"To hang on.
To being strong.
To admit when you've done wrong even when you meant well.
To happiness attached to a fishing line.
To hope when the lights flicker. Grows darker.
To waking up all alone.
To missing the little things that meant everything.
To say good bye when your heart is not ready.
To those little special moments you wish you could capture in a glass bottle.
To hate your enemies so much to the point where you simply forgive them.
To those who love you.
To those who will always love you.
To those who once loved you.
To me.
You are everything that is beauty and mystery.
Say yes.
Stay."
My Drew wrote this because I inspire him. He takes my breath away. I just wish he was closer so I could spend actual time with him.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Saturday, May 19, 2012
I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.
He loves me.
He loves me.
He loves me.
No matter how I put it, it is hard to wrap my head around it. With everything I'm going through, even though things are really screwed up and I'm someone else's according to law, even though he's a state away, even though we haven't technically met even, my redwings fan loves me.
<3 Not even the incredibly awful day I had at work could take away from that. Our new district manager pretty much just sat in on our day today watching how we did things and then bitched at Jaimi about how he feels that I shouldn't be left alone at the store just yet, even though I have done just fine on my own even being thrown into being alone my 4th day on the job. Jaimi had my back, but still. What a dick. I also had a customer offer me money to type up his church hymnal because he saw that I type quickly. So... YAY!
He loves me.
He loves me.
No matter how I put it, it is hard to wrap my head around it. With everything I'm going through, even though things are really screwed up and I'm someone else's according to law, even though he's a state away, even though we haven't technically met even, my redwings fan loves me.
<3 Not even the incredibly awful day I had at work could take away from that. Our new district manager pretty much just sat in on our day today watching how we did things and then bitched at Jaimi about how he feels that I shouldn't be left alone at the store just yet, even though I have done just fine on my own even being thrown into being alone my 4th day on the job. Jaimi had my back, but still. What a dick. I also had a customer offer me money to type up his church hymnal because he saw that I type quickly. So... YAY!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Day 45: Day 1 of the rest of my life.
To Brian
We had something awesome for a while. If you had given it a chance, it really could have been something amazing, but given that you've thrown it out, I plan to live my life for myself now, and do anything by myself. I hope you have an interesting life from this point on.
To Me
I have had an interesting life. There is no instance where my life could be considered boring, which is why I'm pretty sure that I don't do crazy things or have crazy stories all the time with my friends. I have had a horrid past, and every time something starts to go boring, something else crazy happens.
I don't really regret this. I would have preferred to NOT have had a childhood where I wanted to be dead more often than not, but given the hand I was dealt, I think I did amazingly at still managing to come out even, possibly even with a couple more chips, and the phone number of the nearest guy (probably took that poker analogy too far, but whateves. I regret nothing).
I saw Brian this weekend, and while it was kind of awkward because his parents were also there, I didn't feel sad, or really even angry any more. I pitied him, that he was back exactly where he had been before I showed up: still not taking care of himself, still doing his laundry at his parents house, going back to being on their phone plan because he couldn't afford it on his own.
I haven't exactly been the picture of taking care of myself, to be fair, but I have been on my own for that kind of thing for a while now, and I'm starting off new again, with less than what I had before. I'm doing well. I'm trying my hardest to not lean on anyone too much, and am actually doing wonderfully on my own.
To Drew
The long wait will be worth it in the long run.
We had something awesome for a while. If you had given it a chance, it really could have been something amazing, but given that you've thrown it out, I plan to live my life for myself now, and do anything by myself. I hope you have an interesting life from this point on.
To Me
I have had an interesting life. There is no instance where my life could be considered boring, which is why I'm pretty sure that I don't do crazy things or have crazy stories all the time with my friends. I have had a horrid past, and every time something starts to go boring, something else crazy happens.
I don't really regret this. I would have preferred to NOT have had a childhood where I wanted to be dead more often than not, but given the hand I was dealt, I think I did amazingly at still managing to come out even, possibly even with a couple more chips, and the phone number of the nearest guy (probably took that poker analogy too far, but whateves. I regret nothing).
I saw Brian this weekend, and while it was kind of awkward because his parents were also there, I didn't feel sad, or really even angry any more. I pitied him, that he was back exactly where he had been before I showed up: still not taking care of himself, still doing his laundry at his parents house, going back to being on their phone plan because he couldn't afford it on his own.
I haven't exactly been the picture of taking care of myself, to be fair, but I have been on my own for that kind of thing for a while now, and I'm starting off new again, with less than what I had before. I'm doing well. I'm trying my hardest to not lean on anyone too much, and am actually doing wonderfully on my own.
To Drew
The long wait will be worth it in the long run.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Day 44: A poem I forgot to post.
I found you05/07/12
In my darkest month,
my misery nearly consuming me,
you were the light that showed me
that things will be better
if I just keep moving
When I felt like crying,
you let me vent to you,
showed me that you care
When I was hurt and alone,
you came and showed me
that just because he left
didn't mean that no one wanted me,
didn't mean that no one would care.
Even as I started rebuilding my wall,
my facade of everything being okay,
I found myself creating a doorway,
not well seen,
hidden to most,
so that in case you wanted to know more,
you could get through.
Every night, before I go to sleep,
I talk to you and smile,
because I know,
even though I shouldn't at this point,
that you won't hurt me,
that you won't trample my heart
And every night I sleep,
knowing it means
one day closer
to being in your arms,
in your heart,
in your soul.
***********************************************************
Nothing more tonight. I have updates, since I haven't been posting lately (really busy) but I also have only slept 2 hours in the past 24, and I work alone all day tomorrow. I'll update everything later.
~Pam
P.S. How I feel about you
In my darkest month,
my misery nearly consuming me,
you were the light that showed me
that things will be better
if I just keep moving
When I felt like crying,
you let me vent to you,
showed me that you care
When I was hurt and alone,
you came and showed me
that just because he left
didn't mean that no one wanted me,
didn't mean that no one would care.
Even as I started rebuilding my wall,
my facade of everything being okay,
I found myself creating a doorway,
not well seen,
hidden to most,
so that in case you wanted to know more,
you could get through.
Every night, before I go to sleep,
I talk to you and smile,
because I know,
even though I shouldn't at this point,
that you won't hurt me,
that you won't trample my heart
And every night I sleep,
knowing it means
one day closer
to being in your arms,
in your heart,
in your soul.
***********************************************************
Nothing more tonight. I have updates, since I haven't been posting lately (really busy) but I also have only slept 2 hours in the past 24, and I work alone all day tomorrow. I'll update everything later.
~Pam
P.S. How I feel about you
Friday, May 4, 2012
Day 34: Dealing in my own way.
How I feel today
I have been really busy, so sorry about not posting anything in a bit. I managed to get an apartment, have started paying for a couch so that I will have a comfy place to sit in said apartment while playing video games, and am working on getting all the other random things for an apartment. I don't move until July, so that is something I am excited for, but that I also have time to get ready for.
Yesterday at work, I broke down and cried twice because everything hit me. I don't really know if I was crying because I was upset or because I was angry, but it really sucked. I was so tired of not being able to get in touch with him when I just want to get everything done and over with. I'm so tired of dealing with everything.
Today was super busy at work, and just in general an awful day. To top it off, I was almost home and Wish You Were Here came on the radio, so yeah more crying. I miss my dad, and being in this situation really makes me feel like I could use his input, as he was there.
I turned the phones back on tonight, and after a week of trying to get in touch with him on Facebook, which he is on daily, he got back to me within 20 minutes of the phones being turned back on to complain that I turned the phones back on with the money from the tax return. Sometimes I can't stand him. The phones were in both of our names, so half is still his responsibility. He also has decided that until the divorce is through, he isn't going to transfer the car into my name. It concerns me because as long as the car is in his name he could decide to be spiteful and take it, and I need it or I can't work, which isn't an option. Either way, it was an awful way to end the day, and I had been talking to Drew, which was making my day slightly better, before I had to deal with him, and then I tried to call him back and he isn't answering his phone, so I'm worried because I know he was driving when I was talking to him and I worry about everything.
All in all, I am glad I have tomorrow off. I will manage to get adult stuff done, deal with stuff I don't want to deal with, buy a present for Joyce's wedding, and then Saturday will just be a good day. I am so excited for that. I get to go to Joyce's wedding, the grand reopening party for the Underground, and see people who I adore.
Tomorrow will be better than today and yesterday.
~Pam
I have been really busy, so sorry about not posting anything in a bit. I managed to get an apartment, have started paying for a couch so that I will have a comfy place to sit in said apartment while playing video games, and am working on getting all the other random things for an apartment. I don't move until July, so that is something I am excited for, but that I also have time to get ready for.
Yesterday at work, I broke down and cried twice because everything hit me. I don't really know if I was crying because I was upset or because I was angry, but it really sucked. I was so tired of not being able to get in touch with him when I just want to get everything done and over with. I'm so tired of dealing with everything.
Today was super busy at work, and just in general an awful day. To top it off, I was almost home and Wish You Were Here came on the radio, so yeah more crying. I miss my dad, and being in this situation really makes me feel like I could use his input, as he was there.
I turned the phones back on tonight, and after a week of trying to get in touch with him on Facebook, which he is on daily, he got back to me within 20 minutes of the phones being turned back on to complain that I turned the phones back on with the money from the tax return. Sometimes I can't stand him. The phones were in both of our names, so half is still his responsibility. He also has decided that until the divorce is through, he isn't going to transfer the car into my name. It concerns me because as long as the car is in his name he could decide to be spiteful and take it, and I need it or I can't work, which isn't an option. Either way, it was an awful way to end the day, and I had been talking to Drew, which was making my day slightly better, before I had to deal with him, and then I tried to call him back and he isn't answering his phone, so I'm worried because I know he was driving when I was talking to him and I worry about everything.
All in all, I am glad I have tomorrow off. I will manage to get adult stuff done, deal with stuff I don't want to deal with, buy a present for Joyce's wedding, and then Saturday will just be a good day. I am so excited for that. I get to go to Joyce's wedding, the grand reopening party for the Underground, and see people who I adore.
Tomorrow will be better than today and yesterday.
~Pam
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Day 31: A month gone by.
"And the world will fall away with indifference to lead us all astray. You can't catch me now. I've run too far to see you, and the stars, the stars will catch me."
How I felt this weekend
How I feel today
Today I finally broke down. It took a lot to realize why I was even breaking down.
He doesn't love me.
He never loved me.
He wanted me to be something different than what Iwas am.
I am worthy of being loved, even though I'm not perfect.
I got married because I loved who he was as my friend, figuring that he would stay my friend, and care about me otherwise.
I was mistaken. I gave my everything, and it was treated like trash, even though it was the biggest and best treasure that I could ever possibly give. I will never get all of that back, but I can rebuild, try and find who I am without someone who doesn't care about me, and just relish in the facts:
1. I have a lot of people who love me, who care about what I think and feel, who see me for who I am as well as where I'm going, and have faith that even when I make mistakes and bad choices, I will turn out ok.
2. My love is valuable to a lot of people. There are people who would have given any thing to have what he threw out. If he ever realizes exactly what he hasgiven up thrown out, I hope that he hurts half as much as I hurt when he left, because that will still be more than he is capable of dealing with. When he realizes just how amazing I am, and that he'll never find someone who will love him as much as I did, I hope he knows better than to try to earn my forgiveness. I'm way past that. He ruined a beautiful life because he wasn't ready for it, when it was what he thought he wanted in the first place. He hurt an amazing person who deserved so much better than what he was willing to give, because he wasn't willing to give anything.
3. I wasn't perfect. I am not an easy person to live with. I cling to the past pretty often, and while, yes, it is unreasonable to spring that on someone who is expecting easy sailing, he should have known what he was getting into. He knew everything about me before I ever started dating him. His expectation that I would just get over my past because I got married was unreasonable, and unkind. I never expected him to change into anything different than what he was, so the fact that he wanted me to be someone else was unfair and unreasonable.
4. I am sometimes childish. Who isn't? But when it comes to important things, I buckle down and get things done if it is what I want. He, on the other hand, is being nothing but unhelpful when it comes to the divorce and getting out of this marriage, which is what he so claims to want. I'm trying to get in touch with him so that I can get things set up, and he won't respond to anything. The bills that he was supposed to help with when I was out of a job for a month, are still behind and unpaid because he won't accept any sort of responsibility for them.
5. I can do anything I put my mind to. Even starting over with nothing, no, less than nothing, I am still going to manage to come out of this all ok. I will be so much happier and in such a better place than I was in when he left, because I had been working for several months to find a job that uses my skills and that I can enjoy. I found one that can and probably will lead to a career, which is such a huge step for me! I'm so excited about that.
Step 1: Find a place to call my own, and find a way to separate myself from him without having to wait for him to do it.
Step 2: ??????
Step 3: Profit as a person.
How I felt this weekend
How I feel today
Today I finally broke down. It took a lot to realize why I was even breaking down.
He doesn't love me.
He never loved me.
He wanted me to be something different than what I
I am worthy of being loved, even though I'm not perfect.
I got married because I loved who he was as my friend, figuring that he would stay my friend, and care about me otherwise.
I was mistaken. I gave my everything, and it was treated like trash, even though it was the biggest and best treasure that I could ever possibly give. I will never get all of that back, but I can rebuild, try and find who I am without someone who doesn't care about me, and just relish in the facts:
1. I have a lot of people who love me, who care about what I think and feel, who see me for who I am as well as where I'm going, and have faith that even when I make mistakes and bad choices, I will turn out ok.
2. My love is valuable to a lot of people. There are people who would have given any thing to have what he threw out. If he ever realizes exactly what he has
3. I wasn't perfect. I am not an easy person to live with. I cling to the past pretty often, and while, yes, it is unreasonable to spring that on someone who is expecting easy sailing, he should have known what he was getting into. He knew everything about me before I ever started dating him. His expectation that I would just get over my past because I got married was unreasonable, and unkind. I never expected him to change into anything different than what he was, so the fact that he wanted me to be someone else was unfair and unreasonable.
4. I am sometimes childish. Who isn't? But when it comes to important things, I buckle down and get things done if it is what I want. He, on the other hand, is being nothing but unhelpful when it comes to the divorce and getting out of this marriage, which is what he so claims to want. I'm trying to get in touch with him so that I can get things set up, and he won't respond to anything. The bills that he was supposed to help with when I was out of a job for a month, are still behind and unpaid because he won't accept any sort of responsibility for them.
5. I can do anything I put my mind to. Even starting over with nothing, no, less than nothing, I am still going to manage to come out of this all ok. I will be so much happier and in such a better place than I was in when he left, because I had been working for several months to find a job that uses my skills and that I can enjoy. I found one that can and probably will lead to a career, which is such a huge step for me! I'm so excited about that.
Step 1: Find a place to call my own, and find a way to separate myself from him without having to wait for him to do it.
Step 2: ??????
Step 3: Profit as a person.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Day 28: Discovering me?
How I feel today
It is scary to have reached a point where I'm not quite sure what is facade and what is me anymore. Right now it seems like I'm always just covering up my pain and hurt because I can't deal with it, let alone try to let other people see it. I just.... feel really weird because I don't know how to turn that off. I don't want to deal with everything, and it is like I can't take off the security blanket of safeness. That is a redundant statement kind of but I don't care. I don't know who I am again, and that is just a really odd feeling, when I know that I had figured out who I was and what I stood for and believed in before Brian and I started dating. I have to re-evaluate what it means to be Pam, working on getting divorced, trying to understand what the hell is wrong with me that I can't keep anyone happy longer than a year and six months, including myself.
I think the problem is that I don't know how to be happy for me, how to let myself worry about my own issues before anyone else's problems. I feel like Monday is going to be hellish for me, because even typing this out, I know that when I have a chance to spend a day thinking I will end up breaking down, thinking about not just the recent craziness, but the issues that I've kept away for a long time, like my relationship with my mother, my lack of a father because of an unfair world, my failure at college, my failure to save money ever, and why I have such an issue taking care of myself and my wellness.
So yeah. Need to figure out how to be happy without anyone making me that way. Need to deal with past issues. Really need to do this on Monday, and Friday, because Saturday will not be an appropriate day to do that, as Joycie is getting married and I intend to have a good time.
~Pam
It is scary to have reached a point where I'm not quite sure what is facade and what is me anymore. Right now it seems like I'm always just covering up my pain and hurt because I can't deal with it, let alone try to let other people see it. I just.... feel really weird because I don't know how to turn that off. I don't want to deal with everything, and it is like I can't take off the security blanket of safeness. That is a redundant statement kind of but I don't care. I don't know who I am again, and that is just a really odd feeling, when I know that I had figured out who I was and what I stood for and believed in before Brian and I started dating. I have to re-evaluate what it means to be Pam, working on getting divorced, trying to understand what the hell is wrong with me that I can't keep anyone happy longer than a year and six months, including myself.
I think the problem is that I don't know how to be happy for me, how to let myself worry about my own issues before anyone else's problems. I feel like Monday is going to be hellish for me, because even typing this out, I know that when I have a chance to spend a day thinking I will end up breaking down, thinking about not just the recent craziness, but the issues that I've kept away for a long time, like my relationship with my mother, my lack of a father because of an unfair world, my failure at college, my failure to save money ever, and why I have such an issue taking care of myself and my wellness.
So yeah. Need to figure out how to be happy without anyone making me that way. Need to deal with past issues. Really need to do this on Monday, and Friday, because Saturday will not be an appropriate day to do that, as Joycie is getting married and I intend to have a good time.
~Pam
Day 27: One step closer...
How I feel today
"But we don't need to rush this. Let's just take it slow."
Today was hectic. I don't really know what to think about it. I feel so stupid sometimes, and today I just could not explain anything whatsoever. I'm still having issues with it.
Bedtime I guess. Sorry. Short post.
"But we don't need to rush this. Let's just take it slow."
Today was hectic. I don't really know what to think about it. I feel so stupid sometimes, and today I just could not explain anything whatsoever. I'm still having issues with it.
Bedtime I guess. Sorry. Short post.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Day 26: How I feel indeed.
How I feel today
I talked to Bastian, a dear friend of mine, today. As much as he is trying neutrality, he doesn't like how I'm handling things, mostly because I am angry at his girl for her part in things. I feel like I'm going to lose him as a friend, and that is extremely unpleasant to me, as he is one of the people who I can talk to about anything and know I will get a reasonable response, not a response that is angry for me, or hlepy. He tells me what I need to know, and the best thing to do. I can talk to him about anything at all, no matter what, and if I lose his friendship, I don't even know what to do. I will be very sad.
In other news, I realized more exactly why I am angry about this whole situation with my husband. It isn't just the fact that the situation is a really sucky situation. It is more along the lines of, I gave him my trust, my heart, my everything, let him change who I was and some of the things I believed whole-heartedly, and having broken all of those things has the gall to stand over me like he's so much better off, with no shrapnel from the explosion he caused, and tell me that I should just get over it.
How do you leave someone completely broken and just expect that since you didn't get hit by any emotional damage that they can easily get over it?
I am working on it though. I will be ok, and things will be better each day. Every time I cry, I get better. Every time, I remember how much better off I will be without him. No more tears, no more pain, no more feeling inadequate or used. I will be my own person, and be so much happier, especially since someone likes me for who I am, baggage and all.
~Pam
I'm strong but I break----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm stubborn and I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah I'm hard and life with me is never easy
to figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely......
Someday when we're at the same place
when we're on the same road
when its ok to hold my hand
without feeling lost
without all the excuses
when its just because
you love me
you let me
you need me
then maybe.....
All you have to do is hold me
and you'll know and you'll see
just how sweet it can be
if you trust me
love me
let me....
I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
and I'll probably never have it all figured out
but what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you
and I promise I'll try
I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
every single detail you missed with your eyes...
I don't wanna be tough
and I don't wanna be proud,
but I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved....
I just want to be loved by you
and I won't stop cuz I believe...
I should know better than to touch the fire twice
but I'm thinking
maybe yeah
maybe you might...
love maybe.
I talked to Bastian, a dear friend of mine, today. As much as he is trying neutrality, he doesn't like how I'm handling things, mostly because I am angry at his girl for her part in things. I feel like I'm going to lose him as a friend, and that is extremely unpleasant to me, as he is one of the people who I can talk to about anything and know I will get a reasonable response, not a response that is angry for me, or hlepy. He tells me what I need to know, and the best thing to do. I can talk to him about anything at all, no matter what, and if I lose his friendship, I don't even know what to do. I will be very sad.
In other news, I realized more exactly why I am angry about this whole situation with my husband. It isn't just the fact that the situation is a really sucky situation. It is more along the lines of, I gave him my trust, my heart, my everything, let him change who I was and some of the things I believed whole-heartedly, and having broken all of those things has the gall to stand over me like he's so much better off, with no shrapnel from the explosion he caused, and tell me that I should just get over it.
How do you leave someone completely broken and just expect that since you didn't get hit by any emotional damage that they can easily get over it?
I am working on it though. I will be ok, and things will be better each day. Every time I cry, I get better. Every time, I remember how much better off I will be without him. No more tears, no more pain, no more feeling inadequate or used. I will be my own person, and be so much happier, especially since someone likes me for who I am, baggage and all.
~Pam
Day 25: I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.
How I feel today
I had a day off, and managed to get through more clothes, even though I still have probably 2 more full trash bags of stuff for Goodwill. I also cried again. It is so hard to try to deal with everything as though nothing is wrong, and while talking to my redwings fan helps immensely, my phone has been off so I haven't been able to talk to him. Being able to talk to him on Facebook is helpful too, and he catches me off guard, saying things on occasion that give me butterflies even though he is so far away.
I am just so terrified and conflicted. I adore him, but I'm still hurt, broken, healing from what my husband has done to me, continues to do, as he still won't file for divorce. He believes that he didn't do a damn thing wrong, and that I am just being a baby about everything, and doing things to piss him off. I just want this to be over, and to be able to function again.
I want to start over, to try things my way for a while. I want to learn who I am, what is important to me, who matters in my life, and how to take care of myself without worrying about how it will affect other people. That last one is the hard one. I already have a good idea on the others, but I have never been good at taking care of myself before everyone else. I feel like that is an important thing for me now, as I am working on my own career, and actually being a grown up with responsibilities. This is such a huge change for me, like everything that has happened in the past 25 days, and I'm kind of confused about it.
Things I need to do ASAP(like before the end of May):
Actually put in the application for the apartment complex.
FIND A LAWYER!!!!!
Get a bed and/or couch, and maybe a tv stand?
~Pam
I had a day off, and managed to get through more clothes, even though I still have probably 2 more full trash bags of stuff for Goodwill. I also cried again. It is so hard to try to deal with everything as though nothing is wrong, and while talking to my redwings fan helps immensely, my phone has been off so I haven't been able to talk to him. Being able to talk to him on Facebook is helpful too, and he catches me off guard, saying things on occasion that give me butterflies even though he is so far away.
I am just so terrified and conflicted. I adore him, but I'm still hurt, broken, healing from what my husband has done to me, continues to do, as he still won't file for divorce. He believes that he didn't do a damn thing wrong, and that I am just being a baby about everything, and doing things to piss him off. I just want this to be over, and to be able to function again.
I want to start over, to try things my way for a while. I want to learn who I am, what is important to me, who matters in my life, and how to take care of myself without worrying about how it will affect other people. That last one is the hard one. I already have a good idea on the others, but I have never been good at taking care of myself before everyone else. I feel like that is an important thing for me now, as I am working on my own career, and actually being a grown up with responsibilities. This is such a huge change for me, like everything that has happened in the past 25 days, and I'm kind of confused about it.
Things I need to do ASAP(like before the end of May):
Actually put in the application for the apartment complex.
FIND A LAWYER!!!!!
Get a bed and/or couch, and maybe a tv stand?
~Pam
Monday, April 23, 2012
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