How I feel today (a little different than normal, because Felicia Day is adorable)
So. I worked from 10am to 9pm. Alone. For the first time. In my first week. And everything went fine, apart from the last hour when Murphy's law decided "Oh I totally almost missed our appointment for the day! I'll make it up to you!"
It was just an awful last hour. I had to do a contract, and for whatever reason the computer didn't want to file it, and then the person wanted to leave because she was all in a rush and then I had someone come in who wanted to close their account and get a refund, but the credit card machine was all "Oh I'm just chilling with my buddy Murphy and now I don't remember how to connect to the computer."
::facepalm::
Not to mention that while this was working on happening, I had 5 people show up for payments within 5 minutes of each other, all while I was trying to take care of those 2 issues. They left kinda angrily. I was so freaking wiped that I passed out at 1am. That almost never happens. I was in the middle of a conversation with my redwings fan, and just ptfo.
I didn't screw up and chase him away though, so that's something.
~Pam
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Day 16: F M L
How I feel today
Today was rough. I had to finish all of the training videos, as tomorrow I work all by myself all day. I went over all of the different things that I had to do tomorrow and think that I will manage to do them alright.
I thought about my actual feelings today. It hurt, and right now my chest feels like someone shoved a white hot poker through my back straight into my heart. I love who Brian used to be, but, hell, we hadn't really been a couple in months. He treated me awfully, I was not as attentive due to being completely stressed, and he walked away.
A couple years ago, that would have sent me into a downward spiral, where I would take happiness from anyone that I could, and keep it all for myself, leaving them broken and bruised. I'm not that person any more (thank the gods), and in my trying to say as such, I might have chased away someone who was very dear to me.
Feelings suck. They are necessary though, so no matter how hurt I am, I can't just use people to take their happiness. I can't be her again. Jack is away for good reason, and I can't risk myself that way.
I just really care about someone, enough that I might have lost them so they didn't end up with someone as awful as me. And then I remembered how not awful I am, but it might be too late. How do you fix mistakes like that?
~Pam
Today was rough. I had to finish all of the training videos, as tomorrow I work all by myself all day. I went over all of the different things that I had to do tomorrow and think that I will manage to do them alright.
I thought about my actual feelings today. It hurt, and right now my chest feels like someone shoved a white hot poker through my back straight into my heart. I love who Brian used to be, but, hell, we hadn't really been a couple in months. He treated me awfully, I was not as attentive due to being completely stressed, and he walked away.
A couple years ago, that would have sent me into a downward spiral, where I would take happiness from anyone that I could, and keep it all for myself, leaving them broken and bruised. I'm not that person any more (thank the gods), and in my trying to say as such, I might have chased away someone who was very dear to me.
Feelings suck. They are necessary though, so no matter how hurt I am, I can't just use people to take their happiness. I can't be her again. Jack is away for good reason, and I can't risk myself that way.
I just really care about someone, enough that I might have lost them so they didn't end up with someone as awful as me. And then I remembered how not awful I am, but it might be too late. How do you fix mistakes like that?
~Pam
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Day 15: The Post I forgot to post
How I feel today
Today was another really really busy day. I went to work, came home, ate random food, talked on the phone for pretty much the rest of the night with someone who amazes me every day. It has been 2 weeks since my husband left me, and probably closer to 2 months since I've been as happy as I am right now.
I have a good job that I enjoy, that I am good at, and I have people who are on my side. I have people who want my happiness and joy to be genuine again, people who manage to pull a smile from me no matter how long I've been crying beforehand. I am incredibly lucky, even in this awful situation.
I will pull out of this fine, if the papers would just get filed and taken care of already. Sheesh. I'm the child, and he can't fill out papers to get the divorce he is so adamant on getting? ::rolls eyes:: Whatever. I don't have time for games like that any more. I am working on being a stronger better me, someone who does everything to the best of her ability, and doesn't give up. I don't just quit on things, but apparently there are some people who see that as a thing that I do.
Eh. Either way. I'm 22, single(I mean, my husband left me. I am pretty sure that is a get out of jail free card(apart from the scars of jail of course)), and in a position that is likely to force me to expand my horizons, which is kind of where I wanted to go anyway.
Here's to a fresh start, on my own terms this time,
~Pam
Today was another really really busy day. I went to work, came home, ate random food, talked on the phone for pretty much the rest of the night with someone who amazes me every day. It has been 2 weeks since my husband left me, and probably closer to 2 months since I've been as happy as I am right now.
I have a good job that I enjoy, that I am good at, and I have people who are on my side. I have people who want my happiness and joy to be genuine again, people who manage to pull a smile from me no matter how long I've been crying beforehand. I am incredibly lucky, even in this awful situation.
I will pull out of this fine, if the papers would just get filed and taken care of already. Sheesh. I'm the child, and he can't fill out papers to get the divorce he is so adamant on getting? ::rolls eyes:: Whatever. I don't have time for games like that any more. I am working on being a stronger better me, someone who does everything to the best of her ability, and doesn't give up. I don't just quit on things, but apparently there are some people who see that as a thing that I do.
Eh. Either way. I'm 22, single(I mean, my husband left me. I am pretty sure that is a get out of jail free card(apart from the scars of jail of course)), and in a position that is likely to force me to expand my horizons, which is kind of where I wanted to go anyway.
Here's to a fresh start, on my own terms this time,
~Pam
Day 14: I can't stay and watch the city burn.
How I feel today
(I'll never forget you-- at least, the parts of you that were important red flags)
Today was an amazing day at work. I was still up at 3am, but I was talking to an awesome person who never fails to bring a smile to my face, which made it ok. Then I slept for a tiny bit before I went to work, and I had my first sale today! And I typed it in myself. It took a bit, but that is to be expected the first time you do something with a computer program older than you are.
My manager tried to make me eat food(which didn't work) because she felt badly because it was lunchtime and I didn't eat on my break. It was pretty amusing, but at the same time I really just am tired and don't feel like eating until 8 at night. Probably bad, and I'm probably going to gain weight again due to that, but oh well. It isn't like I won't eventually lose it again. I just have to figure out a good system. Oh, and I have to freaking get through all the training videos at work with a computer that just doesn't want to work properly.
Tomorrow: Change of address form, look up lawyers for realzies, talk to the leasing manager at the place I found that I might end up trying to get for myself.
~Pam
(I'll never forget you-- at least, the parts of you that were important red flags)
Today was an amazing day at work. I was still up at 3am, but I was talking to an awesome person who never fails to bring a smile to my face, which made it ok. Then I slept for a tiny bit before I went to work, and I had my first sale today! And I typed it in myself. It took a bit, but that is to be expected the first time you do something with a computer program older than you are.
My manager tried to make me eat food(which didn't work) because she felt badly because it was lunchtime and I didn't eat on my break. It was pretty amusing, but at the same time I really just am tired and don't feel like eating until 8 at night. Probably bad, and I'm probably going to gain weight again due to that, but oh well. It isn't like I won't eventually lose it again. I just have to figure out a good system. Oh, and I have to freaking get through all the training videos at work with a computer that just doesn't want to work properly.
Tomorrow: Change of address form, look up lawyers for realzies, talk to the leasing manager at the place I found that I might end up trying to get for myself.
~Pam
Friday, April 13, 2012
Day 13: Too busy to hurt
How I feel today
Today I had my first full, 11 hour day at work. Suffice it to say that I haven't had the time or extra energy to hurt. Not only that, but I have awesome people to talk to in the middle of the night when I'm upset, or when I don't want to think about it. My redwings fan has helped me so much, and makes me immensely happy. I feel like an actual person again, and it has been a while.
So maybe, just maybe, I will survive this without Brian. I will always love who he was at one time, but, as he isn't that person anymore, there is no point mourning the dead man still walking around in his skin.
That's really all there is for tonight. Sorry. Maybe more tomorrow if I'm not so tired.
~Pam
Today I had my first full, 11 hour day at work. Suffice it to say that I haven't had the time or extra energy to hurt. Not only that, but I have awesome people to talk to in the middle of the night when I'm upset, or when I don't want to think about it. My redwings fan has helped me so much, and makes me immensely happy. I feel like an actual person again, and it has been a while.
So maybe, just maybe, I will survive this without Brian. I will always love who he was at one time, but, as he isn't that person anymore, there is no point mourning the dead man still walking around in his skin.
That's really all there is for tonight. Sorry. Maybe more tomorrow if I'm not so tired.
~Pam
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Day 12: There's that rage...
How I feel today
Brian and I rushed things. Like.... a lot. It doesn't mean that I never loved him. I loved who he was, how he made me feel, who I was when he was around, but that was when we first started dating. That was before he decided that me being a wife meant that I didn't have to be his friend, that I was a lesser person than he was in the relationship, that he was the alpha male, and I was alpha only because I was with him.
However much I lovehim who he was when we started out, the fact is that he has changed, a lot, and a lot of people don't much like who he has become. He isn't the man I married. He's some boy who needs to grow up and learn how to properly be around humans.
I might not be a grown up, and you know what, I think that at this point, I'm at least ok with myself. I know how to be strong for myself, and I know how to survive without anyone else. I've spent a majority of my life knowing that I can't rely on anyone but me. I figured I would be able to lean on my husband a bit so that I could take a break from all the weight crushing me, but obviously that isn't something that I can do, because he ran out on me. Whatever. I'll be just fine. I always am.
~Pam
And it feels like all you'd have to do is step outside
Stop pacing around and waiting for some moment that might never arrive
But you're never gonna find it
When your knees got so weak
And it's right here, in case you need it like when you were young
Brian and I rushed things. Like.... a lot. It doesn't mean that I never loved him. I loved who he was, how he made me feel, who I was when he was around, but that was when we first started dating. That was before he decided that me being a wife meant that I didn't have to be his friend, that I was a lesser person than he was in the relationship, that he was the alpha male, and I was alpha only because I was with him.
However much I love
I might not be a grown up, and you know what, I think that at this point, I'm at least ok with myself. I know how to be strong for myself, and I know how to survive without anyone else. I've spent a majority of my life knowing that I can't rely on anyone but me. I figured I would be able to lean on my husband a bit so that I could take a break from all the weight crushing me, but obviously that isn't something that I can do, because he ran out on me. Whatever. I'll be just fine. I always am.
~Pam
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Day 11: 1 year 6 months ago
How I feel today
A year and 6 months ago, my cousin had just gotten married, and I took Brian with me, because I refuse to go to weddings in my family alone, and I wanted to show off my girly side with him so he realized that I am better than anything else he would ever have. He got the point, and we were together.
Eddie and I were together a year and 6 months. He is my only other long relationship, and we broke up because at that point I did not want to get married and be a housewife, and I never intended to marry and be a housewife.
The more I think about it, the more I miss the way things used to be, before he started treating me like I was just supposed to be seen and not heard, and that I was supposed to do everything in the house. I know that I can't be with him again, because he and I are not the kind of people to let go of who we are and what we want, and he wants someone who will be his housewife, when I want to take be with someone who will help me, who will sometimes give me space when I ask for it, who will cuddle me when I sleep, be playful sometimes, talk to me long into the night, care about how my day went. Maybe that is a lot to ask, but it is not that hard to do when you love someone, I think.
Either way, life doesn't ever work out the way you think it will. I'm just taking it day by day, and figuring out who I am, what I will stand for, and what I won't. I can do so much better than settling for someone who loves the idea of being married more than the person to whom they are married.
A year and 6 months ago, my cousin had just gotten married, and I took Brian with me, because I refuse to go to weddings in my family alone, and I wanted to show off my girly side with him so he realized that I am better than anything else he would ever have. He got the point, and we were together.
Eddie and I were together a year and 6 months. He is my only other long relationship, and we broke up because at that point I did not want to get married and be a housewife, and I never intended to marry and be a housewife.
The more I think about it, the more I miss the way things used to be, before he started treating me like I was just supposed to be seen and not heard, and that I was supposed to do everything in the house. I know that I can't be with him again, because he and I are not the kind of people to let go of who we are and what we want, and he wants someone who will be his housewife, when I want to take be with someone who will help me, who will sometimes give me space when I ask for it, who will cuddle me when I sleep, be playful sometimes, talk to me long into the night, care about how my day went. Maybe that is a lot to ask, but it is not that hard to do when you love someone, I think.
Either way, life doesn't ever work out the way you think it will. I'm just taking it day by day, and figuring out who I am, what I will stand for, and what I won't. I can do so much better than settling for someone who loves the idea of being married more than the person to whom they are married.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Day 10: To the biggest mistakes that we just wouldn't trade
How I feel today
So yeah. Today is ok. I start my new job tomorrow, so I will no longer have to keep borrowing money from people. Because that isn't any fun. I'm managing ok today. Had to borrow money from my grandmother, and my mother, and the people I'm living with, and I really hate that, but I will work on getting that back to them (though I'm pretty sure that my mother and grandmother will not accept it back) I feel like tomorrow is going to be really tough, as we would have been together for 1 year and 6 months, and he's colder than he has ever been towards me. Yes, I know, a year and six months isn't that long, but seriously, for everything that happened in that time it was a lot.
Either way, tomorrow I will start my job,have jury duty (cancelled), and work on the boxes more than I have today. I will get through 10 boxes and 2 totes before the end of the day Wednesday. I have decided that is how it will be. Easier to just crank them out than it is to dwell on it, even though I'd rather dwell and get the pain out of my system.
In other news, the past week has reallly opened up my eyes to how much crap I was taking, and how much more I deserve, how much better I could do. I'm not an unattractive person, and people tend to like me, even when I'm having major issues. Special thanks to my redwings fan, who makes me smile when I just want to sob, and gets pissed off on my behalf.
~Pam
So yeah. Today is ok. I start my new job tomorrow, so I will no longer have to keep borrowing money from people. Because that isn't any fun. I'm managing ok today. Had to borrow money from my grandmother, and my mother, and the people I'm living with, and I really hate that, but I will work on getting that back to them (though I'm pretty sure that my mother and grandmother will not accept it back) I feel like tomorrow is going to be really tough, as we would have been together for 1 year and 6 months, and he's colder than he has ever been towards me. Yes, I know, a year and six months isn't that long, but seriously, for everything that happened in that time it was a lot.
Either way, tomorrow I will start my job,
In other news, the past week has reallly opened up my eyes to how much crap I was taking, and how much more I deserve, how much better I could do. I'm not an unattractive person, and people tend to like me, even when I'm having major issues. Special thanks to my redwings fan, who makes me smile when I just want to sob, and gets pissed off on my behalf.
~Pam
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Day 8 and 9: A weekend away
Today I iced cupcakes, did dishes, cleaned the room I was in so I can go into the other room, and as soon as I shower I am going to go and see my favorite people. I'm really hoping this weekend turns out well, and if it doesn't I'm sure you'll hear about it here come Monday. Fingers crossed.
~Pam
~Pam
Friday, April 6, 2012
Day 7: Temporary Fallout
How I feel today
He stopped by to drop off information so that I can do our taxes from last year. I was ok, dealt with it in my own way, that meaning I closed myself off so that he couldn't see my pain. He left and it hurt twice as much. Not only that, but I just can't deal with needing to have a plan in order to protect myself. I trusted him. How could he break that trust? He is one of 2 people who I took a chance on(any other person fully earned that trust beforehand) and let see that vulnerable side of me, and both of them took it and spit it at me. The other was Jeremy, and those of you who know me know what that means. Not even J hurt me this much though. I have never felt so much agony over anything before.
It hurts because he feels nothing about what he did, no guilt, no pain, and what he did was WRONG on so many levels. I hurt and everything sucks. I think about him every day, he was one of my dearest friends for so long, and now (well for a while now) he doesn't have that feeling about me. So many different things about the situation kind of make me mad at myself though.
I mean, I put up with so much that I had ALWAYS told myself I would never do. I would never let someone be condescending towards me and tell me that I was wrong all the time. I would NEVER let myself be a 50s housewife. FFS that is why I broke up with Eddie. He treated me horribly, and I loved him, even as he was trying to change me for "the better". I am a decent human, and he wanted to make me into a person who was just like his mom. I'm not that kind of person, and anyone who knows me for 5 minutes knows that, but for him, I was trying. I didn't want to lose him, which is why I tried so hard, and why it hurts so much more when he left me because I didn't try. I just.....don't even know.
~Pam
He stopped by to drop off information so that I can do our taxes from last year. I was ok, dealt with it in my own way, that meaning I closed myself off so that he couldn't see my pain. He left and it hurt twice as much. Not only that, but I just can't deal with needing to have a plan in order to protect myself. I trusted him. How could he break that trust? He is one of 2 people who I took a chance on(any other person fully earned that trust beforehand) and let see that vulnerable side of me, and both of them took it and spit it at me. The other was Jeremy, and those of you who know me know what that means. Not even J hurt me this much though. I have never felt so much agony over anything before.
It hurts because he feels nothing about what he did, no guilt, no pain, and what he did was WRONG on so many levels. I hurt and everything sucks. I think about him every day, he was one of my dearest friends for so long, and now (well for a while now) he doesn't have that feeling about me. So many different things about the situation kind of make me mad at myself though.
I mean, I put up with so much that I had ALWAYS told myself I would never do. I would never let someone be condescending towards me and tell me that I was wrong all the time. I would NEVER let myself be a 50s housewife. FFS that is why I broke up with Eddie. He treated me horribly, and I loved him, even as he was trying to change me for "the better". I am a decent human, and he wanted to make me into a person who was just like his mom. I'm not that kind of person, and anyone who knows me for 5 minutes knows that, but for him, I was trying. I didn't want to lose him, which is why I tried so hard, and why it hurts so much more when he left me because I didn't try. I just.....don't even know.
~Pam
Day 6: Today was a little better
How I feel today
I think mostly it was just that I was too busy to break down. I went and got a storage unit, put some stuff in it, got a change of address form, took care of the bank, and went through a bunch of clothes. I fell asleep about 7pm for whatever reason. Not fun. Woke up for dinner and decided I was going to beat things up on Soul Caliber III. I spent the day feeling numb and overwhelmed, but I have a plan, so I think the overwhelmed part is getting better.
Tomorrow I am going to make cookies, maybe some cupcakes too so that I can bring stuff to the benefit thing for Nick and the Underground, going to put at least 5 more boxes into the storage unit, clean the room I've been sleeping in so that I can actually sleep in the room I'm going to be in, put away at least one box of stuff, shower, eat, maybe make a run to goodwill with stuff I don't need. Sometimes numb makes things SO much easier. It is a short term easier though, which is the only reason I don't really want it. I just want to move past the pain and the hurt, and become me again.
I haven't been me in a while now, and going back to that is something I look forward to, now that I think about it. I get to be me AND grow up enough to be self sufficient in more than just my head.
~Pam
I think mostly it was just that I was too busy to break down. I went and got a storage unit, put some stuff in it, got a change of address form, took care of the bank, and went through a bunch of clothes. I fell asleep about 7pm for whatever reason. Not fun. Woke up for dinner and decided I was going to beat things up on Soul Caliber III. I spent the day feeling numb and overwhelmed, but I have a plan, so I think the overwhelmed part is getting better.
Tomorrow I am going to make cookies, maybe some cupcakes too so that I can bring stuff to the benefit thing for Nick and the Underground, going to put at least 5 more boxes into the storage unit, clean the room I've been sleeping in so that I can actually sleep in the room I'm going to be in, put away at least one box of stuff, shower, eat, maybe make a run to goodwill with stuff I don't need. Sometimes numb makes things SO much easier. It is a short term easier though, which is the only reason I don't really want it. I just want to move past the pain and the hurt, and become me again.
I haven't been me in a while now, and going back to that is something I look forward to, now that I think about it. I get to be me AND grow up enough to be self sufficient in more than just my head.
~Pam
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