Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Day 12: There's that rage...

How I feel today

And it feels like all you'd have to do is step outside
Stop pacing around and waiting for some moment that might never arrive
But you're never gonna find it
When your knees got so weak
And it's right here, in case you need it like when you were young

Brian and I rushed things. Like.... a lot. It doesn't mean that I never loved him. I loved who he was, how he made me feel, who I was when he was around, but that was when we first started dating. That was before he decided that me being a wife meant that I didn't have to be his friend, that I was a lesser person than he was in the relationship, that he was the alpha male, and I was alpha only because I was with him.

However much I love him who he was when we started out, the fact is that he has changed, a lot, and a lot of people don't much like who he has become. He isn't the man I married. He's some boy who needs to grow up and learn how to properly be around humans.

I might not be a grown up, and you know what, I think that at this point, I'm at least ok with myself. I know how to be strong for myself, and I know how to survive without anyone else. I've spent a majority of my life knowing that I can't rely on anyone but me. I figured I would be able to lean on my husband a bit so that I could take a break from all the weight crushing me, but obviously that isn't something that I can do, because he ran out on me. Whatever. I'll be just fine. I always am.

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