Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Day 5: Its been almost a week.

Everything hurts. I keep hiding what I feel, trying to make the best of a shitty situation, because, let's face it, no one is going to be able to pull me out of the dark place I want to go. My chest feels like it is trying to remove itself from the rest of me, and all I want to do is scream, cry, yell, hit, kick, bite, rip out my hair.
I want to lose myself in the pain of everything, but I can't because, ironically(since apparently I'm a child(hence why he left)) I need to actually be an adult and do the things that he won't do in order to get this over with. I need to be able to function so that I can get a job, make money, and live my own life.

The pain doesn't stop for that though. I can push it inside, and refuse to let it out, but eventually, I'm going to break again. I don't even know who to trust with it, because the last person I trusted enough to see me broken and battered discarded me because he did not could not get that when I'm like that it isn't me giving up as much as it is me needing someone to understand and comfort me.

Thankfully I've had years and years of practice keeping up facades, because otherwise I would be too much of a wreck to try and piece my life back together. Bad enough that my friends can see through it. My (soon to be ex) husband will never see me hurt again. Another source of pain for me. I trusted him with everything, with my pain, with my past, with my future, and he gave up because he couldn't wouldn't help me through it. He wanted me to be his perfect little 50s wife, and do everything exactly as his family would do it, forgetting that I am not EVER going to be a stereotypical anything.

So instead, he left me with nothing, hoping that it would force me back into living with my family, which I will never do again. I actually want to grow and be free, not be trapped back in my family's hierarchy of b.s. and control.

I am loved by so many people. I am beautiful, inside and out. I try my hardest when I want things to work.

He is selfish, wanting everything to go exactly how he thinks it should. He is cold, never trying to understand how anyone else feels. He pushes other people into molds that he feels they should be in, even if it breaks them, and then wonders why people leave him.

I love him with everything I am, good and bad, because....he's safe and predictable. Safe in that he has a white knight complex like no other. Predictable in that he will always act the same way towards things.

That's not really love is it? It used to have more reason behind it, but where he used to make me smile and feel warm and comfortable, now he only is cold, bitter, angry towards me. He found a chaos that he can't control no matter what, that he can't shape into what he wants it to be, and that is the only reason that I can think of that he would leave.
He didn't even see how hard I would try to do what he wanted me to do, be who he wanted me to be, especially not after we got a roommate who was all of the things that he expected a woman to be, even though she's his best friends girl. Why would he need me around when the things I'm supposed to do according to his guidelines as wife, are being done by someone else? What does love even matter? Why bother to try to keep someone who you claimed that you loved, who you wanted to have children with, who was with you through losing part of your masculinity for good?

Everything hurts, and I just want to let the floodgates loose, let my chest escape from the rest of my body, and give up on the world. I know that people love me, and it probably is the only reason I didn't run into traffic, or take a billion pills, or attempt to drown. As much as I hurt, I couldn't cause that kind of pain to the people who love me, who have been there through my ups and downs, when I hit rock bottom and refused to stop digging. But damn do I wish I could if it would just end this constant pain and feeling of betrayal. I just want to be free.

I had reached a point where I was perfectly happy being single forever, and then he swooped in and took me away to a place where contentment was enough, where safety and inadequacy were better than loneliness and pain, and then less than a year later he drops me farther back where I was, worse even then when JLH left me for someone else. I have never hurt this much about anything. Even when my dad died, I at least got to be completely numb for a while before it really sunk in. God I wish he was still here. I could use a dad right now.

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