Day 31: A month gone by.

"And the world will fall away with indifference to lead us all astray. You can't catch me now. I've run too far to see you, and the stars, the stars will catch me."

How I felt this weekend



How I feel today


Today I finally broke down. It took a lot to realize why I was even breaking down.

He doesn't love me.
He never loved me.
He wanted me to be something different than what I was am.



I am worthy of being loved, even though I'm not perfect.
I got married because I loved who he was as my friend, figuring that he would stay my friend, and care about me otherwise.
I was mistaken. I gave my everything, and it was treated like trash, even though it was the biggest and best treasure that I could ever possibly give. I will never get all of that back, but I can rebuild, try and find who I am without someone who doesn't care about me, and just relish in the facts:

1. I have a lot of people who love me, who care about what I think and feel, who see me for who I am as well as where I'm going, and have faith that even when I make mistakes and bad choices, I will turn out ok.

2. My love is valuable to a lot of people. There are people who would have given any thing to have what he threw out. If he ever realizes exactly what he has given up thrown out, I hope that he hurts half as much as I hurt when he left, because that will still be more than he is capable of dealing with. When he realizes just how amazing I am, and that he'll never find someone who will love him as much as I did, I hope he knows better than to try to earn my forgiveness. I'm way past that. He ruined a beautiful life because he wasn't ready for it, when it was what he thought he wanted in the first place. He hurt an amazing person who deserved so much better than what he was willing to give, because he wasn't willing to give anything.

3. I wasn't perfect. I am not an easy person to live with. I cling to the past pretty often, and while, yes, it is unreasonable to spring that on someone who is expecting easy sailing, he should have known what he was getting into. He knew everything about me before I ever started dating him. His expectation that I would just get over my past because I got married was unreasonable, and unkind. I never expected him to change into anything different than what he was, so the fact that he wanted me to be someone else was unfair and unreasonable.

4. I am sometimes childish. Who isn't? But when it comes to important things, I buckle down and get things done if it is what I want. He, on the other hand, is being nothing but unhelpful when it comes to the divorce and getting out of this marriage, which is what he so claims to want. I'm trying to get in touch with him so that I can get things set up, and he won't respond to anything. The bills that he was supposed to help with when I was out of a job for a month, are still behind and unpaid because he won't accept any sort of responsibility for them.

5. I can do anything I put my mind to. Even starting over with nothing, no, less than nothing, I am still going to manage to come out of this all ok. I will be so much happier and in such a better place than I was in when he left, because I had been working for several months to find a job that uses my skills and that I can enjoy. I found one that can and probably will lead to a career, which is such a huge step for me! I'm so excited about that.

Step 1: Find a place to call my own, and find a way to separate myself from him without having to wait for him to do it.
Step 2: ??????
Step 3: Profit as a person.

Day 28: Discovering me?

How I feel today



It is scary to have reached a point where I'm not quite sure what is facade and what is me anymore. Right now it seems like I'm always just covering up my pain and hurt because I can't deal with it, let alone try to let other people see it. I just.... feel really weird because I don't know how to turn that off. I don't want to deal with everything, and it is like I can't take off the security blanket of safeness. That is a redundant statement kind of but I don't care. I don't know who I am again, and that is just a really odd feeling, when I know that I had figured out who I was and what I stood for and believed in before Brian and I started dating. I have to re-evaluate what it means to be Pam, working on getting divorced, trying to understand what the hell is wrong with me that I can't keep anyone happy longer than a year and six months, including myself.

I think the problem is that I don't know how to be happy for me, how to let myself worry about my own issues before anyone else's problems. I feel like Monday is going to be hellish for me, because even typing this out, I know that when I have a chance to spend a day thinking I will end up breaking down, thinking about not just the recent craziness, but the issues that I've kept away for a long time, like my relationship with my mother, my lack of a father because of an unfair world, my failure at college, my failure to save money ever, and why I have such an issue taking care of myself and my wellness.

So yeah. Need to figure out how to be happy without anyone making me that way. Need to deal with past issues. Really need to do this on Monday, and Friday, because Saturday will not be an appropriate day to do that, as Joycie is getting married and I intend to have a good time.
~Pam

Day 27: One step closer...

How I feel today


"But we don't need to rush this. Let's just take it slow."


Today was hectic. I don't really know what to think about it. I feel so stupid sometimes, and today I just could not explain anything whatsoever. I'm still having issues with it.

Bedtime I guess. Sorry. Short post.

Day 26: How I feel indeed.

How I feel today

I'm strong but I break
I'm stubborn and I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah I'm hard and life with me is never easy
to figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely......

Someday when we're at the same place
when we're on the same road
when its ok to hold my hand
without feeling lost
without all the excuses
when its just because
you love me
you let me
you need me
then maybe.....

All you have to do is hold me
and you'll know and you'll see
just how sweet it can be
if you trust me
love me
let me....

I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
and I'll probably never have it all figured out
but what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you
and I promise I'll try
I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
every single detail you missed with your eyes...

I don't wanna be tough
and I don't wanna be proud,
but I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved....
I just want to be loved by you
and I won't stop cuz I believe...

I should know better than to touch the fire twice
but I'm thinking
maybe yeah
maybe you might...
love maybe.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I talked to Bastian, a dear friend of mine, today. As much as he is trying neutrality, he doesn't like how I'm handling things, mostly because I am angry at his girl for her part in things. I feel like I'm going to lose him as a friend, and that is extremely unpleasant to me, as he is one of the people who I can talk to about anything and know I will get a reasonable response, not a response that is angry for me, or hlepy. He tells me what I need to know, and the best thing to do. I can talk to him about anything at all, no matter what, and if I lose his friendship, I don't even know what to do. I will be very sad.

In other news, I realized more exactly why I am angry about this whole situation with my husband. It isn't just the fact that the situation is a really sucky situation. It is more along the lines of, I gave him my trust, my heart, my everything, let him change who I was and some of the things I believed whole-heartedly, and having broken all of those things has the gall to stand over me like he's so much better off, with no shrapnel from the explosion he caused, and tell me that I should just get over it.

How do you leave someone completely broken and just expect that since you didn't get hit by any emotional damage that they can easily get over it?

I am working on it though. I will be ok, and things will be better each day. Every time I cry, I get better. Every time, I remember how much better off I will be without him. No more tears, no more pain, no more feeling inadequate or used. I will be my own person, and be so much happier, especially since someone likes me for who I am, baggage and all.

~Pam

Day 25: I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.

How I feel today


I had a day off, and managed to get through more clothes, even though I still have probably 2 more full trash bags of stuff for Goodwill. I also cried again. It is so hard to try to deal with everything as though nothing is wrong, and while talking to my redwings fan helps immensely, my phone has been off so I haven't been able to talk to him. Being able to talk to him on Facebook is helpful too, and he catches me off guard, saying things on occasion that give me butterflies even though he is so far away.

I am just so terrified and conflicted. I adore him, but I'm still hurt, broken, healing from what my husband has done to me, continues to do, as he still won't file for divorce. He believes that he didn't do a damn thing wrong, and that I am just being a baby about everything, and doing things to piss him off. I just want this to be over, and to be able to function again.

I want to start over, to try things my way for a while. I want to learn who I am, what is important to me, who matters in my life, and how to take care of myself without worrying about how it will affect other people. That last one is the hard one. I already have a good idea on the others, but I have never been good at taking care of myself before everyone else. I feel like that is an important thing for me now, as I am working on my own career, and actually being a grown up with responsibilities. This is such a huge change for me, like everything that has happened in the past 25 days, and I'm kind of confused about it.

Things I need to do ASAP(like before the end of May):
Actually put in the application for the apartment complex.
FIND A LAWYER!!!!!
Get a bed and/or couch, and maybe a tv stand?

~Pam

Day 23 and 24: too busy, so here is music instead

How I feel today

Day 22: Where I backdate like a boss (again)

How I feel today



Today started off pretty awfully actually. I woke up and realized that the last text that I had sent (at 5amish) had never actually sent. I tried again and it still wouldn't work. On a hunch, I tried to call my roommate on my phone. Phone was shut off. So now I can receive messages and calls, but can't send any out. It makes things full of the suck.

Anyway, I worked on clearing out the living room of stuff, realized oh crap it is 1230 and I have to work at 1, so I went and changed, worked on getting stuff ready for the weekend and ended up deciding to just do it after work.

Work went by pretty quickly, apart from the slow time we had towards the end. Sladjena decided that she was SUPER hungry, and since she couldn't leave, and Jaimi had already left work 3 times that day, I went to Little Ceaser's with her card and got pizza and cheesy bread for us. It was SO GOOD!

After work, I rushed home, got all dressed up for Joycie's bachelorette party, and made up stuff for staying the night at James and Donny's place. My redwings fan called me on the way to the party, since I couldn't call him, which cheered me up quite a bit, as I really didn't want to go without hearing from him, and he pretty much started off by saying he needed his ginger fix ^.^

The party was ok. I got to catch up with a few people who I hadn't seen since high school, and then after that I went to my bar of choice (The Underground in Sandusky), listened to the owner's band, ate food and had my drink of choice (Honey Jack) before going and crashing at James and Donny's place. Opal (James's pug) is SO CUTE!!! I just want to snuggle her to death.

All in all, a good day. I got to talk to awesome peoples, catch up with old friends/acquaintances, and in general have a good time.

~Pam

Day 21: 3 weeks later.

I still hurt. I don't think that will go away for a long time.
I still love the man I married. I just realized that he isn't the same person any more, and I can't change that.
I am feeling a lot better about things. I'm working a job that pays well, with enough hours that I don't have time to get bored, or break down, or anything like that. I'm working on getting an apartment so that I can have a place that is just mine for once. And I think that in the long run I will be much better for this experience. It is just a matter of getting through it.

Of course, it helps having an awesome guy tell me how amazing I am, how stupid he was for leaving, and how much happier I will be once he is gone from my life for good.
It helps having awesome friends who have my back, who also tell me when I'm wrong.
It helps being able to have a job to get back onto my feet, so that I can say when all is said and done that I have bettered myself in this crazy situation.

~Pam

Day 20: Ignoring all the things because I don't have the time

Today I worked with Matt, and he is a HUGE nerd, with a steel trap of a mind. It was nice to be able to talk to someone in person who is into the same kind of things that I am. We talked about comics, how to file a contract, video game preferences, movies based on books, how to close the day at work, and anime. Brian decided that when I was at work was the opportune time to tell me that I could have half the income taxes, and once he was done with work on the car, he see if he was going to help me out with getting a place.

Really? That's how its going to go?

I excused myself and bummed a smoke from Matt since he could tell something was up. Freaking out is not good at work.

Either way, it was an ok day. I got a sale, did several quotes and Matt was impressed. Pointed out the few things I needed to work on, but was really impressed that I did so well. He told me about how badly he screwed up his first contract and that it was really awesome that I was doing so well.

I got to talk to my redwings fan on break, and came back with a huge grin on my face. I always feel better after talking to him. Our talks are just.... awesome. We have pretty much the best give and take for conversations.

And then I forgot to post this because I was too tired. ::facepalm::
~Pam

Day 19: Lost and hurt, but not alone

I'm tired, sore, grouchy and upset. I also have awesome people who love me even when though I'm a weirdo. There is an amazing guy willing to talk to me until its almost morning most nights, and he does so because I'm a good person, amazing and fun to talk to. I have a job that will pay the bills once I start getting paid, and am looking for apartments so that I can get on my own 2 feet for the very first time and live on my own.

What more could a girl want?

~Pam

Day 18: Suddenly I brought this on myself?

How I feel today


He had the gall to tell me that I brought him leaving on myself.In his words:

"Your one to talk about responsability are you pam? You shirked basic adult responsability. I didn't try to turn you into a house wife. I didn't make you be a third wheele in what was our home. You refused to be part of anything we did, even things you agreed to do as part of our want to be healthier people. Your action speak for themselves and dictated the kind of person you decided to be in our marrage. I decided to cut anchor before I was dragged down any further than I could swim back from. You don't have to like that, that is fine. Go be angery, but understand you brought it on yourself."

First of all, when he had to have surgery and had to get an amputation of certain parts, I was there for him, drove from Strongsville all the way out to Norwalk, calling off work so that I could be there for him. I drove him to the hospital in the middle of the night when he was having pain in same area when we both had to be into work the next day and he had been drinking with our rooommate. I never claimed to be good at taking care of a house, and I never said I was neat. I am a messy person, and I really don't tend to care about keeping things neat. I haven't changed at ALL since we got married, and last I knew you were supposed to marry someone because you loved them, not because you loved who they could be. I never claimed perfection, only that I would be loyal and loving. I never said I wouldn't get angry, and that it would be easy. Life doesn't work that way.


Second of all, I don't have to spend time with him and our roommate in order to be a good wife. He is supposed to want to spend time with me, more than wanting to spend time with our roommate. So yes, I felt like a third wheel when all of the sudden everything changed and it was always "You should come with me and Kristina to play tennis" (a 2 person sport I'm not into) or "Come on a walk with us" (when I have hardly slept and don't really want to go for a walk) or "Kristina made food. Do you want some?" (when I wasn't hungry). Just because I don't want to spend every waking minute with the 2 of them when they act more like a couple than he ever acted around me.


I just, don't even have the words for how pissed off I am.

If he hasn't filed for divorce by my second paycheck, I will. I don't have the time to bother with him and his BS anymore. For as hurt as I am, I have still managed to struggle back up on my feet, have found myself a career, and am working on getting my own apartment. So I really don't need to be told about how I don't take care of things that need to be taken care of.
~Pam
::in addition:: In other news, I managed to lose 20 lbs in 2 weeks. I think that I need to start remembering to eat before people legit think I'm anorexic. I just wish I had any sort of appetite. Would probably make remembering to eat easier.