My dad is dead. My mother and I....well our relationship is a bit more complicated.
My mother and I have never really been close. We are so similar that we manage to push each others buttons. She spent the majority of my childhood using me to some purpose, whether it was against my father before he passed away, or having me take care of the kids so she could do whatever it was she wanted after she got off work. Any money I had from the jobs I had went into my bank account, which only she had access to, and which, before I turned 18, she took the money from. Now that I'm older, and working on being all on my own, I really am trying not to ask her for help, but when I have to, I don't feel badly about it. I feel 18 years is a lot to make up for, and there is nothing wrong with asking for help when I need it, especially with what she owes me. However, I also understand that she doesn't see it that way, so I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It isn't a healthy relationship, not even a little, but I still get to see my siblings, and that makes everything worth it, because I wouldn't trade my baby brother for anything. I have never loved anyone as much as I love that little boy, and until I(if I ever do) have my own child I don't think I will ever love anyone as much as I love him.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
So I'm really not good at talking about things that matter to me. I can text about them, I can write on here about them all night long, but when it comes to looking at someone, or even over the phone, and telling them what is going on with my head about important things, I freeze up. I'm always scared that people are going to judge me harshly for having things that matter, or worse, that they will try to ruin the important things I want or have. I grew up in a family where that was common practice, therefore making it a legitimate fear, and now, knowing people who are, as a general rule, good people, it isn't as legit, but I have to keep myself safe.
I am terrified to show people who I am, the person behind the smiles, the jokes, the laughter and fake confidence. Under that, I'm just as scared and confused as anyone else, but I have been hurt so many times by people who were supposed to care and who convinced me that they cared, I tend to take what people tell me with a grain of salt most times. I know that I should trust better, and that I should try to show myself more to the people I care about, but it is really hard when even the man I married ended up throwing my actual self in my face like it was a terrible thing, when my family has always been the kind of family that uses trust against you, and guilts you into having less than you need or deserve. I am trying to get better at trusting, and it helps because I'm pretty sure that there is no way that Drew intends to hurt me in that way, but there is still that little voice in the back of my head, telling me that there is no possible way for me to know that. I'm so scared all the time, and I can't really explain it.
I'm actually really very scared of needles. Well, not the needle itself, or even really ..... ok. Let me change that. I'm scared of anything that punctures skin where it isn't meant to be punctured. I have no problem with earrings, or piercings in general, because they are meant to be that way by the person who gets them, but when something goes underneath the skin that isn't meant to, like when a needle inserts a vein and you can see it move just under the skin, THAT freaks me the hell out. Doesn't stop me from donating blood, but as long as I don't look at my arm I'm fine in those instances. I was sick a lot when I was living with my mother, and one of the times I went to have bloodwork done, the nurse who did my blood work could not find my vein, and dug around for a good 20 minutes. I had a HUGE bruise on my arm, and since cannot look at a needle in my skin, and the thought of something being inserted in skin where it ought not to be freaks me the hell out. Bleh
Monday, June 25, 2012
List 20 random facts about yourself
1. I was born in Elyria. It took 21 years, and then I lived there for a year. I think I might move back in another 21 years, just to make a pattern.
2. I'm pretty much just addicted to playing Solitaire Blitz and Fallen London. I blame Facebook and Felicia Day.
3. Whenever I read "IT" by Stephen King, the song "Float On" by Modest Mouse gets stuck in my head.
4. My friends are 1. insane and b. the most amazing friends that a person could ever hope to get. I seriously thank the gods for them on almost a daily basis.
5. When I can't sleep, I put on Rock so that I can sleep, because classical music doesn't work.
6. From October of 2011 until very recently, there were very few days where I didn't feel like my dying would not matter even a little. I was extremely depressed, and honestly wouldn't have been able to get by if it weren't for the people who love me.
7. Halestorm is my current favorite band. Her voice is amazing, and the songs make me full of happy.
8. I am the party mom at the parties I go to. Someone has to make sure the people I love are safe all night, and I like watching them drunk anyway.
9.
10. My favorite dessert food to make is brownies. I make AWESOME brownies.
11. Every day, I try to think of one good thing about myself. It doesn't always work, but I always try.
12. I love a lot of people, in a lot of different ways.
13. I don't like watching sports if I'm not right there in the stadium/arena. I like having the whole experience if I'm watching, not just the portion that television thinks is important.
14. I want to do something more with my life than I have. If I could make my art my life I would love it, but I can't do that at this point.
15. For the first time in my life, I am moving into my own apartment, where it will be my space and no one can tell me what to do with it. I'm kind of terrified about this even though I'm ecstatic.
16. As much as I hate Brian for what he did to me, I miss being able to talk to him without it being awkward. He knows more about me than anyone in the world, and the fact that he could use any of it against me terrifies me.
17. Sometimes when I'm having a bad day, I need Spice Girls to cheer me up, because there is nothing NOT ridiculous about listening to Spice Girls.
18. I talk to Drew more than I have ever talked to a significant other, and due to this he knows a lot more than most people who have only known me for 3 months. It is kind of scary, but I feel I'm getting better at trusting, and determining who deserves trust.
19. I like almost every kind of music. There are some things I can't stand (mainly newer rap) but I will listen to anything once.
20. I really miss singing, soccer, painting and swimming. I just feel so trapped in my life right now with not being able to get those things done.
2. I'm pretty much just addicted to playing Solitaire Blitz and Fallen London. I blame Facebook and Felicia Day.
3. Whenever I read "IT" by Stephen King, the song "Float On" by Modest Mouse gets stuck in my head.
4. My friends are 1. insane and b. the most amazing friends that a person could ever hope to get. I seriously thank the gods for them on almost a daily basis.
5. When I can't sleep, I put on Rock so that I can sleep, because classical music doesn't work.
6. From October of 2011 until very recently, there were very few days where I didn't feel like my dying would not matter even a little. I was extremely depressed, and honestly wouldn't have been able to get by if it weren't for the people who love me.
7. Halestorm is my current favorite band. Her voice is amazing, and the songs make me full of happy.
8. I am the party mom at the parties I go to. Someone has to make sure the people I love are safe all night, and I like watching them drunk anyway.
9.
10. My favorite dessert food to make is brownies. I make AWESOME brownies.
11. Every day, I try to think of one good thing about myself. It doesn't always work, but I always try.
12. I love a lot of people, in a lot of different ways.
13. I don't like watching sports if I'm not right there in the stadium/arena. I like having the whole experience if I'm watching, not just the portion that television thinks is important.
14. I want to do something more with my life than I have. If I could make my art my life I would love it, but I can't do that at this point.
15. For the first time in my life, I am moving into my own apartment, where it will be my space and no one can tell me what to do with it. I'm kind of terrified about this even though I'm ecstatic.
16. As much as I hate Brian for what he did to me, I miss being able to talk to him without it being awkward. He knows more about me than anyone in the world, and the fact that he could use any of it against me terrifies me.
17. Sometimes when I'm having a bad day, I need Spice Girls to cheer me up, because there is nothing NOT ridiculous about listening to Spice Girls.
18. I talk to Drew more than I have ever talked to a significant other, and due to this he knows a lot more than most people who have only known me for 3 months. It is kind of scary, but I feel I'm getting better at trusting, and determining who deserves trust.
19. I like almost every kind of music. There are some things I can't stand (mainly newer rap) but I will listen to anything once.
20. I really miss singing, soccer, painting and swimming. I just feel so trapped in my life right now with not being able to get those things done.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
One way ticket on a runaway train
So I have really missed writing, but I am always so busy with work, trying to get my apartment stuff figured out, and not going crazy.... so I'm going to cheat. I'm going to take the following list, and every day answer one of the questions. I encourage those of you reading to do the same, just because I would like to know lots of things about the people I love.
THE LIST:
1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.
Tune in tomorrow for number 1! <3 you all
~Shirashima
THE LIST:
1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.
Tune in tomorrow for number 1! <3 you all
~Shirashima
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Inspiration
"To hang on.
To being strong.
To admit when you've done wrong even when you meant well.
To happiness attached to a fishing line.
To hope when the lights flicker. Grows darker.
To waking up all alone.
To missing the little things that meant everything.
To say good bye when your heart is not ready.
To those little special moments you wish you could capture in a glass bottle.
To hate your enemies so much to the point where you simply forgive them.
To those who love you.
To those who will always love you.
To those who once loved you.
To me.
You are everything that is beauty and mystery.
Say yes.
Stay."
My Drew wrote this because I inspire him. He takes my breath away. I just wish he was closer so I could spend actual time with him.
To being strong.
To admit when you've done wrong even when you meant well.
To happiness attached to a fishing line.
To hope when the lights flicker. Grows darker.
To waking up all alone.
To missing the little things that meant everything.
To say good bye when your heart is not ready.
To those little special moments you wish you could capture in a glass bottle.
To hate your enemies so much to the point where you simply forgive them.
To those who love you.
To those who will always love you.
To those who once loved you.
To me.
You are everything that is beauty and mystery.
Say yes.
Stay."
My Drew wrote this because I inspire him. He takes my breath away. I just wish he was closer so I could spend actual time with him.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.
He loves me.
He loves me.
He loves me.
No matter how I put it, it is hard to wrap my head around it. With everything I'm going through, even though things are really screwed up and I'm someone else's according to law, even though he's a state away, even though we haven't technically met even, my redwings fan loves me.
<3 Not even the incredibly awful day I had at work could take away from that. Our new district manager pretty much just sat in on our day today watching how we did things and then bitched at Jaimi about how he feels that I shouldn't be left alone at the store just yet, even though I have done just fine on my own even being thrown into being alone my 4th day on the job. Jaimi had my back, but still. What a dick. I also had a customer offer me money to type up his church hymnal because he saw that I type quickly. So... YAY!
He loves me.
He loves me.
No matter how I put it, it is hard to wrap my head around it. With everything I'm going through, even though things are really screwed up and I'm someone else's according to law, even though he's a state away, even though we haven't technically met even, my redwings fan loves me.
<3 Not even the incredibly awful day I had at work could take away from that. Our new district manager pretty much just sat in on our day today watching how we did things and then bitched at Jaimi about how he feels that I shouldn't be left alone at the store just yet, even though I have done just fine on my own even being thrown into being alone my 4th day on the job. Jaimi had my back, but still. What a dick. I also had a customer offer me money to type up his church hymnal because he saw that I type quickly. So... YAY!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Day 45: Day 1 of the rest of my life.
To Brian
We had something awesome for a while. If you had given it a chance, it really could have been something amazing, but given that you've thrown it out, I plan to live my life for myself now, and do anything by myself. I hope you have an interesting life from this point on.
To Me
I have had an interesting life. There is no instance where my life could be considered boring, which is why I'm pretty sure that I don't do crazy things or have crazy stories all the time with my friends. I have had a horrid past, and every time something starts to go boring, something else crazy happens.
I don't really regret this. I would have preferred to NOT have had a childhood where I wanted to be dead more often than not, but given the hand I was dealt, I think I did amazingly at still managing to come out even, possibly even with a couple more chips, and the phone number of the nearest guy (probably took that poker analogy too far, but whateves. I regret nothing).
I saw Brian this weekend, and while it was kind of awkward because his parents were also there, I didn't feel sad, or really even angry any more. I pitied him, that he was back exactly where he had been before I showed up: still not taking care of himself, still doing his laundry at his parents house, going back to being on their phone plan because he couldn't afford it on his own.
I haven't exactly been the picture of taking care of myself, to be fair, but I have been on my own for that kind of thing for a while now, and I'm starting off new again, with less than what I had before. I'm doing well. I'm trying my hardest to not lean on anyone too much, and am actually doing wonderfully on my own.
To Drew
The long wait will be worth it in the long run.
We had something awesome for a while. If you had given it a chance, it really could have been something amazing, but given that you've thrown it out, I plan to live my life for myself now, and do anything by myself. I hope you have an interesting life from this point on.
To Me
I have had an interesting life. There is no instance where my life could be considered boring, which is why I'm pretty sure that I don't do crazy things or have crazy stories all the time with my friends. I have had a horrid past, and every time something starts to go boring, something else crazy happens.
I don't really regret this. I would have preferred to NOT have had a childhood where I wanted to be dead more often than not, but given the hand I was dealt, I think I did amazingly at still managing to come out even, possibly even with a couple more chips, and the phone number of the nearest guy (probably took that poker analogy too far, but whateves. I regret nothing).
I saw Brian this weekend, and while it was kind of awkward because his parents were also there, I didn't feel sad, or really even angry any more. I pitied him, that he was back exactly where he had been before I showed up: still not taking care of himself, still doing his laundry at his parents house, going back to being on their phone plan because he couldn't afford it on his own.
I haven't exactly been the picture of taking care of myself, to be fair, but I have been on my own for that kind of thing for a while now, and I'm starting off new again, with less than what I had before. I'm doing well. I'm trying my hardest to not lean on anyone too much, and am actually doing wonderfully on my own.
To Drew
The long wait will be worth it in the long run.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Day 44: A poem I forgot to post.
I found you05/07/12
In my darkest month,
my misery nearly consuming me,
you were the light that showed me
that things will be better
if I just keep moving
When I felt like crying,
you let me vent to you,
showed me that you care
When I was hurt and alone,
you came and showed me
that just because he left
didn't mean that no one wanted me,
didn't mean that no one would care.
Even as I started rebuilding my wall,
my facade of everything being okay,
I found myself creating a doorway,
not well seen,
hidden to most,
so that in case you wanted to know more,
you could get through.
Every night, before I go to sleep,
I talk to you and smile,
because I know,
even though I shouldn't at this point,
that you won't hurt me,
that you won't trample my heart
And every night I sleep,
knowing it means
one day closer
to being in your arms,
in your heart,
in your soul.
***********************************************************
Nothing more tonight. I have updates, since I haven't been posting lately (really busy) but I also have only slept 2 hours in the past 24, and I work alone all day tomorrow. I'll update everything later.
~Pam
P.S. How I feel about you
In my darkest month,
my misery nearly consuming me,
you were the light that showed me
that things will be better
if I just keep moving
When I felt like crying,
you let me vent to you,
showed me that you care
When I was hurt and alone,
you came and showed me
that just because he left
didn't mean that no one wanted me,
didn't mean that no one would care.
Even as I started rebuilding my wall,
my facade of everything being okay,
I found myself creating a doorway,
not well seen,
hidden to most,
so that in case you wanted to know more,
you could get through.
Every night, before I go to sleep,
I talk to you and smile,
because I know,
even though I shouldn't at this point,
that you won't hurt me,
that you won't trample my heart
And every night I sleep,
knowing it means
one day closer
to being in your arms,
in your heart,
in your soul.
***********************************************************
Nothing more tonight. I have updates, since I haven't been posting lately (really busy) but I also have only slept 2 hours in the past 24, and I work alone all day tomorrow. I'll update everything later.
~Pam
P.S. How I feel about you
Friday, May 4, 2012
Day 34: Dealing in my own way.
How I feel today
I have been really busy, so sorry about not posting anything in a bit. I managed to get an apartment, have started paying for a couch so that I will have a comfy place to sit in said apartment while playing video games, and am working on getting all the other random things for an apartment. I don't move until July, so that is something I am excited for, but that I also have time to get ready for.
Yesterday at work, I broke down and cried twice because everything hit me. I don't really know if I was crying because I was upset or because I was angry, but it really sucked. I was so tired of not being able to get in touch with him when I just want to get everything done and over with. I'm so tired of dealing with everything.
Today was super busy at work, and just in general an awful day. To top it off, I was almost home and Wish You Were Here came on the radio, so yeah more crying. I miss my dad, and being in this situation really makes me feel like I could use his input, as he was there.
I turned the phones back on tonight, and after a week of trying to get in touch with him on Facebook, which he is on daily, he got back to me within 20 minutes of the phones being turned back on to complain that I turned the phones back on with the money from the tax return. Sometimes I can't stand him. The phones were in both of our names, so half is still his responsibility. He also has decided that until the divorce is through, he isn't going to transfer the car into my name. It concerns me because as long as the car is in his name he could decide to be spiteful and take it, and I need it or I can't work, which isn't an option. Either way, it was an awful way to end the day, and I had been talking to Drew, which was making my day slightly better, before I had to deal with him, and then I tried to call him back and he isn't answering his phone, so I'm worried because I know he was driving when I was talking to him and I worry about everything.
All in all, I am glad I have tomorrow off. I will manage to get adult stuff done, deal with stuff I don't want to deal with, buy a present for Joyce's wedding, and then Saturday will just be a good day. I am so excited for that. I get to go to Joyce's wedding, the grand reopening party for the Underground, and see people who I adore.
Tomorrow will be better than today and yesterday.
~Pam
I have been really busy, so sorry about not posting anything in a bit. I managed to get an apartment, have started paying for a couch so that I will have a comfy place to sit in said apartment while playing video games, and am working on getting all the other random things for an apartment. I don't move until July, so that is something I am excited for, but that I also have time to get ready for.
Yesterday at work, I broke down and cried twice because everything hit me. I don't really know if I was crying because I was upset or because I was angry, but it really sucked. I was so tired of not being able to get in touch with him when I just want to get everything done and over with. I'm so tired of dealing with everything.
Today was super busy at work, and just in general an awful day. To top it off, I was almost home and Wish You Were Here came on the radio, so yeah more crying. I miss my dad, and being in this situation really makes me feel like I could use his input, as he was there.
I turned the phones back on tonight, and after a week of trying to get in touch with him on Facebook, which he is on daily, he got back to me within 20 minutes of the phones being turned back on to complain that I turned the phones back on with the money from the tax return. Sometimes I can't stand him. The phones were in both of our names, so half is still his responsibility. He also has decided that until the divorce is through, he isn't going to transfer the car into my name. It concerns me because as long as the car is in his name he could decide to be spiteful and take it, and I need it or I can't work, which isn't an option. Either way, it was an awful way to end the day, and I had been talking to Drew, which was making my day slightly better, before I had to deal with him, and then I tried to call him back and he isn't answering his phone, so I'm worried because I know he was driving when I was talking to him and I worry about everything.
All in all, I am glad I have tomorrow off. I will manage to get adult stuff done, deal with stuff I don't want to deal with, buy a present for Joyce's wedding, and then Saturday will just be a good day. I am so excited for that. I get to go to Joyce's wedding, the grand reopening party for the Underground, and see people who I adore.
Tomorrow will be better than today and yesterday.
~Pam
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Day 31: A month gone by.
"And the world will fall away with indifference to lead us all astray. You can't catch me now. I've run too far to see you, and the stars, the stars will catch me."
How I felt this weekend
How I feel today
Today I finally broke down. It took a lot to realize why I was even breaking down.
He doesn't love me.
He never loved me.
He wanted me to be something different than what Iwas am.
I am worthy of being loved, even though I'm not perfect.
I got married because I loved who he was as my friend, figuring that he would stay my friend, and care about me otherwise.
I was mistaken. I gave my everything, and it was treated like trash, even though it was the biggest and best treasure that I could ever possibly give. I will never get all of that back, but I can rebuild, try and find who I am without someone who doesn't care about me, and just relish in the facts:
1. I have a lot of people who love me, who care about what I think and feel, who see me for who I am as well as where I'm going, and have faith that even when I make mistakes and bad choices, I will turn out ok.
2. My love is valuable to a lot of people. There are people who would have given any thing to have what he threw out. If he ever realizes exactly what he hasgiven up thrown out, I hope that he hurts half as much as I hurt when he left, because that will still be more than he is capable of dealing with. When he realizes just how amazing I am, and that he'll never find someone who will love him as much as I did, I hope he knows better than to try to earn my forgiveness. I'm way past that. He ruined a beautiful life because he wasn't ready for it, when it was what he thought he wanted in the first place. He hurt an amazing person who deserved so much better than what he was willing to give, because he wasn't willing to give anything.
3. I wasn't perfect. I am not an easy person to live with. I cling to the past pretty often, and while, yes, it is unreasonable to spring that on someone who is expecting easy sailing, he should have known what he was getting into. He knew everything about me before I ever started dating him. His expectation that I would just get over my past because I got married was unreasonable, and unkind. I never expected him to change into anything different than what he was, so the fact that he wanted me to be someone else was unfair and unreasonable.
4. I am sometimes childish. Who isn't? But when it comes to important things, I buckle down and get things done if it is what I want. He, on the other hand, is being nothing but unhelpful when it comes to the divorce and getting out of this marriage, which is what he so claims to want. I'm trying to get in touch with him so that I can get things set up, and he won't respond to anything. The bills that he was supposed to help with when I was out of a job for a month, are still behind and unpaid because he won't accept any sort of responsibility for them.
5. I can do anything I put my mind to. Even starting over with nothing, no, less than nothing, I am still going to manage to come out of this all ok. I will be so much happier and in such a better place than I was in when he left, because I had been working for several months to find a job that uses my skills and that I can enjoy. I found one that can and probably will lead to a career, which is such a huge step for me! I'm so excited about that.
Step 1: Find a place to call my own, and find a way to separate myself from him without having to wait for him to do it.
Step 2: ??????
Step 3: Profit as a person.
How I felt this weekend
How I feel today
Today I finally broke down. It took a lot to realize why I was even breaking down.
He doesn't love me.
He never loved me.
He wanted me to be something different than what I
I am worthy of being loved, even though I'm not perfect.
I got married because I loved who he was as my friend, figuring that he would stay my friend, and care about me otherwise.
I was mistaken. I gave my everything, and it was treated like trash, even though it was the biggest and best treasure that I could ever possibly give. I will never get all of that back, but I can rebuild, try and find who I am without someone who doesn't care about me, and just relish in the facts:
1. I have a lot of people who love me, who care about what I think and feel, who see me for who I am as well as where I'm going, and have faith that even when I make mistakes and bad choices, I will turn out ok.
2. My love is valuable to a lot of people. There are people who would have given any thing to have what he threw out. If he ever realizes exactly what he has
3. I wasn't perfect. I am not an easy person to live with. I cling to the past pretty often, and while, yes, it is unreasonable to spring that on someone who is expecting easy sailing, he should have known what he was getting into. He knew everything about me before I ever started dating him. His expectation that I would just get over my past because I got married was unreasonable, and unkind. I never expected him to change into anything different than what he was, so the fact that he wanted me to be someone else was unfair and unreasonable.
4. I am sometimes childish. Who isn't? But when it comes to important things, I buckle down and get things done if it is what I want. He, on the other hand, is being nothing but unhelpful when it comes to the divorce and getting out of this marriage, which is what he so claims to want. I'm trying to get in touch with him so that I can get things set up, and he won't respond to anything. The bills that he was supposed to help with when I was out of a job for a month, are still behind and unpaid because he won't accept any sort of responsibility for them.
5. I can do anything I put my mind to. Even starting over with nothing, no, less than nothing, I am still going to manage to come out of this all ok. I will be so much happier and in such a better place than I was in when he left, because I had been working for several months to find a job that uses my skills and that I can enjoy. I found one that can and probably will lead to a career, which is such a huge step for me! I'm so excited about that.
Step 1: Find a place to call my own, and find a way to separate myself from him without having to wait for him to do it.
Step 2: ??????
Step 3: Profit as a person.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Day 28: Discovering me?
How I feel today
It is scary to have reached a point where I'm not quite sure what is facade and what is me anymore. Right now it seems like I'm always just covering up my pain and hurt because I can't deal with it, let alone try to let other people see it. I just.... feel really weird because I don't know how to turn that off. I don't want to deal with everything, and it is like I can't take off the security blanket of safeness. That is a redundant statement kind of but I don't care. I don't know who I am again, and that is just a really odd feeling, when I know that I had figured out who I was and what I stood for and believed in before Brian and I started dating. I have to re-evaluate what it means to be Pam, working on getting divorced, trying to understand what the hell is wrong with me that I can't keep anyone happy longer than a year and six months, including myself.
I think the problem is that I don't know how to be happy for me, how to let myself worry about my own issues before anyone else's problems. I feel like Monday is going to be hellish for me, because even typing this out, I know that when I have a chance to spend a day thinking I will end up breaking down, thinking about not just the recent craziness, but the issues that I've kept away for a long time, like my relationship with my mother, my lack of a father because of an unfair world, my failure at college, my failure to save money ever, and why I have such an issue taking care of myself and my wellness.
So yeah. Need to figure out how to be happy without anyone making me that way. Need to deal with past issues. Really need to do this on Monday, and Friday, because Saturday will not be an appropriate day to do that, as Joycie is getting married and I intend to have a good time.
~Pam
It is scary to have reached a point where I'm not quite sure what is facade and what is me anymore. Right now it seems like I'm always just covering up my pain and hurt because I can't deal with it, let alone try to let other people see it. I just.... feel really weird because I don't know how to turn that off. I don't want to deal with everything, and it is like I can't take off the security blanket of safeness. That is a redundant statement kind of but I don't care. I don't know who I am again, and that is just a really odd feeling, when I know that I had figured out who I was and what I stood for and believed in before Brian and I started dating. I have to re-evaluate what it means to be Pam, working on getting divorced, trying to understand what the hell is wrong with me that I can't keep anyone happy longer than a year and six months, including myself.
I think the problem is that I don't know how to be happy for me, how to let myself worry about my own issues before anyone else's problems. I feel like Monday is going to be hellish for me, because even typing this out, I know that when I have a chance to spend a day thinking I will end up breaking down, thinking about not just the recent craziness, but the issues that I've kept away for a long time, like my relationship with my mother, my lack of a father because of an unfair world, my failure at college, my failure to save money ever, and why I have such an issue taking care of myself and my wellness.
So yeah. Need to figure out how to be happy without anyone making me that way. Need to deal with past issues. Really need to do this on Monday, and Friday, because Saturday will not be an appropriate day to do that, as Joycie is getting married and I intend to have a good time.
~Pam
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