Day 26: How I feel indeed.

How I feel today

I'm strong but I break
I'm stubborn and I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah I'm hard and life with me is never easy
to figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely......

Someday when we're at the same place
when we're on the same road
when its ok to hold my hand
without feeling lost
without all the excuses
when its just because
you love me
you let me
you need me
then maybe.....

All you have to do is hold me
and you'll know and you'll see
just how sweet it can be
if you trust me
love me
let me....

I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
and I'll probably never have it all figured out
but what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you
and I promise I'll try
I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
every single detail you missed with your eyes...

I don't wanna be tough
and I don't wanna be proud,
but I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved....
I just want to be loved by you
and I won't stop cuz I believe...

I should know better than to touch the fire twice
but I'm thinking
maybe yeah
maybe you might...
love maybe.

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I talked to Bastian, a dear friend of mine, today. As much as he is trying neutrality, he doesn't like how I'm handling things, mostly because I am angry at his girl for her part in things. I feel like I'm going to lose him as a friend, and that is extremely unpleasant to me, as he is one of the people who I can talk to about anything and know I will get a reasonable response, not a response that is angry for me, or hlepy. He tells me what I need to know, and the best thing to do. I can talk to him about anything at all, no matter what, and if I lose his friendship, I don't even know what to do. I will be very sad.

In other news, I realized more exactly why I am angry about this whole situation with my husband. It isn't just the fact that the situation is a really sucky situation. It is more along the lines of, I gave him my trust, my heart, my everything, let him change who I was and some of the things I believed whole-heartedly, and having broken all of those things has the gall to stand over me like he's so much better off, with no shrapnel from the explosion he caused, and tell me that I should just get over it.

How do you leave someone completely broken and just expect that since you didn't get hit by any emotional damage that they can easily get over it?

I am working on it though. I will be ok, and things will be better each day. Every time I cry, I get better. Every time, I remember how much better off I will be without him. No more tears, no more pain, no more feeling inadequate or used. I will be my own person, and be so much happier, especially since someone likes me for who I am, baggage and all.

~Pam