't like who I saw, and so I changed it. I almost ruined the start of his relationship with the woman he's loved for over a decade, and I am so glad that now, several years later, they have become engaged and are still happy and working on doing things they love. He taught me to keep doing what you love, and to be true to who you are, regardless of the situation in which you've found yourself.

4.Ann Poggali. My junior year English teacher. She knew what was going on at home, understood why I wasn't doing well in her class, even though I was smart enough that I should have been ace-ing her class. She pushed me hard, didn't let me give up even when things were at their most bleak. She let me stay after school in her class so that I could do my school work, or so that I could talk. She showed me that there are always solutions to difficult problems, if you're determined enough to find them.

5.Richard Allen Bovee Jr. My dad. Every day, I question what I do, try to see if what I do would make him proud. I still don't always make the best choices, but I do try my hardest, and I think that makes all the difference.

6.Kathy DeHaan-Hunter. My mom. She was always there for a conversation or a laugh as I was growing up, and her kitchen was a safe place to discuss anything that was going on at home that I needed to talk about without worry it would get back to my mother. Now that I'm older, I don't visit nearly as often as I should, but I know that when I do, there will always be a spot around the kitchen island for me, and that if I have something going on that I can't figure out, she will try her best to give me advice, or if she can't do that, she will at least try to provide a laugh. She was one of the first people I went to tell that Brian left me. I was still crying, an emotional disaster, and she understood, hugged me tightly, cried with me and talked with me until I couldn't talk any more, and helped me to laugh a little, even though it hurt. If I had never met my Kathy mom, I would not be the well rounded, beautiful person that I am on the inside, and I probably would have been one of those people who have awful childhoods and that follows them throughout life so that they make bad decisions and end up selling drugs or worse. She has always been my spiritual rock, and while I don't share the exact same beliefs that she does, she has a big impact on how I view my spiritual relationship with life. There are not enough words in the world to describe the love I have for my mom, and how grateful I am to have her in my life.

7. Elaine Skeggs. Another mom/sister. She was the very first person I called when Brian left, still bawling my eyes out, unsure of where I was going and knowing that I needed to talk to someone or I was going to be sitting on the balcony curled in the fetal position screaming and pulling my hair out. She and Mike have been such a help in kicking me out of being a teen into actually trying to be an adult. They helped me get out of my grandmother's house, and when Brian left they let me come back so that I could get back on my feet. She is always there to talk when I need her, and she showed me that you can be assertive and important without always being loud. I'm not really very good at it, but I wouldn't know it was possible without her. She also helped me see how very important communication can be in a relationship of any sort, because a misunderstanding left to simmer eventually becomes a disaster. We managed to learn about ourselves and each other while I was living there, and eventually, I will be able to make it up to them.

8. James Reilly. He was the second person I called after Brian left, and even though he doesn't drive, he managed to find a way to get to me to make sure I wasn't alone. Even before that, he has always been there to help me out when my brain is too screwed up for me to see what is in front of me. He pushes me to think better, to be a better person, and to laugh at myself sometimes. He reminds me that I'm human, and that while yes, I make some stupid mistakes sometimes, I also have the ability to learn from those mistakes.

9. Kelsi Rose. She is one of the most loyal, hard-working, and caring people I know. If I had never met Kelsi, I would not be nearly as close to accepting peoples compliments as I am now, and I would not think of myself as a beautiful person, whether that means physically or personality wise. Because I know her, I push myself that extra bit harder when I just want to lay around feeling sorry for myself, I actually am attempting (albeit poorly) to at least walk the Metroparks once a week so that I can reach my goal weight, and when I get to spend time with my family of friends at home, I know that they spend time with me because they love me as much as I do them. (Okay, so that last one isn't entirely on Kelsi, but she has yelled at me when I feel like I'm not worth the effort enough that she is a major contributor to it).

10. Brian Bell. Ex-husband. If you didn't see it coming you should have. He is the only person who has ever made me consider marriage as a viable thing even, and actually managed to take it a step farther and got me to marry him. A lot of the changing that I have done in the past 3 years have been due to his influence in my life, so I do owe a lot to him. He swept me off of my feet, made me believe in love again. He reminded me that life sometimes is all about fun and games, but that sometimes you need to do the things you don't want to do. He showed me how to smile again, even though he couldn't find me when I was drowning in doubt and pity. He taught me that I am worthy of being loved, but that the person to love me has to be just as strong as I am, and that I need to be much better at being an adult before I try to be in a stable relationship.