Friday, April 6, 2012

Day 7: Temporary Fallout

How I feel today

He stopped by to drop off information so that I can do our taxes from last year. I was ok, dealt with it in my own way, that meaning I closed myself off so that he couldn't see my pain. He left and it hurt twice as much. Not only that, but I just can't deal with needing to have a plan in order to protect myself. I trusted him. How could he break that trust? He is one of 2 people who I took a chance on(any other person fully earned that trust beforehand) and let see that vulnerable side of me, and both of them took it and spit it at me. The other was Jeremy, and those of you who know me know what that means. Not even J hurt me this much though. I have never felt so much agony over anything before.

It hurts because he feels nothing about what he did, no guilt, no pain, and what he did was WRONG on so many levels. I hurt and everything sucks. I think about him every day, he was one of my dearest friends for so long, and now (well for a while now) he doesn't have that feeling about me. So many different things about the situation kind of make me mad at myself though.

I mean, I put up with so much that I had ALWAYS told myself I would never do. I would never let someone be condescending towards me and tell me that I was wrong all the time. I would NEVER let myself be a 50s housewife. FFS that is why I broke up with Eddie. He treated me horribly, and I loved him, even as he was trying to change me for "the better". I am a decent human, and he wanted to make me into a person who was just like his mom. I'm not that kind of person, and anyone who knows me for 5 minutes knows that, but for him, I was trying. I didn't want to lose him, which is why I tried so hard, and why it hurts so much more when he left me because I didn't try. I just.....don't even know.

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Johnny 5 needs more input